You know, the hardest thing I have ever done was to say to myself, in private, "Bob, you are a damned good man." It seemed so phony. I hated it. It angered me. But, today, I can tell you all on the whole WWW I am a good guy.
I think Al, hard as it might be, it would be good to tell yourself that you are a good man. You are a real man, who went through hell and came out of it. All those things we tell ourselves, that we are fucked up, and no fucking good etc. etc. these are all lies.
Here you are a young man, who was brutalised as a child, and now you are working, and taking care of yourself and doing well. Al, that is important. I will tell you why I see that as important. Twice in my life, for a period of a year once and about nine months another time, I could not work, could not take care of myself, didn't even shower everyday--sometimes only once or twice a week. I was a world wide champion of sleeping.
So, Al, you get up, you go to work, you go to the gym, you care for yourself. That is good man! Sure, you want and will get better. But for now, when a little voice in your head tells you that you are fucked up. tell yourself that you are not fucked up, you are a survivor and you are a lot healthier than guys who really are all fucked up and don't have a clue that they are.
One time a psychiatrist told a class I was in that we can be at ease when a person tells us they think they are going crazy--because truly crazy people would never say that!
You are doing fine and you will do a whole lot better.
Some of the better, just seems to happen. Like coming here and finding out you are not a lone, that people can actually understand, and best of all, finding that you can help someone else by just a few words or a thought.
Make any sense to you Al?
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.