I hope your all fine and well .
Id like to tell you about my life , im not after sympathy I want you all to hear my story ,in which I hope some can learn from my life and help to heal .
Im a male im 46 years old , I have a severe stammer and a survivor of severe childhood abuse .
Ive been reading how caring and compassionate you all are and having to live with the trauma of what childhood abuse can cause on the ones you love and cherish.
Im ony just receiving the right help and understanding after living what id say is a living nightmare , but im a survivor and there is hope for every survivor to rebuild there shattered lives and so can everyone which im also doing .to find peace and harmony to try to let go of the shame anger humiliation ridicule of what ive had to live through , I don't have to prove im all man or im telling lies , I don't tell lies and I don't have selective memory ,I am a very honest person , some may see me with disgust with how I had to escape reality but that was my survival this is about education for about abuse and this is from a adult male survivors point of view .
MY childhood abuse was by my own family and a male family friend who acted like a father figure to groom and sexually abuse me from the ages of 12 till I was 16 .
My family life was being brought up in a very dysfunctional family , my first memories was constant arguing and fighting in our home between my mother and father both alcoholics both angry people , id hide in my bedroom with my sisters or escape to my relatives homes only to be turned away in the middle of the night to walk home to a smashed up home , I also had 5 sisters I was the 4th born an only boy pretty lost traumatised .
I was very shy and very nervous couldn't speak fluent always embarrassed , my father would call me a puff and try to make me play rugby with the rest of the lads on the street or tease me over my social phobias, I didn't love my father I was scared of him , he tried to kill me one night in his violent rages just before the separation and divorce , I remember hearing arguing I was in bed the door got kicked open he had something in his hands over his head saying he was going to kill me im sure it was a stool or table , a neighbour came in behind him and wrestled him away from me , my dad left a short while after that , I remember it was a sunday evening mum was in a bad mood it was bath time she told me to get in the bath she would often have her mood swings after dad left she started shouting at me I was only about 7 or 8 screaming at me I was like my father and a stuttering little bastard she then proceeded to drown me I couldn't breath I couldn't get a word out I was dragged out the bath and I ran to my room with a towel feeling completely traumatised , my mother would have certain boyfriends one was nice for a 2 years , but the relationship broke up , she seemed to be happy in that time , when he left she met another man all I can call him is a bully he never showed me love he,d cause arguments to hit me and my mother would join in and defend him each time , he,d call me stupid punch me chase me round the house , I was often the target of both of there anger against me , I found the odd job doing paper rounds or working on the milk , I lived in my bedroom or on the streets , I didn't like close affection tried to fit in using glue or sniffing gas to escape reality ,id come home off my head and get twatted .
My oldest sister raped me once when I was about 10 and she turned to bullying me after aswell , when I was 12 I started to go to a youth club , there was an older lad about 5 years older then me , he acted like a big brother bit of a father figure , he would take me hunting and his sisters asked me to baby sit for there children , I just sat in the house kids in bed watching telly making sure the kids where okay , it was good , he started to come round drunk at first hugging me then startng to touch me giving me beer , I felt lost confused , he would make me perform oral sex on him and masturbation , I couldn't go home and tell my family I was trapped and embarrassed , he would buy me gifts get angry if I ignored him and bully me sometimes , after 4 years of the sexual abuse I stabbed him in the end in his bedroom I was 16 , I did this so I could escape I knew it was wrong and I felt dirty like a sex toy for his pleasure , he crawled down stairs and told his parents he had lay on the knife he was rushed to hospital , I was told by him not to tell anyone the truth or I would go to jail and no one would believe me .
I walked away from the child molester even more confused and traumatised on top of my family abuse .
I was angry I started using drugs more and I got on a scheme a YTS , I started general building I left school with nothing very embarrassed , but the teacher took me under his wing acting like a father figure I never had the courage to tell him or his loving family of my abuse , he would take me at week ends doing building work on houses and brick laying plastering , he was never a threat to me he paid me well , I felt a little bit of love .
I had certain relationships with woman , id take a friend along to try to speak for me on some occasions , as I couldn't speak fluent , I had sex a few times but when I met there families there was often ridicule over my speech and nervousness round people , I thought relationships where built on just having sex with woman , I didn't know any different I wasn't attracted to men , I just got shy round them and ridiculed .
I eventually left the YTs scheme and started to work on the side for an Industrial roofing company , I had ridicule off the other workers , one got his cock out and stuck it in my face on the way home from work in the back of the works van one day , I felt ashamed ,
I eventually got a full time job I loved it I worked all over the country I left home at 17 , I would go to work for 12 hours and then have a drink sometimes , I did try to explain to a few men about my father but was ridiculed I couldn't dare tell them anything else .
I worked for the company till I was 21 when it went bust we where building a prison ,
I ended up back in my home town feeling more confident but always living with the trauma of the abuse and still very shy round people , my sisters boyfriend had a flat but he was living with my sister , I moved in and on the first night had my windows put through , the council came out and replaced the window , I was living in fear but I didn't have anywhere else to go I wasn't rally close to my family , I had been my cousins house a few times when I was home from working away and I was decorating the flat , it was evening and getting dark I found the area where she lived and knocked on the door thinking it was her home it was half ajar , I shouted JJJJayne and I heard a womans voice say come in , I pushed the door open walked into the hall and into the living room , as I walked in a woman started screaming to get out out I tried to explain but couldn't speak I was backing towards the front door , when I felt some one grip me round the neck and proceed to attack me , I always remember the rings on his fingers , he was strangling me smashing my head on the sink in the hall way my nose smashed and my teeth knocked in and my face smashed to bits ,I didn't hit him back as I knew id made a mistake , the beating went on for about 10 minutes she was hitting me aswell , I grabbed him round the throat and wrestled myself to the door , where I escaped into the front garden and gripped a brick , I heard my cousin shouting whats happened in the next door garden , we phoned the police but was offered no help they said because I had entered his home he had a right to defend it .I found out his home later had been robbed 4 times by drug addicts he moved a few moths later .
I was left even more angry and mentally ill and my speech really suffered , I went home battered and bruised and traumatised , a local bouncer heard about my attack and started to teach me Atemi jutsu , I trained hard and would always be fighting ,I battered a few drug addicts in revenge for the beating I had to go through , I only beat up house thief's , I would have girls round my flat from 16 to 25 be there friends had the odd kiss had sex with the older ones above 17 , there was a young girl only about 13 trying to flirt with me but I never had urges to have sex with her I was just her friend .
I started dealing drugs nothing big just to make extra money ,I felt ashamed but I thought while ive had my life messed up even more ill get something back ,
I worked in industrial roofing again on the side , go in some days high on my come down couldn't get a word out but worked hard .
I met a girl she was with one of my friends 2 years younger, she said she was being beaten and robbed by him , I started to fall in love with her , she left him in the end and got with me , she told everyone , she was lovely looking great body good sex normal sex , her ex came round one evening knocking on the door asking to come in saying she was a player of mind games demanding to come in she was saying don't let him in , I knocked him out and dragged him to the road , I was still very shy in meeting people suffering flashbacks from everything in my life , I first met her parents at my flat I was to embarrassed to visit them , the first meeting went shit I couldn't speak I tried but it was a disaster , her loving mother said on her way out with her husband out loud , That was the weirdest experience she had ever had , this was when things started to shatter my mind even more and sick comments would come out in family get togethers or when she visited our home , I would bite my tounge, her father who was an alcoholic told me she had a temper and would always berate him infront of her mother , her mother would always take her side heer father was a lap dog , my girlfriend came in from a social gathering at her college a few months after we met I was a bit jealous and she got in drunk we argued and she started hitting me I punched her once and knocked her to the ground I felt ashamed but was scared aswell , she became pregnant with our first child it was a boy after our first year together I wanted to start a family to show people I was a loving father even if I lived with a severe stammer and childhood trauma I wasn't going to put them what I went through , I loved my girlfriend , we moved into a bigger home , and life was good I started a roofing business , we had 2 more children 2 beautiful girls , I didn't like close affection and would get embarrassed on occasions , I tried to explain to her mother and father I had suffered abuse as a child but the conversation went dead and the subject changed and offered no help or understanding , I had times if my children or anyone went to cuddle me id freeze , always strange looks at me , one day after about 4 years of being with my girlfriend , I came home from work her mother and her where drinking coffee in the kitchen I sat down and she said in conversation , I knew this man once who could,nt cuddle kids or adults as he,d get and erection , my world came tumbling down I felt like smashing her head in I don't know what stopped me , I couldn't get a word out I was numb , I never revealed everything about my childhood abuse , I didn't know where to go I couldn't tell my family and fiends , my childhood abuse was by my own family .
I would go to her mothers house and visit and her brother would walk round in his boxer shorts if he came into thee room id have a panic attack and falshbacks , id always suffered from flashbacks but it was getting worse , there would be comments made out loud basket case and other sick comments .
I started to look at adult porn seeing adults making love a man and a woman then id look at people having orgies , I just wanted to jump in the screen and join them , I would make love to my girlfriend and id start talking kinky I wanted to prove I was normal , I never had urges to have sex or abuse children the thought of my own childhood abuse made me feel physically sick , some times id see my abusers faces when making love to my girlfriend , my sisters face who raped me and then the man who groomed me .
I tried to explain in more detail to her family about my childhood abuse but felt like I was talking to the wall .
My girlfriend and her mother came up with the idea to move many miles away where she had friends and I knew no one to buy a 4 bedroom house double garage big back garden for the kids , I knew in the back of my mind something wasn't right , she wasn't a batter wife we argued like all couples I worked well 7 days a week 12 to 18 24 hours a day n some occasions , I felt in control in work it was hard to relay my speech sometimes with work m8s but we got the job done .
We moved into the home , her parents visited ,
Such a lovely big house , I before buying the home rebuilt most of my girlfriends parents home as they lived in shit , we got her father sober , the model husband , tried to show them I was a good person to be loved and more understood .
Anyway we moved into the home , we,d get drunk at the weekends havea bit of cocaine , my girlfriend was never forced to have coke she was a speed freak before she met me , we,d make love id have to be very drunk ,she,d go to bed and I kept looking at adult porn I started to masturbate escaping from reality the thoughts of my childhood sexual abuse would disappear ,
She proposed to me 3 times over the years but I always backed out nervous of commitment nervous of saying my vows nervous of crowds nervous they where thinking I was a threat to my children ,the 3rd time she proposed I said okay , I knew it was just to have the rights too our home but I wasn't bothered as long as my kids where okay id survive if it turned to divorce , as long as they had a roof over there heads .
She made friends with a couple over the road they had 2 sons one 12 one about 8 , the couple would come over talk about my abuse and my sex life , I was open and drunk took me a while to speak sometimes but I just need to get it out , I could see my girlfriend looking in shock , I felt dirty worthless ashamed scared , as the wedding was coming up she phoned me in work one day about 8 weeks before my forced marriage ,and told me our 4 year old daughter had been abused by the neighbours son who was 12 , I was numb I thought my girlfriend was playing games id suffered sick remarks all through our relationship , I got home and went in the home in shock angry to think anyway had harmed my children , I wanted to get the police she said we,d talk to him and his parents , ill be honest I wanted to punch his head in and his fathers , but I could,nt understand why she didn't want him prosecuted , I went towards the wedding day completely numb I went out the week before our marriage and went out and had sex with a woman id met in the pub , I just thought I was living in a nighmare that was getting worse , the wedding day was a disaster I went to the alter drunk she came out with her father crying , I was lost , cant even remember having the photos done but looked at them the same day , I was positioned behind a barb wire fence and our son on the alter looking bored with him leaning with his hand on his chin , I invited the couple who,s son abused our daughter as I thought it was some big game , some statement , we had our reception I didn't even want to be there , I wanted to swing on our wedding night , I know its disgusting and im ashamed , I feel sorry for my ex I feel sorry how I reacted , the next day I ran away and went the pub and come home drunk , I was with one of my friends his girlfriend was there I just wanted to prove I was normal .
Ive never hit my children never shouted at them , after the wedding we where distant I couldn't blame her and I couldn't blame me , I told her about my childhood abuse many years before but not in great detail , anyway she started to have her friends round asking me about my childhood abuse I was drunk I couldn't hardly speak , I had a severe stammer .
She wanted me to make the neighbour to move .
I went to the pub he drank in and told him he had to move with his family , I knew no one I had to get him to one side told him what he had to do he said he,d bomb me if I forced him to move , I left it a few days and I seen him again he moved within a week .I hated where we lived ,I couldn't leave my kids or wife even though I knew she hated me .
A few months later I made friends with some guy he asked me to go the pub on our sons birthday , I went down for a pint 2 lads started kicking off hitting older men , he told me to sort it out I went outside with them we started fighting and they ran off I went home and found they had smashed my front door in my kids screaming I ask the lad to show me where they , I seen them in the road with knifes I started fighting with them they called me a child molester in the eend I was over powered so had to escape , the so called friend drove off in my van leaving me stranded , I ran down the road and eventually found him sat round the corner I was being set up .
I went his home and he gave me a samurai sword , I went to the attackers home and smashed there home up , I went home and was arrested , my ex showed little emotion , I tried to make it livable working all the time looking at adult porn , she would have her friends round when I was drunk asking me about my childhood abuse , I was ashamed but told them , sent me west but just told them straight ,I started going to woman prostitutes to feel some normal love
I was offered no help no understanding , I had a fear even more of cuddling my children in case someone thought id harm them , I could bath my son at first but after what happened to our daughter , I couldn't even dry them , my ex had her parents round the last year of the marriage and bathed the kids and sent our youngest daughter and I could,nt dry her ,I was looked at in disgust , I wasn't attracted to children and the thought of ever touching a child made me feel physically sick after what I had to endure , the last few months was a living hell she was bringing her friend and her daughter round saying she wanted to lose her virginity at 13 , I told them it didn't have anything to do with us and it was disgusting , then she brought a male neighbour round we got talking she went to bed he asked could he go on toilet ,I showed him the toilet I was drunk very drunk , who could blame me I was self medicating , he went to the toilet and then didn't return , I looked all round the bottom of the house , couldn't find him ,I went up stairs ex in bed son in his bed went to try to get in our daughters room and it was locked , I pushed the door open and I seen my 2 daughters in shock ,I through the man down the stairs and half killed him ,she told me the next day to forget about it ?
As our last xmas came together the xmas was crap I didn't want to be there anymore I told her a few months before I wanted a divorce , she had a b ig party on New years eve I was just bladdered sat on the couch numb , some girl came in trying to kiss me she looked about 20 , I was that bladdered she was trying to kiss me , after the party I went to her home and kissed her mother to leave me alone .
A few weeks later she brought the girl round again trying to show me her boyfriends penis on her phone I went in the living room to escape my ex and this girl , the girl came in trying to kiss me and my ex came in calling me a pervert I put an ashtray through the telly ,i went to bed to escape them , I was arrested and banned from the home , we had a joint account I knew for years I was being robbed , I cant blame her I was messed up big time through the trauma of abuse all I needed was for one of them to help me seek help for my childhood abuse and sex addiction with woman and looking at adult porn and how I was living inside me I was broken , I felt dirty I felt humiliated ,, I was seeing my children for the first 6 months after the break up , we had some nice times , but when money was tight and after I found out she had a secret bank account I couldn't see my children over money ,I gave her the lot , I ended up with a younger woman a blind date she was 25 I was 39 ,I tried to explain to her about what I had to endure in my childhood and adult life , her parents wouldn't let me go near there 7 year old daughter and she attacked me in the end and called me a child molester , I punched her once and broke her jaw, I was sent to prison , no business , no family , no friends .
Ive had a few nervous breakdowns and ended up in jsil twice since 2009 ,
I went to jail and was called a child molester , I self harmed I wrote to my sister my youngest and explaned my life when I came out of prison she told me our oldest sister had molested her aswell , I went to my parents home amd smashed there front windows and samshed there care up , I called them child molesters , I went to her brothers and smashed his windows through and called him a child molester on his front , I was arrested and jailed for 3 months , I am now having the right help and understanding off my local mental health team and im going into therapy soon , it feels great to be able to express my life and think I am not alone im damaged and who can blame me , im not after sympathy , im after saying if you have a partner who shows signs of suffering from childhood abuse , please I beg you show them compassion show them understanding and if you really love them be that shoulder to lean on , its not a laughing matter .
I live I quiet peaceful life now I take my medication ,I have no interest in adult porn now , or going to prostitutes or taking cocaine .
I enjoy painting ,which helps with my mental illness and social phobias and severe stammer , im more at peace now I miss my children every day , my ex is a good mother and she,s brought them up brilliantly im happy she,s found someone else and knows how it feels to have real love off someone who had a nice upbringing and loving family .
I did get a Winners medal off my children after the divorce which breaks my heart as it could of turned out differently .
I hope one day they will be part of my life again but im not holding my breath I just wish them a happy life .
I hope this explains a bit more about how it affects your adult life .
There is a taboo subject about adult male survivors .
This is my life
Im just so happy ive found somewhere were people can understand the effects of childhood abuse and maybe use early intervention to look for signs of what can happen if they are not getting amy help .
I don't harm children and have never had the urge to harm a child in any way .