Hello fellow partners in healing,
I’ve been making many efforts to improve support for myself and other male survivors in the community where I live for a while now. I sometimes feel like I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel and support is still weak here. Recently I’ve been making efforts to support a “CuddleParty” workshop to happen here for the first time. A facilitator had offered to come in from out of town and a friend offered to host the event locally. I’ve been told that non-sexual touch and clear boundaries can be helpful for healing from childhood sexual abuse. Avenues to pursue that in community are exceedingly rare in my experience so this was a unique and valuable opportunity. Once I had done what I could to support this event and interest in it still seemed remarkably weak to me, my anger started to brew.
At one point as I was walking outside today I felt I could totally understand the actions of people who take out a gun and “Go Postal” or murder as many people as possible before killing themselves. My rage at the apparent lack of interest in events that would be helpful to me seems murderous at times. Just then, I saw an older woman walking towards me and realized that there is no way that I could take her life and not regret it. So I mulled over what I could do with this feeling and first decided to chant a mantra for compassion for myself. Then I dropped into my breath and just breathed through the rage while letting go of the story behind it. I allowed my breath total freedom to do as it wished. It was quite freeing. I really got into it.
I had the thought that people can remain fearful and sick at a level that has impacted me deeply and yet they can never take away my ability to breathe through whatever feeling arises in me as a consequence of their shortcomings. It was quite the relief. I actually felt gratitude for the sorry state of the community in which I live. :-) It was quite the transformation!