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#486435 - 08/02/15 09:07 PM My husband has been using Grindr...
givemestrength Offline

Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 29
Hi all,

It has been a very long time since I have posted here. I have come to this community intermittently for reassurance and support and always found the experience to be very valuable.

If you would like to read my story you can find it here (although it was written 5 years ago so a lot has happened since then):

I am writing this in the wake of a complete emotional breakdown. I am a Social Worker (in Australia) who up until the start of this year worked in a clinical role and I loved it.

Then I completely fell a part and had to leave my job because I couldn't function.

I won't bore you with the details of same but I know that this is my responsibility and it's up to me to get better-- to this length I have a counsellor I see regularly, I meet up with friends weekly, I go to the gym 3 times a week and I paint and write and meditate--- basically I'm doing my best to get better and be ok.

So is my husband. He sees a counsellor, sees a PT, is thriving in his work and (although he hates being social and would prefer to be just with me) he has been making an effort with social connections.

He has a self confessed porn addiction whereby he looks at gay/ male porn. He is also on Grindr (a website where gay/bi men chat and plan meet ups). I know he has sent pictures of himself using this site and (he claims using a fake persona that means he could never actually act on it) makes invitations to meet up. He says he has never met up or cheated on me physically. I am finding this increasingly difficult to believe, The thing is I don't have any judgement (now) about whether he is straight, bi or gay. I just want him to be honest and upfront with me about it, I am scared to continue to invest myself into our relationship if (in part) I am living a lie. I should also mention that since I have found out he was on there he claims he has shut it down (this has happended a few times). He claims that these times I have "caught him" are the only times it has happended, these have been months a part.

We have, mostly, a very loving relationship. He is warm, caring, compassionate and stands up for social justice. He is also very charismatic, engaging and able to influence and win people over easily. He is kind, funny and intelligent.

He has PTSD and sociopathic tendencies (recently confirmed by his therapist, which my husaband reported back to me), This is where I get I get scared. I understand sociopathic behaviour well from my universities studies and independent research I have conducted since.

I fear that I may be having the wool pulled over my eyes and this scares me.

I also have anxiety and depression. I find it difficult to distinguish what is just my anxiety and what I should be concerned about.

I don't want to leave my husband. I love him and our life together (and our four children). But I have been wondering lately if I might be better off by myself. I am struggling to cope with the "not knowing" and like my therapist pointed out-- I may never know the truth, completely (she didn't say this to convince me to stay with or leave him but more to highlight that we should be working on my ability to cope with the "not knowing" if my choice is to stay).

We both see Gestalt therapists and we both really respond well to this type of therapy. I am not religious and (despite previously expressing interest in 12 step programs) I am really not interested in them-- my approach to healing and life is in stark contrast to the philosophies that this approach promotes (I am not against it, it is just not in synch with me and my values and beliefs).

My husband and I talk about all of this quite openly (now). He doesn't really know what else to do. He asked if I had any suggestions-- I said perhaps he could see our GP (we have an excellent doctor) and discuss it further with her and perhaps a referral to a psychiatrist might be necessary as he has become increasingly aware of his dissociative habits. I also suggested seeing his therapist more regularly.

Other than that, what else can we do? He knows he has an addiction and he hates himself for it. We are both trying to heal and taking actions to achieve this. We both feel a bit desperate and hopeless in that we are trying many different avenues to improve the situation but it still persists.

I know it's a journey and healing takes time but I feel like I'm sort of breaking in the process.

Thanks for reading. Any response is welcomed and appreciated (even if you disagree with my perspective or feel that parts of what I have said should be challenged).

Thanks xo

#486436 - 08/02/15 09:14 PM Re: My husband has been using Grindr... [Re: givemestrength]
givemestrength Offline

Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 29
What I've also realised about all this, and only recently, is how much shame I harbour because of my husband's actions and how much I have supressed this over the years in attempt not to add to his shame. I don't feel that I have a victim mentality but this realisation has been quite profound (despite it lingering just beneath the surface for many years-- and, admittedly, was probably much more salient and impactful on my husband BECAUSE I tried to push it down rather than acknowledge and work on it).

ok I'm done...

#486437 - 08/02/15 09:30 PM Re: My husband has been using Grindr... [Re: givemestrength]
givemestrength Offline

Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 29
I forgot on of the most important and concerning points!!!

He has also admitted to watching porn that is "simulated rape." Yep, this scares me. A lot.

I'm I crazy to think that even with all of this we can still have a good, loving relationship?

#486445 - 08/03/15 12:46 AM Re: My husband has been using Grindr... [Re: givemestrength]
Bob51 Offline

Registered: 05/28/15
Posts: 6
Loc: Maryland
Dear givemestrength,

I wish I could give you a simple answer, or simple assurances. I haven't posted on here much, but happened to see yours, and it sounded too familiar not to respond. My situation is different, but there are definite similarities.

I would say that the odds of you having caught him each time he's been on Grindr are pretty slim. If he's on there, he's on there. That's the reality. That doesn't necessarily mean he's acting on anything, but he's probably spending more time there than he will ever admit to.

That said, he probably can't (and I mean can't, not won't) fess up because it's too difficult. Acknowledging it to you would mean acknowledging it to himself, which is probably just too hard. There is his guilt involved. This is so similar to the situation I am in with my guy. In an attempt to work through things, I've outright told him it's okay... do what you need to do, I won't take it personally. Even then, even with complete permission to do it, he still hides it from me (or at least tries to).

I try to focus on what we have, focus on the fact that I love him and I know it isn't a rejection of me. It is a place that he goes when he's feeling bad about himself. It is incredibly hard to hold on to that perspective, I know. But it sounds like you have a solid foundation to your relationship. Hang in there.

I love my guy. He can't talk to me about any of this, which is incredibly hard. But I've chosen to give him time in the hopes that someday he will. People need to love themselves first, and all this CSA baggage makes that really hard. I'm still pretty new to dealing with all this stuff so I hope others chime in as well. You should (and can) set limits for what is okay with you. But also understand that what he does isn't really about you.

I'm right there with you and I understand what you're feeling.

#486446 - 08/03/15 01:36 AM Re: My husband has been using Grindr... [Re: givemestrength]
whiteflag Offline

Registered: 07/27/14
Posts: 11

I am the gf of a survivor, while our "issues" are not the same, I am sending lots of support your way. I have experienced some of the same feelings and thoughts as you....unanswered questions, is he being completely honest, feelings of shame regarding some of his behaviors that have hurt our relationship, questioning if the relationship was best for me, etc. It is very painful and I am so sorry.
My bf suffers from PTSD too. In the past, he would routinely disappear when our relationship began to develop more emotional intimacy. During these times, I am quite sure he was with other women but wont admit it. His behaviors have been anxiety provoking and painful, to say the least.
During the last few months, I've worked very hard at determining what is okay with me. For example-his isolation doesnt bother me anymore, nor does his struggle expressing emotion, but him being with another intimately I cant accept. Even if its not about me.
Only you can decide what is ok for you. And you don't have to decide right now, be gentle with yourself.
And you are not crazy to believe you can still have a "good,loving relationship". Its very positive that your relationship is loving, you are both in therapy,he acknowledges his addiction to porn and communicates with you. Big pluses in my book.
Thanks for sharing, hopefully it will bring some relief and comfort knowing you are not alone!

#486457 - 08/03/15 08:48 AM Re: My husband has been using Grindr... [Re: givemestrength]
Mishka95673 Offline

Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 316

Edited by Mishka95673 (08/19/15 12:32 PM)
Edit Reason: Footprint

#487772 - 08/29/15 12:53 PM Re: My husband has been using Grindr... [Re: givemestrength]
lovehimalways Offline

Registered: 01/01/14
Posts: 1
I wish I knew what to say or help, but unfortunately I don't. However,reading your post really struck home. We have had a roller coaster of a journey but had started dating in high school. It is now 12 years later and I feel like so much has been said and done and I km have no idea where to start picking up the pieces. One of these days I have to write our story ... but I understand the feeling of wondering if wool is being pulled over your eyes ... I understand the feeling of not knowing... I told him that I wanted him to be open and honest but once he was the anger and confusion has flooded both of us ... I don't want to label him like everyone has always tried to do, so I have always believed what's he's told me as the I'm finding out they are half truths ... teetering on the edge of accepting that gay porn gets a response from him or pushing to get help bc I know he's reliving the abuse.... You are at such a different place in your lives ... we don't have children, he isn't in any sort of therapy yet, and he's angry right now and questioning everything in his life. I try to be loving supportive and consistent but then I crack and either start crying and shutting down or spatting back at him ...

#490013 - Yesterday at 10:11 PM Re: My husband has been using Grindr... [Re: givemestrength]
pittsburgh Offline

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 93
Loc: west Chester, Pa
My heart goes out to all of you. I have experienced most of what you are saying. My anger was over the top. Just would not let someone get close to me. "they might find out" The acting out would rival a moon shot. my GF found me close to death for a over dose of pain killers. Six years later we are a happy couple. That's also six years of "T" I learned that I should not let my perp still have power over me. The acting out with the porn, was and is a way of my taking my power back. After all I just had to click off to end the contact. Something I could not do as a skinny eleven year old. What could I do against a two hundred pound perp. So he had his way. So began a life of hurt for myself and those in a relationship with me. So began years of hurt. I wish you all the best. There is hope, With the help from my better half at last we have made a better life.
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.


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