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#491838 - 11/26/15 11:47 AM Being gay
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 324
This is a pointless thing to talk about, and I really have no right to complain. It's not like my family disowned me and threw me out or anything. I'm lucky I know. It could be worse.

I just wanted to write about the whole coming out thing, and how it's kind of sucked.

I never actually told my dad. He found out by accident when he walked in on something he shouldn't have. I was drunk at the time. The next day he wanted to talk to me about it. I expected him to be all cool with it, like it was no big deal, or maybe to give me a really awkward lecture about safe sex or something. But instead he started saying stuff like how it was just easier to stick with women, and that I should work stuff out with my ex-girlfriend. He said maybe I was just confused. I told him I wasn't. So then he said he hoped this was a decision I actually made with my brain and not any other body part. That's not how I imagined things would go.

I told my mother, but because we have a messed up relationship I told her more as a test Ė one that I was sure she was going to fail. But she told me she already knew, which might have been a lie, but that's what she said. Later she told me that some woman she knows has a gay son and that he takes his mother on trips to Ikea for lunch and that they go to see musicals together and that we could do stuff like that if I wanted (because obviously thatís what ALL gay sons do with their mothers). At least she tried. My relationship with her is actually a lot better. Not because of that exactly. It's a long and not completely perfect story. It sucks that my mother is practically the most supportive person I've told so far.

I think being abused was a major hurdle in being able to call myself gay. They did things to me and told me I liked them and it was because I was gay. At the time I was thinking no, no, that's not right. My uncle would continuously call me gay and I hated the idea of proving him right. I still hate that idea. It took me a long time to feel okay about it. I still donít feel 100% okay about it, but at some point someone said something to me that made me realise I had to stop deluding myself. So then I decided I'd tell some of my friends, because I thought supportive friends would make me feel more okay about it. Overall it sucked though. Pretty much all of them said I wasn't really gay/it was just a side effect from being abused/that I was just confused or they demanded to know why I was so obsessed with labelling myself. Even if I was deluded, I don't think it was their place to tell me that. And I don't see how me using a label for myself that I think fits really affects any of them. Though the way one of my friends went on about it youíd think it did somehow personally affect her. The weirdest thing about this is that all of them (except one) already knew I was in a relationship with another guy. I'd have thought that that was a pretty big hint?

The more I think about it, the more I think it's quite possible that being abused could screw with your sexuality and actually cause you to be gay if you weren't. Maybe this wasn't exactly who I was supposed to be, but what if I'm sort of okay with it? Is that really a bad thing? What if I found someone who makes me really happy? Is my relationship less real somehow?

I decided to quit telling people. There are still lots of people quite close to me who don't know. Sometimes it feels like it's not that big a deal, so why even bother telling anyone, but other times it seems like a huge deal and a really important part of me, so I should tell everyone. Last week we went to visit an old friend that we hadn't seen in a while, we didn't even discuss it before hand, but we just automatically acted like we weren't together, which was kind of weird really. I'm going to stay with my mother and my sister for a couple of weeks (we wonít be seeing any musicals and no lunches will be eaten at ikea). I have some friends down there that I'm planning to meet up with, and I was considering telling them. But I'm not sure if I will or not. I don't want to feel worse about things. But maybe it'll be easier to tell people I donít have years of history with. I don't know.

There isn't really a point to this post. It's just something I've been thinking about a lot recently and I think I mainly wanted to express my disappointment about it.

#491984 - 11/29/15 06:40 PM Re: Being gay [Re: txb]
Carries The Fire Offline

Registered: 11/04/15
Posts: 98
Loc: Alba

Yet again you have shown courage and strength.

"The more I think about it, the more I think it's quite possible that being abused could screw with your sexuality and actually cause you to be gay if you weren't. Maybe this wasn't exactly who I was supposed to be, but what if I'm sort of okay with it? Is that really a bad thing? What if I found someone who makes me really happy? Is my relationship less real somehow?"

On my own journey I have looked into this because I am sure I have SSA. From what I have gathered from the plethora of information out there, there are so many factors, that can affect/effect (my english is crap), the outcome of a persons sexuality as a result of CSA.

It goes right into life and developmental stages etc (all theory I know), but according to this, there are 2 stages that apparently if CSA occurred during these ages 5 - 7 and 11 - 14/15 then somehow they worked out the outcome could be that the victim could be gay. Now I am not sure how much of this I believe.

But I do believe if from an early age, a boy is submitted to constant repetitive CSA regularly over the years, then this would have a significant impact on someones sexuality, which also can relate to your situation, were they born gay or was it the reinforced experiences that made them gay, sort of thing.

Actually I have at length conversations with some gay friends, one who was in my year at school, I knew he was gay from a young age, and another friend, both of them tell me, they knew they were gay from about the age 9. Not sure if that really helps your thoughts much.

But at the end of the day, you are a good person, do what is right and what feels right for you, fuck what anyone else thinks about it, look after yourself here, only you know the true answer to the questions you pose, but again, as long as you are happy, that is the main aim, and if you are happy in the relationship then it is indeed real.

Also just a personal gripe here (probably going to get slammed for this one), but me myself, do not like using the word "gay" I shudder every time I need to use this word, and no, it is not because I am a homophobe. It is because I do not see anything wrong with it at all, I prefer to call it an alternative lifestyle, because there is nothing wrong with living that lifestyle.

As for disclosing to friends about this kind of thing, please be careful ok, and just remember, if any of them ditch you for this, well they were not real friends, and have no place in your future (I know this sounds lame, it still hurts when people walk away from us).

About the musicals and ikea . . .. I would rather spend time spewing my ring than do that!

Stay strong, take care, and enjoy your trip.. . . . plenty of snow and rain awaiting your return.



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