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#49242 - 05/23/05 06:55 AM I don't understand
Beyond Abuse Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/23/05
Posts: 51
This is my first visit and I am looking through posts where you want to meet up with your abuser, or worst still, you want to forgive them?

Please help me to understand how either of these options are going to give you freedom? I want to understand how you can look them in the eye in either situation and accept them ... on second thoughts maybe I don't want to understand.

Yes, I am confused and very, very angry. Not with you but with the system ... and I truly do not understand the actions of some here. At 41 years old my life is falling apart ... I chose to revisit the past but I didn't think the shit was this deep. I don't believe that even after some form of recovery that I could ever understand the reasoning behind forgiving or meeting them, but that is not my choice, and that is not me. So, please, help me to understand.

_________________________
... I still haven't survived ...

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#49243 - 05/23/05 01:56 PM Re: I don't understand
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 471
Loc: UK
I posted about seeing my dad. I donít know that I can explain why I want to do this, for a long time I couldnít have imagined wanting to see him. Like you forgiveness is not on my agenda, I am not there and right now donít even know that I ever want to get there.

I never really stood up to my dad, I rebelled and punished him in sneaky ways for what he did, but I never could hold his eye without feeling the shame he gave me. I trust now that I can do that and if anyone looks away it wont be me. I guess itís about facing him in the flesh and knowing I was innocent. I want to see him as the adult he is not the monstrous frightening man I tried to get to love me as a child, to sort of cut him down to size. I donít expect this in itself to give me freedom, itís a sort of symbolic handing back of the crap, a standing up for the boy I was, a break with the powerlessness I felt as a child.

There is nothing nice about my dad he is a pathetic weak bully, so its not like I want to reconcile with him, he was always a horrible man with nothing about him to redeem him. I would happily see him in prison if that were possible. The most positive thing I can feel for him is pity. If I met him as a stranger I wouldnít like him or want to have anything to do with him.

I donít know if that explains anything, I feel this need now and it feels positive for me.

I read your story and your post about your life now, I was abused by my dad, he was very violent also, I didnít believe that there was a possible life worth living after all that had happened and the mess I had become. I feel lucky now to have survived, I nearly didnít. I can honestly say that through therapy and the work on myself that I am really glad to have my life now. I am not finished with Ďthe processí, like you say this runs deep, not even sure how far there is to go, but I have gotten to the point where my life is valuable to me and for me thatís a big change. It really is possible to recover from this terrible stuff, itís neither as easy nor as fast as I would wish but its possible.

Welcome to the site, itís been a great resource for me, I hope it can be useful for you too.

Peter.


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#49244 - 05/23/05 04:46 PM Re: I don't understand
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I am in situation, where I must see one my abusers at times. There is not avoiding of it unless I give up part of my life. That is not what I will do. He is the one of them I choose to forgive few months ago.

Forgiving is not for the abuser. It is for us. It was for me. Because I have so much fear of him in the two years since the main abuses, they end. Because I still had much panick and fears and bad dreams, and of him. I needed to forgive for myself, to settle my head some. I also felt that to do it would be to take back my power, the power I never had with him. I did it. I confront him, and talk and say I do forgive him, from me, for what he done to me, because I know he done it to other people also, and I can not talk for those people. I can speak only for me, and in my head and in my soul, I needed to say those words to him, and feel it, for me to feel better of myself.

I can not explain it. It just was need for me. It is not for everone, ever.

Andrei


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#49245 - 05/23/05 04:59 PM Re: I don't understand
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I never confronted my abuser, because I was too young to ever face him.
I had to forgive him, because it was too much hurt going on in my head, so I chose to forgive.
It was not much fun, to beat myself up, so I chose that way for my own mental well being.
No, it is not for everyone, we all have differing views, but for me it seemed the only way out.
It lessened the guilt in me, at the time, which I really had to do.
I do not see abusers as people, they have no spirit of being about them, but I rescued some of my spirit, by being strong and forgiving.
It was also empowering for me, to do that.

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#49246 - 05/27/05 12:28 AM Re: I don't understand
eyesopen Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/26/05
Posts: 10
Loc: New England
Hi - I'm new, but this is a topic that I have prepared most of my life for. I agree with what AK said.

I thought for years that forgiveness would make me weak, or I would forget, or they would get something from me.

Instead I found, that it is for me, that I have been able to release my past from my everyday life more in the past six months then all the years before. To forgive does not mean to condone, it means to let go of a past that is beyond changing, and change my orientation to my own emotions, which is all we can do at this point.

It is not for everybody, as a person who suffered from hideous bouts of PTSD for decades I wasn't ready for it at earlier times.

I have not mastered it, although I seek to these days, but that is my chosen path.

Whatever path you choose I hope it can bring you lasting peace.

Regards,
W

_________________________
Only in growth, reform, and change paradoxically enough, is true security to be found.

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

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#49247 - 05/27/05 12:50 AM Re: I don't understand
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Beyond Abuse,

I forgave my pers.

I did 4 me and not for them. I have not told him and don't plan on it.

Boy when I did that my PTSD and anziety level dropped to a more stable level Even my T noticed something was different.

I did it for myself

PM me i u want to to tell u the story and anybody who posted this topic, if want to know the story, I will be glad to PM u with it.

One brother who I shared this with last week, responded to u also. Real cool. We had a good conversation about this topic

Edited to add clarity.

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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