It has been a very long time since I have posted here. I have come to this community intermittently for reassurance and support and always found the experience to be very valuable.
If you would like to read my story you can find it here (although it was written 5 years ago so a lot has happened since then): http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5366#Post335366
I am writing this in the wake of a complete emotional breakdown. I am a Social Worker (in Australia) who up until the start of this year worked in a clinical role and I loved it.
Then I completely fell a part and had to leave my job because I couldn't function.
I won't bore you with the details of same but I know that this is my responsibility and it's up to me to get better-- to this length I have a counsellor I see regularly, I meet up with friends weekly, I go to the gym 3 times a week and I paint and write and meditate--- basically I'm doing my best to get better and be ok.
So is my husband. He sees a counsellor, sees a PT, is thriving in his work and (although he hates being social and would prefer to be just with me) he has been making an effort with social connections.
He has a self confessed porn addiction whereby he looks at gay/ male porn. He is also on Grindr (a website where gay/bi men chat and plan meet ups). I know he has sent pictures of himself using this site and (he claims using a fake persona that means he could never actually act on it) makes invitations to meet up. He says he has never met up or cheated on me physically. I am finding this increasingly difficult to believe, The thing is I don't have any judgement (now) about whether he is straight, bi or gay. I just want him to be honest and upfront with me about it, I am scared to continue to invest myself into our relationship if (in part) I am living a lie. I should also mention that since I have found out he was on there he claims he has shut it down (this has happended a few times). He claims that these times I have "caught him" are the only times it has happended, these have been months a part.
We have, mostly, a very loving relationship. He is warm, caring, compassionate and stands up for social justice. He is also very charismatic, engaging and able to influence and win people over easily. He is kind, funny and intelligent.
He has PTSD and sociopathic tendencies (recently confirmed by his therapist, which my husaband reported back to me), This is where I get I get scared. I understand sociopathic behaviour well from my universities studies and independent research I have conducted since.
I fear that I may be having the wool pulled over my eyes and this scares me.
I also have anxiety and depression. I find it difficult to distinguish what is just my anxiety and what I should be concerned about.
I don't want to leave my husband. I love him and our life together (and our four children). But I have been wondering lately if I might be better off by myself. I am struggling to cope with the "not knowing" and like my therapist pointed out-- I may never know the truth, completely (she didn't say this to convince me to stay with or leave him but more to highlight that we should be working on my ability to cope with the "not knowing" if my choice is to stay).
We both see Gestalt therapists and we both really respond well to this type of therapy. I am not religious and (despite previously expressing interest in 12 step programs) I am really not interested in them-- my approach to healing and life is in stark contrast to the philosophies that this approach promotes (I am not against it, it is just not in synch with me and my values and beliefs).
My husband and I talk about all of this quite openly (now). He doesn't really know what else to do. He asked if I had any suggestions-- I said perhaps he could see our GP (we have an excellent doctor) and discuss it further with her and perhaps a referral to a psychiatrist might be necessary as he has become increasingly aware of his dissociative habits. I also suggested seeing his therapist more regularly.
Other than that, what else can we do? He knows he has an addiction and he hates himself for it. We are both trying to heal and taking actions to achieve this. We both feel a bit desperate and hopeless in that we are trying many different avenues to improve the situation but it still persists.
I know it's a journey and healing takes time but I feel like I'm sort of breaking in the process.
Thanks for reading. Any response is welcomed and appreciated (even if you disagree with my perspective or feel that parts of what I have said should be challenged).