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#487103 - 08/16/15 12:40 PM first post
Alyosha Offline


Registered: 08/15/15
Posts: 13
+


Edited by Alyosha (08/24/15 03:54 PM)

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#487105 - 08/16/15 01:22 PM Re: first post [Re: Alyosha]
Jwmcd2 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/03/12
Posts: 109
Well Alyosha, we're happy to have you here though I wish for all of us it was for a better reason. Still, it takes a lot of courage to come here and ask for help. You've made it past the first huge hurdle by interacting with us here.

Remember though, your story is one you can dispense out to others only when you deem them deserving. a GF is a good place to start. just take it slow and share some vague stuff to see how she reacts. There's no need to go into details until you know how someone will take it. For your own safety and such.

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#487108 - 08/16/15 01:42 PM Re: first post [Re: Alyosha]
Alyosha Offline


Registered: 08/15/15
Posts: 13
+


Edited by Alyosha (08/24/15 03:54 PM)

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#487109 - 08/16/15 03:40 PM Re: first post [Re: Alyosha]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 776
Loc: Ohio
Hello Alyosha, and welcome. This is a safe place to talk about the issues facing us as a result of the sexual abuse we suffered as children, and occasionally as adults.

Your story resonated with me. I covered up the pain and despair and self-hatred with alcohol. I drank myself into oblivion every night for decades until the house of cards I had constructed could no longer bear its own weight. With my wife's support I got sober and got help to deal with the CSA.

One of the very difficult lessons we have to learn is that what was done to us was not our fault. We did not deserve it, did not ask for it, did not want it. We may have cooperated with our abusers, but that does not mean we consented. Children are unable to consent. They can only comply. The distinction is crucial because it is the difference between being our fault and not. We may have complied -- I certainly did, with multiple abusers (including my mother) -- but we were physically and mentally unable to consent as children. We are not at fault and therefore the self-loathing and blaming ourselves is loyalty to dysfunctional thinking.

A hard lesson to learn is to not be loyal to dysfunctional thinking. I am still learning that lesson and I have been in therapy with an excellent psychologist who specializes in the treatment of adult males who are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. If you do not have a therapist I hope you will find one. The more we talk about the abuse the less dangerous and mysterious it becomes.

I hope you'll use the resources here. We are all here to help one another, and there is a fantastic group of men here.

Good luck to you!

Mike
_________________________
Suisse et libre

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#487112 - 08/16/15 07:49 PM Re: first post [Re: Alyosha]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 302
Alyosha

Welcome and this place has helped me is so many ways. I am so thankful for it.

I understand where you are. It is so difficult to write and talk about. I am finding the more I talk the easier it becomes, by no means is it second nature. I have to work at it and I choose my words carefully. I am told it will get easier.

I am glad you are here. As for telling your girlfriend I know it is your decision and you need to be comfortable with telling her. You can best figure out what her reaction will be. I have seen two sides of telling. My Dad was a survivor and we just recently learned he had told Mama of his abuse years ago. We now know she was less than kind or supportive. She made his life more of a hell. Dad had acted out in ways that were not who he was and we know he was not experimenting. The torment and abuse in the house pushed him back into dissociative states and he went seeking circumstances similar to his childhood sexual abuse. He was not aware of who he was or what he was doing. Mama used us basically to stalk him, ransack his car, office, clothes, closets and anything that was his. He knew and this stalking only pushed him further back into reliving the abuse, some sort of imprint was left within him from the abuse. We found stuff and Dad said he did not know where they came from and of course we called him a liar to his face. We did many horrible things to Dad. The doctors have told us from his medical reports from years ago he suffered dissociation frequently and the causes were his childhood abuse and the abuse in the home at our hands. Mama knew of his CSA, exactly when we do not know, but she knew at some point and the torment continued. It seemed to infuriate her even more that he was abused and only telling her now after all that he supposedly did. We will never really know what he did. This is how one wife reacted.

My wife always suspected something dark happened to me as a child. I had a nervous breakdown a few years ago and somewhere along the way I told her of the sexual abuse. She listened and was kind and loving. Never pushed me for details, just held me, stood by me and has been here with me to this day. So she reacted in a way that gives me support and love. She also takes care of herself to make sure we do not have a co-dependent relationship. Mama developed this type of relationship with her children and it seems Mama had this type of relationship with her mother and siblings.

If you tell your girlfriend, I hope you know her well enough to know how she will react. I think a bad reaction when I told would have been devastating.

Take your time, feel safe with yourself and then decide how to move forward. You will know when the time is right. I wish you the best outcome.

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#487116 - 08/16/15 09:40 PM Re: first post [Re: Alyosha]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2000
Alyosha -

After reading your intro, it seems to me that you may be dealing with issues very similar to the ones I did - to the ones I suspect a very large majority here have had to address. I cannot give you any answers, but I can share a little piece of my own journey. Maybe it will mean nothing - or maybe something will resonate.

One of the toughest things for me was to separate my sexual identity from my victim identity. In fact, I think I am still working on that. Like you, my abuse started pre-puberty (I was a late bloomer at 12 and more like 10 or 11 in my physical development), and the molestations significantly distorted how I grew into my identity. After the abuse, I went through a period of indulging homophobic rhetoric. Dating women was like taking medication - that I had to do it because ultimately it was "good" for me. I even looked at it mathematically - that I needed as many experiences with girls as I had with my abuser in order to outnumber my "gay" experiences - as if that would suddenly turn the knob on that golden door to heterosexuality.

I used to think my abuse made me gay. I think instead it just made me confused. I used to see it as a "gay" thing. I now realize it was a boundary thing. What my abuser stole from me was that wonderful rite of self-discovery and autonomy of exploring who I was. Instead I played the role of who he needed me to be for him. It seems that I am still discovering the depth of those wounds. Recently, I realized I am still trying to please people by being who I think they want me to be. The patterns etched into us so indelibly at such a fragile age ripple in so many other forms to all the corners of our lives, many of them nonsexual.

We were taught in school that the echoes of the universe's big bang birth still reverberate through the universe after almost 14 billion years - that deep space probes can still "hear" it. I believe the abuse we endured as children will echo within us to the grave.

Alyosha, my wish for you is to learn to embrace yourself and find the peace that comes with that. Ultimately - for me - it is not about remolding myself to something other than the definitions my abuser assigned to me. I had to be who I had to be. I bear the scars of complying, of acquiescence, of yielding to his will - because frankly I simply had no other choice. One does not "recover" from that any more than a soldier can grow a leg back after losing it in war. We are who we were molded to become. But it was here at MaleSurvivor that I learned to stop the civil war with myself I have been waging for so many wasted years.
_________________________
Eirik



Click my pic to see why I'm here.

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#487117 - 08/16/15 10:43 PM Re: first post [Re: Alyosha]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 5512
Loc: O Kanada
i hope your heart will heal.
welcome to our corner of the internet.
i am sure you can give as much help as your receive.

thank you for speaking your truth!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#487134 - 08/17/15 06:39 AM Re: first post [Re: Alyosha]
Alyosha Offline


Registered: 08/15/15
Posts: 13
+


Edited by Alyosha (08/24/15 03:55 PM)

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#487565 - 08/25/15 12:13 PM Re: first post [Re: Alyosha]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 419
Hi Alyosha,

I noticed you deleted your posts.

I hope you are doing ok.

Take care..

Sven
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#487620 - Yesterday at 01:57 PM Re: first post [Re: Alyosha]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 5512
Loc: O Kanada
same here.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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