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#487415 - 08/22/15 04:09 PM how does it work- love, 'in love' and attraction?
trishy Offline

Registered: 03/09/15
Posts: 12
Loc: Australia
I am unable to sleep tonight as I am feeling upset. So I share here in the hope of getting some relief, understanding from you, and some advise, if there is any to give.

I have been constructing a negative story in my head. This narrative is not helpful going around in my head so I am posting here to help clear my mind and maybe get some of your thoughts. I'm so thankful that this site is here as my worries are not ones I can share easily.

My partner and I have a deep love, care and concern for each other. This I do not question. I am a bit confused and hurting and have worked out my self talk narrative is this:

"He loves me, but is no longer in love with me. This is because of all the hard honest scarey stuff we've been working thru. His sexual function is low, and he is not interested in me sexually. We have a loving platonic relationship. He googles young teens early 20s girls we know. (My son's friends, and my cousin's daughter). When his healing has got to the point where he is sexual again, it wont be aimed at me because he is not attracted to women my age, but young women. I need to accept this engagement is not a forever relationship, realise there is an end date, and let that be. Then I feel that its one thing to be supporting healing, but to wait passively for him to hit this spot and move on to the type of lady he is attracted to is me being a door mat."

Not a great thought to have running in the back of my mind. We have spent more time in our relationship doing this healing, with only the first 12 mths of what I'd say was regular intimacy. His use of porn in the past (dont know if he still is) and zero attention to me, plus looking up young ladies we know, along with no compliments or passion in our relationship is hard to understand. yet he shares other parts of his life with me. Its confusing as it doesnt add up. Other than my negative narrative. Is it true? Do you remain in love with your long term partners? how does csa impact on this, or doesnt it at all? does he love me, but just isnt in to me? It isnt a great a great space to be in, for me.

His head is taken up with his own noise and changing family dynamics so he's pretty unaware. If I raise these types of questions he usually goes off at me as his coping mechanisms are at 'ffull' and he cant cope wih more.

We are in T and have a joint session in a couple months. Im tired of the drama and the pain of rejection. I hope there are some thoughts and insight you guys can share, it may be so obvious to you due to your distance from the situation.

Many thanks for reading my message


#487534 - 08/24/15 11:27 PM Re: how does it work- love, 'in love' and attraction? [Re: trishy]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 788
Loc: NJ
Have you ever read "I need your love, is it true?" Your note here makes me think of that book.

We all have stories and we can chose to feed them or we can chose to not recreate them. Rejection sucks but it may be part of your story. I encourage you to take a look.

#487678 - Yesterday at 04:37 PM Re: how does it work- love, 'in love' and attraction? [Re: trishy]
LuckyCharm Offline

Registered: 07/07/14
Posts: 11
Loc: California Mountains
Hi Trish,

You are wise to realize the negative narrative you have constructed. You are also wise to contemplate what truths might lie within it. I'm not familiar with the book Esposa recommended, but I'm sure it would benefit you. Can't get enough perspective when you are walking through this with someone.

I've been married a really long time. The first half of my marriage was pretty great. We shared goals, perspectives, parenting...lived life together, and it was good. My H did not remember the extent of his abuse then. Once he finally did start remembering...all hell basically broke loose. And it's been a struggle ever since. Today I can say we have walked through a lot of the fire, the dysfunction, the denial, the rage, flashbacks, dissociating, etc., etc., etc. Not that those things still aren't a part of our lives, but now thanks to therapy and hard work, my H has the ability to manage it better as he heals.

All this to get to your questions, because nothing about CSA is straight forward. So many decisions, dysfunctions, perceptions are often created at the time of abuse, by a child no less, that are still ingrained and acted upon today as an adult. It's not logical because children aren't logical. Abuse isn't logical. It's all so self destructive and so complicated, so deep-seated. It's easy to lose yourself, your needs, your boundaries within this journey if you don't look out for yourself. That's where a good T comes in. I'm glad you see someone too. It helps. Immensely.

Two years ago when my H started hardcore therapy (meaning several times a week, EMDR, daily assignments from his T, etc.) I realized it was going to take everything he had and at that point he was a pretty broken man. So I told him to take this time and focus on healing himself, our marriage could take a backseat for awhile as long as he was committed to therapy. And I really meant it. My boundaries were clear, my needs were specific and small in number and I let him know as they changed. I took a clue from the T and spent more fun time with our kids, took up a hobby and spent more time enjoying life both with my H and alone. A few times early on my H has crossed a boundary and I address it every time usually with the help of our T. I have found I need these boundaries to get through this time with me OK otherwise I feel disrespected. Over time, I found myself feeling renewed and re-energized. Slowly, I find my h meeting more and more of my needs almost organically as he grows and heals. Almost 25 years later, I can say I love my H just as much as the day I married him, if not more. Yes, CSA has impacted almost every area of our lives in one way or another and we have literally changed almost every area of our lives in response. Our T says most quit and don't stick with the healing process. I can see why. There is nothing easy about it. My H works his a** off everyday dealing with all this and quite frankly, so do I but of course in a completely different way.

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. I get it. You seem like a very caring, loving person and I'm sure you have spent countless hours trying to help your partner. It's good your partner sees a T. Maybe now it's safe to spend some time focusing more on your needs and boundaries within the relationship?
Wishing you peace,

Sometimes the only way around suffering is to go straight through it.


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