Ok guys, I decided I was going to try and invent something and write some supportive words to my younger self. I figured it would help me connect to other aspects of me I tend to rip up or minimalize.
Some guys spoke about writing angry letters to perps but I wrote an encouraging letter to myself. Sort of hearing what I wanted to hear at those ages.
And holy crap, does that open up some stuff. I'm sad over stuff that happened and experiencing a new wave of sadness at just exactly what I lost when I was harmed. Realizing stuff wasn't my fault but that I actually was ok. Telling a little 4 year old that he's alright and lovable. Telling a child he's not weird. Telling a preteen he is not insane. And it all just hits home it is me. And I can see that when I care about a child that was hurt, it makes me feel motion sickness or vertigo when it occasionally sinks in.
It all happened and it is not my fault, but... Damn if I don't feel sorrow. I'd feel bad for any one of those kids, but they're actually me when you press everything together.
Suddenly, it doesn't seem like what I survived was "no big deal". It was a very big deal. It makes me reel in my chair and cry for those kids. Well, I guess I mean me.