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#48434 - 07/12/04 07:32 PM Fine line between survivor and abuser
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
There is a fellow 'survivor' (I don't even know if he is one at this point) that I had been friends with. He broke my trust, severely betrayed me, and irreperably damaged the relationship. The 'friendship' has continued to 'limp along' for some months. Little contact. Occasional email. Because what can you expect in a friendship where one person has NO trust in the other? But I have honestly tried to forgive. And I can't do it. It's beyond me.

The last contact I have with this person, it is not pleasant. I accused him of doing the same thing that caused the problem in the friendship to begin with. I wasn't pleasant, I was quite rude. I admit that. And my suspicion is groundless. How do you confirm or deny a suspicion of someone through internet? It's impossible. But based on past history and behavior, I have my suspicion, and make my accusations.

He replies that I am pompous and arrogant to have such suspicion of him. Perhaps that is right. Perhaps it is pompous of me to suspect him of doing what he has admitted to doing before. Perhaps it is arrogant to suspect after previously dealing with months of deception with this person.

Then he say that because I no longer trust him, I have broken HIS trust. How the hell is that? HE is the one who ruined the friendship with HIS behavior. He is the one who betrayed MY trust, to a great extreme. Yes, somehow, I guess by allowing him to do that to me, I must have harmed him.

It sounds quite like an abusers way of thinking to me. Blame the victim. Blame the innocent person for 'making' you do this to them, and so causing YOU significant harm.

Perhaps I should go home, go to my old coach and apologize for making him hurt me to the point of putting a restraint order on him, and making police report. I am so VERY sorry that I didn't take his feelings into consideration, and how much of an interference it would be in his life to be looked at as a criminal. Yes, I am so very sorry.

A**holes. Both of them.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#48435 - 07/12/04 07:58 PM Re: Fine line between survivor and abuser
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Leosha
I'm sorry that you have been hurt by someone else who comes here.

Any contact on the internet can be difficult, it's so much harder to sense someone elses intentions, feelings or mood when we can't see them.
And there's always the possibility that the other person is online for the wrong reasons to start with.

So please ( everyone ) take care in your participation here, and if you do have any problems remember that the Mod's are here to help.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#48436 - 07/12/04 08:11 PM Re: Fine line between survivor and abuser
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Thank you Dave. I know that the moderators work very hard to help resolve conflicts between people here. But truly, there is nothing to be resolved now. This person knows quite well to never contact me again. The hurt, that is past. Now he just piss me off.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#48437 - 07/12/04 08:20 PM Re: Fine line between survivor and abuser
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Pompous and arrogant are very odd words to use in a situation like this.

Best wisdom as I see it is to try to act as if you never had this "friendship". It sounds as though neither of you want any of it at all.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#48438 - 07/13/04 12:57 PM Re: Fine line between survivor and abuser
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
Leosha,

As Lloyde said, it is hard to read what a person means. Our vocal inflections don't carry well over the internet. And you can't see the point at which I smile. Those thing make a difference.

I trust your judgment in the situation you described. All that I can suggest is that you review (once again) those things that led to the situation. Then, choose your stance and let it go.

Aden


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#48439 - 07/13/04 01:13 PM Re: Fine line between survivor and abuser
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Leosha,
Unfortunately I have had survivor friends that meant a great deal to me when we met that have broken my trust. I'm sure they would have a story to tell as well but I can no longer trust them. It is sad because these people meant so much to me.

One thing I am beginning to learn is that not all people who I think are my friends, are not necessarily my friends. Sometimes it takes me time to figure that out. I'm also learning that I need to surround myself with people who have a "positive energy" and a "pure energy" to them. Anyone else can become a drain and I am not talking about someone being positive minded. This is different. It is people that truly care, respect and are in the long haul journey with you, not the ones that try to tear you down, make you feel guilty, shameful, etc.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#48440 - 07/30/04 08:35 AM Re: Fine line between survivor and abuser
Shawn_L35 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/29/04
Posts: 31
Leosha,

I am quite new here to this site. It was referred to me by a friend of mine -- I have been reading and your posts have caught my eye - perhaps because of the many replies and support you give to others.

This post you wrote -- bothered me. To think that there are those people out there who thrive off of turning situations around, making us feel as we are still the victims, while all along, we thought they were victims too. Who knows -- maybe he is a "victim." A "friend," that I would have to argue with. Friends do not hurt like that.

YOu have every right to have a suspicion when you have noticed it elsewhere, especially when you have dealt with it first hand from this person. And to think it is someone from here -- it can't get much worse than that.

Leosha -- your life is your life. It is no less traumatic than any other life here. We are all so very important and our lives matter. Yes, perhaps our situations differ some, but they are all so very traumatic and unbearing. To believe that one person has tried to make your life seem less than it is, I can't seem to find a word for it.

Your suspicion of your friend "relapsing" and continuing his belief in his honesty of his situation -- he must live with that.

I would mention to your other friend to be careful of what he is told and what he hears about this person.

I tell you this Leosha, because I have been there. I know what you are talking about. And it hurts. If feels like the worst type of betrayal. To believe you have found someone who you believe is close enough to feel as a brother and to find out you must question his validity -- is heartbreaking. I have been hurt too.

As for pompous and arrogant -- Leosha -- you????

Never.

Believe in yourself. There is someone inside of you that we all trust and believe in. I wish you could find that part of you too.

You will be in my thoughts.

Shawn


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#48441 - 07/30/04 09:42 AM Re: Fine line between survivor and abuser
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Leosha

Sounds like this "friend" has overstepped your boundaries.

See him for what he is and break away, he is not a friend to call you those things.

You still have many friends here

take care

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#48442 - 07/30/04 12:59 PM Re: Fine line between survivor and abuser
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Leosha your ending says it all.

Quote:
A**holes. Both of them.

Leosha
You got it totally right brother of mine.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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