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#484942 - 07/03/15 01:15 PM Help!!! - trying not to get sucked into it today
Mishka95673 Offline


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 271
Be well


Edited by Mishka95673 (Yesterday at 11:10 PM)
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#484945 - 07/03/15 02:24 PM Re: Help!!! - trying not to get sucked into it today [Re: Mishka95673]
Mishka95673 Offline


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 271
Be well


Edited by Mishka95673 (Yesterday at 11:10 PM)
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#484946 - 07/03/15 03:26 PM Re: Help!!! - trying not to get sucked into it today [Re: Mishka95673]
MountainGirl Offline


Registered: 07/03/15
Posts: 3
Loc: USA
The classic "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie should be required reading for all of us who love survivors. At the end of the day, we - and they have to do it for ourselves.

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#484954 - 07/03/15 06:56 PM Re: Help!!! - trying not to get sucked into it today [Re: Mishka95673]
Mishka95673 Offline


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 271
Be well


Edited by Mishka95673 (Yesterday at 11:10 PM)
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#484955 - 07/03/15 07:35 PM Re: Help!!! - trying not to get sucked into it today [Re: Mishka95673]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 943
Loc: michigan
hi mishka
first I want to tell you how much I appreciate your efforts with your survivor loved one. I do have a heart for those who love survivors and know they have their own personal hell to live with.

I think for your sake it might help you to try to remember that you are not responsible for his pain. you didn't do it and you can not un do it no matter how much you would want to.

I will say from MY own personal pain that for someone to try to "baby " me will send me over the edge. it is a real problem for my wife who loves me and wants so much to love me when I am hurting. if there is an opportunity maybe ask him is there someone that he is reminded of when you try to help.

my abuse came from many people but the early abuse was with babysitters. the thought of people "caring " for me is a huge trigger. I know that is not much help in knowing what to do. but maybe an incite into the mind of at least this survivor.

the problem for me is what constitutes "babying" that definition seems to drift from time to time and situation to situation.
I hope that it gets better for you both
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#484958 - 07/03/15 08:55 PM Re: Help!!! - trying not to get sucked into it today [Re: Mishka95673]
Mishka95673 Offline


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 271
Be well


Edited by Mishka95673 (Yesterday at 11:11 PM)
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#484964 - 07/03/15 11:43 PM Re: Help!!! - trying not to get sucked into it today [Re: Mishka95673]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 778
Loc: NJ
Mishka - if you haven't read Codependent No More, you really really should. Like stop taking his calls until you read the book twice. This type of involvement on your part is really not healthy for either one of you. It took me several readings of the book to see what I was doing and how I was contributing to the situation.

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#484984 - 07/04/15 06:30 AM Re: Help!!! - trying not to get sucked into it today [Re: Mishka95673]
Mishka95673 Offline


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 271
Be well


Edited by Mishka95673 (Yesterday at 11:11 PM)
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#485040 - Yesterday at 09:15 AM Re: Help!!! - trying not to get sucked into it today [Re: Mishka95673]
Mishka95673 Offline


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 271
Be well


Edited by Mishka95673 (Yesterday at 11:12 PM)
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#485046 - Yesterday at 11:32 AM Re: Help!!! - trying not to get sucked into it today [Re: Mishka95673]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 778
Loc: NJ
Mishka - please read the book. I am not sure what you mean by continuously evaluated for codependency.

He may also be codependent but that would only increase the likelihood that you are too.

Overfocusing on someone else's process or on the contribution of someone else to our experience is hallmark for a codependent. So is the idea of having control over the outcome of someone else's decisions. Of course I know nothing other than what I read here but it seems in the very least that he acts out financially and you are his financial codependent.

Please get and read the book as soon as possible. The author does a pretty amazing job and as I said, it took me several reads to finally be able to see myself clearly.

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