Newest Members
PaulnMA, andrewmartin, Aurigny, Luther, LuckyCharm
12252 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Beyond Abuse (51), dona (55), JoMiFa (35), norbrill1 (62), RubyRoberts (62)
Who's Online
3 registered (PhoenixRising, 2 invisible), 34 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12252 Members
73 Forums
63108 Topics
441325 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#48912 - 02/26/03 09:22 PM How can I reconcile
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Brothers I have, I think, come to grips with the boyhood beatings and the sexual assault with the violence when I was 16-17. What is driving me right around the bend is the 3 1/2 years I spent as a male hooker in our Nation's Capital. I have an overriding terror that that is where I belong and that I was the aggressor and therefore a perp. God I am so frightened of that. I cannot reconcile this at all especially when I read all the posts of you my brothers. There was not anything I would not do for money as long as it was dangerous, extremely painful and resulted in my total degredation. To me that is total insanity. I hated it yet I wanted it and I still crave it. God I punish myself on my Mountainbike, playing hockey and snowboarding and no going the Gym and working out like a total nut case, which I am. I thive on the pain but it does not include the degredation and I am always left wanting and I dont know why. My dreams are full of it and I catch myself day dreaming about it and that gives me erection. I feel soo soo dirty for wanting it so badly. What can I do? I dont know where to turn

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
#48913 - 02/27/03 06:01 PM Re: How can I reconcile
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mike
Every time the memories of me cruising stinking toilets looking for strangers to give BJ's to, the sort of memories that can so easily become fantasies for masturbation, I try my hardest to remember that my abusers led me to these places as surely as if they had led me by the hand.

What the bastards did all those years ago set me on a road to my acting out.
No normal person gives unprotected BJ's to totally unknown men - nor do they seek the pain and degradation you sought.

The chances are the people we met are just like us, damaged children who think that what we are doing / did is all we deserve - therefore normal to us.

In that situation there are no perp's, only victims. Two of them.

Some of us go on to be survivors, but it's slow and hard Mike.
But you can do it.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#48914 - 02/27/03 08:36 PM Re: How can I reconcile
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Mike my brother you are for starters turning to your brothers here, and that's a good place to start. I don't remember if you're in therapy or not but if you are can you talk to your T about this? And if you're not, can you get a good T? Do you have a support group or people around you who can support you live?

My friend it's no wonder you're terrified. You've been thru hell, and you're still singed, still struggling to climb out of it. But the truth is setting you free brother. So don't give in & listen to the lies anymore.

Being a male hooker is most assuredly NOT where you belong. Subjecting yourself to abuse & pain & degradation is not what you need, and not what you want in your real true self, the self that speaks to us all in those posts you refer to. Furthermore, IMNSHO, a perp is definitely not what you are or were. You did not force yourself on anybody. What you did was subject yourself to horrible abuse that affirmed for you the sense of worthlessness you already had becuz of all the abuse you suffered in your formative years.

Mike, maybe you are causing yourself pain as you bike, play hockey, snowboard & work out. Sometimes, as some people have been trying to tell me recently, the lesser of two evils is just that, and is a better if not the ideal way to go.

Bad habits & behaviors must be replaced with good or even somewhat better ones. There is nothing inherently wrong with playing hockey & working out, and it can be a good physical & psychic outlet for you. In time you can learn to channel that better and slow it down to where you're not hurting yourself.

But only when & as you embrace the truth that you are a worthwhile & unique person that deserves to be treated with respect, honor & love.

Use those times mountain biking & snowboarding as times of fun & joy with Little Mike.

Take care of yourself, brother survivor. You deserve it.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

Top
#48915 - 02/27/03 08:58 PM Re: How can I reconcile
cog Offline
Member

Registered: 01/10/03
Posts: 42
Mike,
Sometimes when I feel like I am out of control, I may have a friend that reminds me ...

take deep breathes.

........breathe........


........inhale.........


........exhale.........


........repeat and focus on nothing but breathing .........

Sometimes,
when it is way too overwhelming, I do that. Sorry if I am being simplistic, but for me sometimes, it helps for friends to remind me of this.


Top
#48916 - 02/27/03 09:49 PM Re: How can I reconcile
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Thanks guys. I feel so lost. I just watched the movie life as a House and I got yanked right back to Major Hill Park at night. If any of you have seen it you will understand and for the rest of you my brothers do not watch it. It took me to where I am so terrified of being. I talked to my wife about this fear and also my P. My wife and I will see him on the 13th of March. BY that time my new medication should have kicked in "CHLORPROMAZINE" ( In large doses it is to try shcizophreniacs( me I guess) and the effects of the EFFEXOR I have been taking for so long will have worn off. I am trying to sta busy and work ny body in a positive way. I wish I had a picture of GUNNAR to carry with me to help me to be strong. I love each and everyone of you here as only a true brother can.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
#48917 - 02/27/03 11:47 PM Re: How can I reconcile
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Mikechurch - I agree with Wuamei that when guys share the kinds of behaviors and feelings you mention, two things are usually at work. One is a deep sense of not deserving or punishing (atoning) for past behaviors. The more we succeed, the more we push the envelope with risks.
The second is almost an addiction-like sense or need for adrenalin. When you're looking for that partner in the park or men's rooms, there is a sense of fear/ stomach "butterflies", that occurs...maybe like excitement or taking a risk. This adrenalin rush is powerful and can be addicting. Films, locales, etc. can trigger these 'flashbacks' or body memories'.
Both of these were experienced by me during my teen acting out years.
Just trying to be helpful and share! Hope it helps!!

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

Top
#48918 - 02/28/03 09:26 AM Re: How can I reconcile
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
ScottyTodd, Wuamei, Cog, Lloyd.
Thankyou thankyou thankyuou. God you all make so much sense. I am trying my brothers. I think that just knowing you are all there is a tremendous help to me. Yeh I get the cravings and the pulling but you know what. I can beat this because I am not alone and will never be alone again. My family ( Nicole and Tanya) and all of you here. God aI wish I could meet all of you and shake your hands. Shit that is not what I mean. I want to give you all a great big fat hug. The kind you give to someone you completely trust and love as only a true brother can. You all are like a breath of Sring and Sunshine.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.