demon_boi,

is it possible that your dad is both these things? both the dad you want and the dad you don't?

if so, and as tough as it is, try to think about him as a good person with flaws. or as a flawed person who you want to be good. don't think of him as only one way and then only the other. that's not good.

my dad wasn't around much either when i was growing up, but i always told myself he was working to earn money for the family. this was largely true, but he also wasn't as emotionally available as he could have been when he was around. all in all, a net positive.

the other reason i bring this up is that the SA does a good job of making your brain and your feelings think two different ways about a lot of things. and whenever you can, it's a good idea to get your brain and heart on the same page. if you want your dad but your dad's not around, maybe you shouldn't defend him so much. on the other hand, if he's not around for a good reason, it's okay to feel hurt by him sometimes even though you love him.

does that make any sense?