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#48370 - 12/22/03 05:48 AM Returning to the 'crime scene'?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Okay, so I will be at home with my family, in my home city, in another few days. The few times I have been at home to visit since moving to this country, I have spent time strictly with family and a few friends, and made a conscious effort to NOT go anywhere near the place I used to train.

But, THIS time, I am thinking about going there. My student is there right now, (training with a different person, of course) preparing for national championships. Although almost all the time, the rink is used for club training, they do also have 'open' time, where public can come in for skate lessons, or just do some general skating.

I was thinking about it, to just show up there one day while I am at home. It would of course be with many other people there, and I would not go near 'him', I am not crazy and stupid (well, some crazy and stupid, but not enough for that, haha). I just am thinking a lot about the look on his face, if I were to just come in and skate around some for fun on HIS 'home territory', as they say.

I am also thinking of it, not as means to face him, but as means to face it. That is where he abused me, in his office there, and I am sure where he did with others also. The whole place was one of terror for me, for a long time. And it is only a place, a building, something that can not hurt me. I am wanting maybe the 'clousre' of it, to face it and know that I have, that I can not be hurt by it. (And maybe will find some holy water to throw on him, see if he explodes, haha!) I am thinking of it more not to just 'show him' (although yes, I am childish enough that that is part of it), but more to prove something to myself, in part of reclaiming my life from that particular fear.

Has anyone done this, gone back to the site or place, in means of closure? Has it helped, or done anything positive for you? I would appreciate opinion on this, as I will be home again on Wednesday.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#48371 - 12/22/03 09:06 AM Re: Returning to the 'crime scene'?
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
leosha,
what a wonderful message of hope and courage to go back to the source of what happened for closure, and a new beginning!! i have thought of this myself in so many ways. unfortunately, we moved around so much when i was a child that to revisit them all would be another lifetime of travel \:\) . but seriously, there was her childhood hometoown where a lot of the abuse took place. i keep seeing the key places in my memory, and of course, there is the scumbag she married so long ago that lives 45 minutes away where some of the more catestrophic abuse took place. yes, i do think of revisiting the old places, but i don't think it would be closure or a new beginning for me right now. i do believe though that when one is ready to face it then such a thing is a healing experience unequaled. for now though, it is not appropriate for me. but for you, only you can determine that, leo. i would love to be a fly on the wall to see his expression as you fly across the ice and just look into his eyes as you oh so nonchalantly give him the local equivelaent of the "finger" \:D . be subtle though, the greatest insults are those done with the greatest of subtleties leaving the recipient wondering if they really did see what they thought they saw \:\) . take care, my friend, and if you would, light a candle for all of us survivors in your home country, therein lies the hope of us all...that it is never forgotten in the most sacred places of our births.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#48372 - 12/22/03 10:00 AM Re: Returning to the 'crime scene'?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Leo,

I admire what you're about to do. It may not bring the closure you want, but it's courageous that you want to do that.

My dear friend, you continue to make progress and I feel you are such a good man. You give me hope and make ME want to change (not for you, but for me, which is how it really should be, neh?).

I am also happy that you are finding the courage to love someone. I hope it goes the way you wish it to, but it also opens possibilities if it doesn't. You deserve happiness.

Peace, love, and courage, my dear brother. ((((('Lex)))))

Scot \:D

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#48373 - 12/22/03 01:43 PM Re: Returning to the 'crime scene'?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Leosha, it can be healing for you, especially if you are surrounded by friends to help keep you safe. I think it would be safest if you skated as though he were not even there. Totally ignore him. I do not see it wise to engage him in anyway. He is not a normal man. He is apparently a bomb always waiting to explode--don't light his fuse.

But do skate, have fun, but make sure he and you never connect. That is just my opinion, flowing from what happened the last time.

It sounds like a great plan to reclaim that rink as your place as much as anyone else.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#48374 - 12/22/03 03:22 PM Re: Returning to the 'crime scene'?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

Open time is open time. It is your home and your right to skate there when the rink is open. If you do not expect too much from the experience, I believe it will be good to reclaim your right to be part of the city, one of the skaters, having fun at home. As you say it is just a building, but it should be a building for having fun, not one for painful memories.

Have fun whether you go to the rink or not, whether he is there or not. You deserve to have fun.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#48375 - 12/22/03 07:38 PM Re: Returning to the 'crime scene'?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Leosha
The old school where I was abused was empty for many years, and only about 10 miles from where I live.
And I've been back both before and after starting my recovery.

Going back the last time I went to all the places I remembered so well, and my memories were as good as I thought they were. The places were exactly as I remembered them.

It wasn't easy, but I walked around slowly and stood looking at certain spots. I cried a lot, and I though a lot too.

But I laid a lot of my doubts to rest that day and left with a feeling of confidence that I hadn't felt before. I knew that I was RIGHT !

I'm sure there are people in your home town who know you, admire what you've achieved.
Put your skates on and show them what you've achieved - with your head held high.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#48376 - 12/23/03 10:46 AM Re: Returning to the 'crime scene'?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Leosha you have received some really good support here on this issue. Do it for youself my brother. Why???? Because you CAN!!!!!!

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#48377 - 12/23/03 03:57 PM Re: Returning to the 'crime scene'?
bountiful1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 58
Loc: New York, New York, USA
Hey Leosh!

Do it! If it feels like it is something you really want to do... go for it! I know that feeling. The power in the legs - that bend of the knee - the cold cold wind against the cheek! That beautiful place is yours -(ours)- there is so much beauty in the act of doing what you do so beautifully!!! And hweryou trained is your place as well! it is your place where you - above impossibl;e odds - became the great athlete and great person I know you to be.

Bring all the loved ones you can. Have them there for you. It may not end up the way you hope (I HOPE IT DOES - FOR YOU!!!)
YOU DERSERVE TO FLY FREE ACROSS THE ICE - IT IS YOUR RIGHT! FLY AWAY! Bring all of yourm loved ones to support you and to be there for anything you might find comes up... I WISH FOR YOU TO TAKETO THE ICE WITH ALL OF THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR YOUR SKATING AND WITH ALL OF THE GRACE I KNOW YOU HAVE AS A MAN!!!

I will be with you in my thoughts - If it feels really like it is time - go for it!!! If it feels like you don't want ot at the last minute - that is alright too. You can reclaim times and places wheneve and however you want to (You don't have to do it literally)... BUT - that said - I am with you in my thoughts my good friend!!! Fly accross that ice - and - if I may ask - do one amazing jump or spin for me (I haven't skated in a long time!!!)

Bless you and I will be thinking of you - with whatever you decide to do!

as ever,

Asher

_________________________
I do not know what signature means in 300 words. I am guessing some thoughts?

Great book that captures the truth of PTSD: The Sentimentalists by Skibsrud

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