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#48545 - 02/16/06 07:34 AM Why I haven't told anyone
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
Time for another long-winded post, fellas.

As far as I know for sure, there are 5 people, in the Universe, who know exactly what happened to me. Sure, I've posted the bulk of my story here a couple of months ago, but you guys don't count. I hide behind a made-up name; you all know "somebody"s story, but you don't know my story (if this makes sense). Although I am glad to have simply been able to say some things. But still, to my knowledge, there are 5 people who ever knew about my abuse. I am one; two of them are my co-"victims", two of them are the offenders. I don't know where any of them are; I don't even know if any of them are still alive. For the longest time, I didn't want to know. Now, I wouldn't mind. It would make certain things easier. There isn't a single member of my family, living or dead who knows, or knew. I haven't been able to tell them. To explain why, I need to air a bit of dirty laundry.

A couple of years before my abuse took place, my sister accused my father of abusing her. It didn't happen; it was a lie. I'm not just saying that because I've taken sides over this issue - when it happened, I was too young to understand or even really care. No, I happen to know for a certain fact that my sister is a pathological liar, who has accused several people over the years of the same thing, and other things. That's as much as I think I need to say about her. But as I said, back then I didn't care. My father was court-martialed and found not guilty. I didn't understand or care about that either at the time, except that I was happy that he wasn't going away.

A couple of years later, I was abused; and a few more years after -that-, I came to terms with the fact, and decided that I really wanted people to know. But I couldn't tell my family. My sociopathic sister had poisoned the "abuse" well - I cannot see myself getting any support after opening up. Well, maybe some from some people, but not enough to make it worth the trouble. I know some would become suspicious. I'm almost even afraid to prosecute, if I suddenly found the opportunity. Could you imagine the trial? That's all I need the defense team to bring up - my sister. Great.

But it's not just my sister. This poisoning of the well, as it were, is widespread. What is it about people that makes them wish they were abused? A couple of other forums I go to, not CSA related, have been interrupted at times by people who come on claiming to be the most wretched folks in history. "I was raped when I was a child. Then I was put in a foster home, and they raped me too, and beat me. Then in high school, my boyfriend beat me. I tried to commit suicide. I've had 8 car wrecks, survived a mafia contract, and underwent 31 different surgeries to remove cancerous tumors in the last two months. I'm going to die in 2 weeks. Why won't you guys cry for me?" It goes on and on - I'm sure you guys get the drift. I don't know why people do this - attention? Fun? People who trust these "wretches" at first, and offer so much support, end up getting seriously hurt when they find out the truth. It makes you not want to trust anyone. I've made many good, GOOD friends on these forums, many of whom I've met in real life, who I've been tempted to tell of my abuse - but I won't. The well's been poisoned.

Then, there are people who may not want to have been abused, but want others to have been, or be abused. Not in a hateful way, either - I remember seeing some video taken in the 1980's, during an investigation into the infamous McMartin Daycare mess. The video was of the sessions between "investigators" and the kids, showing the investigators mentally pounding these little kids into saying something - anything - about sexual abuse. The kids were making up stuff just to get the shrinks to leave them alone. Why? Is it so important to "catch the bad guys" that we need to invent victims? This zeal comes back to bite with a vengeance. What if someone really had been abused at McMartin? No way of knowing, now. What if Michael Jackson has abused a boy - how will that victim ever find justice, now? I understand the frustration at the lack of a solid case to show to the world - but that doesn't justify grasping at straws. It is this grasping at straws - this "poisoning of the well", whether direct or indirect, which keeps people from coming forward.

It's kept me quiet for years.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#48546 - 02/16/06 08:22 PM Re: Why I haven't told anyone
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
I haven't told anyone outside of the MS forum either.
(The brief time I was in therapy when I was 20 or 21 I said I'd "had some experiences when I was younger"- but the therapist didn't ask for any more details)

For me I guess I'm still feeling shame over what happend to me as a kid, even if it wasn't my fault.

I have some casual freinds that drop hints like their curious why I'm still single, why I don't date, etc. Sometimes I think about telling them, "look, I'm f'd up from childhood abuse, I have a hard time trusting anyone" But I don't want the reponse I think I'd get- their shock, and feeling sorry for me, and asking for details. And then I'd just be "that guy who was molested" everytime they see me, or talk about me to others. I don't want to define myself, or be defined as a victim of abuse, so I haven't told people about it. Maybe I'll get to a place where I can be open about it, but i'm not there yet.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#48547 - 02/16/06 09:47 PM Re: Why I haven't told anyone
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
That's another problem, too - you're right. Explaining to somebody that you were abused isn't exactly like explaining how you like your coffee, is it? Peoples' perceptions, no matter how long they've known you before, will change. I wouldn't want anyone I interact with to become overly sympathetic, to start apologizing for nothing, or to start avoiding me out of embarassment - that would only make things worse.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#48548 - 02/16/06 11:01 PM Re: Why I haven't told anyone
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
Like most of us probably I've wrestled with this a lot over the years. What if I tell and no one believes me and they think I'm crazy? What if I tell and they do believe me and still think I'm crazy. I've concluded there's not a right or wrong way.

I've kept my story pretty close to the vest lately. I told a few people when I needed support years ago. And I told a few people to try to get some justice many years ago. But these days I keep it to myself.

Not much good ever came from telling people about it. But then again not much good comes from keeping it to myself. I guess not much good comes from it period.

The only thing I've changed over the years is I've quit believing that I have to tell people. My first therapist suggested telling one person per day for a year. Just get rid of the secret, was his philosophy. He mainly did it to shock me into realizing that it doesn't matter a whole lot who knows or doesn't know. For a lot of years I felt ashamed that I couldn't manage to just lay it all out there. These days I say it's my story, I'll tell who I choose and not tell who I choose and it really is no one's decision but mine.


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#48549 - 02/17/06 03:30 AM Re: Why I haven't told anyone
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Very interesting thread you guys. Well, I've talked about my abuse, I've disclosed to my parents, I've told by brother (who's friend did it to me when I was 9 years old), I've told a Therapist, and I've told 2 girlfiends. Big deal. I don't feel any better. But I've no regrets either.

I've come to feel (I may be wrong about this) that it's not the disclosure to others that's important, rather, it's the commitment to one's self to address the unresolved problems that have obviously manifested themselves in all of our adult lives. (not to discredit the efforts of some kids who have been coming here either).


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#48550 - 02/17/06 06:35 AM Re: Why I haven't told anyone
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
I completely agree with Hauser there, Disclosing and acknowledging for ourselves is far more important than disclosing to others, others cannot do what we are not ready to do for ourselves that is acknowledging our past and responding with compassion and care requisite to our life situations.

Also our stories are singularly ours and not any way compararble to others, they are not better or worse than others, and pain is not a denominator that would make them so, make them more worthy for attention.

For in the long it doesn't matter how much pain we have gone thru in our life but what REALLY matters is what have we done with our pain.

Have we turned it around into love or compassion for others? And as all things is life love also begins with self love, and so it is with compassion.

Only then we can begin to understand the plight of others or see their life with requisite compassion and respect.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#48551 - 02/17/06 09:42 PM Re: Why I haven't told anyone
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Melliferal,

Quote:
A couple of other forums I go to, not CSA related, have been interrupted at times by people who come on claiming to be the most wretched folks in history. "I was raped when I was a child. Then I was put in a foster home, and they raped me too, and beat me. Then in high school, my boyfriend beat me. I tried to commit suicide. I've had 8 car wrecks, survived a mafia contract, and underwent 31 different surgeries to remove cancerous tumors in the last two months. I'm going to die in 2 weeks. Why won't you guys cry for me?" It goes on and on - I'm sure you guys get the drift. I don't know why people do this - attention? Fun? People who trust these "wretches" at first, and offer so much support, end up getting seriously hurt when they find out the truth. It makes you not want to trust anyone. I've made many good, GOOD friends on these forums, many of whom I've met in real life, who I've been tempted to tell of my abuse - but I won't. The well's been poisoned.
We have thousands of members and visitors. By far and away the vast majority of these people are legitimate survivors. The very few who do
'poison the well' are eventually found out, sometimes it takes a while, but in time they trip themselves up and then they are banned. Why do they do it? Who knows - there is a huge cross section of people in the internet world, many needy people seeking attention. I used to feel angry with them for their deceptions, but now I try to recognize that their challenges are just as difficult, but unfortunately belong in a different forum with a different client group.
Great topic.
Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#48553 - 02/18/06 12:36 AM Re: Why I haven't told anyone
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
bc43026,
focussing on our own issues and personal healing is always the most direct and effective course.
I really like what Hauser wrote too, and I really like Melliferal's sign off "Children cannot consent; they can only comply."

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#48554 - 02/18/06 05:24 AM Re: Why I haven't told anyone
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
Quote:
Originally posted by Andrew:
Melliferal,


We have thousands of members and visitors. By far and away the vast majority of these people are legitimate survivors. The very few who do
'poison the well' are eventually found out, sometimes it takes a while, but in time they trip themselves up and then they are banned. Why do they do it? Who knows - there is a huge cross section of people in the internet world, many needy people seeking attention. I used to feel angry with them for their deceptions, but now I try to recognize that their challenges are just as difficult, but unfortunately belong in a different forum with a different client group.
Great topic.
Peace, Andrew
Well, I haven't seen anyone in this particular forum that I'm suspicious of. It's easy to spot a phony in, say, a science forum, when they start harping on. However, this being a forum dedicated to abuse (well, discussion of abuse), it's normal for people to discuss such things here, so nobody sticks out - perhaps there are some, but I digress. These incidents in the other forums are fascinating, I'll admit - almost funny in a way, if I didn't take the subject matter so seriously. But I do wonder, often, what motivates such people.

As to disclosing "to myself", as opposed to "others", I suppose I'm doing fair enough in that regard. I've read many posts here about people who have told friends and family - for the most part, their experiences are good, or at least not negative. As I thought on it, I concluded that my disclosure to friends or family would have more negative than positive antecedents, so I wanted to post my thoughts here. Hey, if I can't disclose, then I can disclose why I won't disclose, I suppose.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#48555 - 02/18/06 06:00 AM Re: Why I haven't told anyone
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I will break my thoughts on this valuable topic into two posts, since they have to do with two different issues. The first is that of trust in general.

Here, as in so many ways, my thoughts more or less line up with those of Morning Star, from whom I have learned so very much over the past few months. I have come to understand that first and foremost I have to believe in myself and love myself. I have to be honest with myself and decide that the recovery I aim for is about me and those I care about. It doesn't depend on what the rest of the whole wide world wants or thinks.

I have come to care about a very large number of people here, and in fact even those with whom I have never exchanged posts or PMs - I care for all of them and I would like to think of them as my brothers. I know there may be frauds here and there, but you know what? I don't care. Out of 3000 people here there are a few attention seekers or whatever? Are you kidding me? That makes Male Survivor a lot safer than the real world in which I have to live, in which I estimate that a good HALF are attention seekers and opportunists that I would not want to trust. It's the responsibility of the mods here to provide me with a safe forum in which to discuss our issues; it is NOT their task to guarantee me or anyone else a cocoon.

As we progress further on the path of healing one thing we have to accept is that the world at large is not 100% safe and never will be. Everything worth having or doing involves risk, and that includes recovery from CSA. I have recently been able to tell a few friends on the spur of the moment that I am a survivor; it worked well and of course I am pleased. But suppose they had said, "Oh, did you like it then?", or, "Oh, so are you gay now?", or some other such nonsense. That would have wounded me, but it would not have deterred me. I know who I am and what I am and I like me as I am now. If others don't understand, these basic facts remain unchanged.

I know, of course, that for new guys it is especially important that they feel safe, in the sense of secure from frauds and opportunists. But FAR more important is the need for them to feel wanted, accepted, believed and encouraged by the rest of us. Fortunately that is all present here, and we all have each other to thank for that - admin people, mods, members, and guests. But that is what makes this place special. A fortress Male Survivor without that spirit of community would not be worth the trouble. It is that spirit of community and compassion, and not the latest in software security systems, that makes us feel we can talk and benefit here.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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