I use to love mowing the lawn as a child and when we owned a home in CT. I remember I would start walking lines and before I knew it the front was finished. I would zone out and I guess walk repetitively up and down the yard for two or three hours. I found such peace and tranquility and most importantly felt safe, what was I thinking as I went through the motions, I never really remembered. It was like being on auto pilot, no distractions no one to disturb or push me into an abyss of pain. I have thought about this often and realize it was a sanctuary, it kept me safe and kept me to me. Was this my temporary place of isolation. We next moved to CA and I did not have this activity to help me collect and feel safe. I soon began to have syncope and what doctors thought were alarming PVCs. The nightmares and flashbacks started as I was fainting but I thought I had the abuse under under control. Years later we moved to VA and I had a yard to cut. But I could not reconnect with the sanctuary I once found in the simple task of cutting the lawn. The nightmares were always there since the syncope but the frequency was not overwhelming. I had some control. Well in VA the nightmares and flashbacks became worse, I was tormented and triggers were around me. I was falling apart and the memories were taking hold of my life.
I have wondered it I had not broken the timefor such a long time from the ritual of the lawn would I have been able to control the memories, flashbacks and dissociation or was the sense the isolation was my sanctuary an illusion or temporary state. I can say the isolation did relieve me of the anxiety in CT and for some reason my mind must not have gone to the abuse because I finished my task. Sometimes I think I read too much into my past, but my T has said we have temporary fixes to bury the abuse and emotions but soon or later the fixes become less effective because we need to release the pain.