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#48450 - 05/21/05 11:39 AM tough day
Larrymat Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/29/05
Posts: 27
Loc: St. Louis, MO
I have to say this and maybe I'll settle down. The urges are so strong. Desperately need to work right now and I cannot stop myself. The images come back, the neighbor on me. I'm ashamed and scared and, damn it, turned on. I need to work and instead I'm sitting here, wallowing in it, and masturbating!!! Now that the memories are here or is it fantasy or what in the hell is in my head? Cannot seem, at least at this point, to stop that reaction when I thiunbk of him using me, or mom using me. I guess it's better than going to the adult theaters and risking disease like I have so often. Just talking hopefulkly I'll settle down but oh god it's so difficult. The memory seems so strong and I know i know its wrong but i cant stop myself.

Larry

_________________________
Larry

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#48451 - 05/21/05 11:49 PM Re: tough day
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Larry, It's not wrong. It just is. The only wrong was what they did to you. Now you are coping...in the only ways you know how to cope. They are painful ways...most of us have them...the kind that we beat ourselves up for after we've done them, but can't seem to stop doing. I have them. My t has helped me understand them, but, so far, I haven't been able to stop them. They are not wrong, Larry. You are not out being a perpetrator. You are not hurting others. You are still being hurt by those who hurt that boy years ago. Find someone who will help you understand. Understanding will help you cope...will help you deal with what you're doing...in a positive way. But, what you're doing isn't wrong. What you're doing is still reacting, and it's not your fault. Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#48452 - 05/22/05 01:55 AM Re: tough day
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 466
Loc: UK
Bobby said it well, I know how wrong it feels but itís a reaction to a wrong not a wrong in itself.

Take care Larry, sorry its so difficult now, recovery isnít easy but with work it will get better.

Peter.


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#48453 - 05/22/05 02:34 PM Re: tough day
RangerJ19 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 42
Loc: North Woods
Larry,

I don't think that I can say it any better than Bobby did. But in case it helps to hear one more voice say it:

You're not wrong. You're trying your best to cope with something horrible that was done to you. As long as you're not hurting yourself or someone else, then you're not wrong.

You're trying, you're surviving. You're a hero, no matter how you feel today.

_________________________
Life is worth living.
'Cause of legal issues and the fact i'm still trying to get better, I don't PM or chat w/ minors.

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