It's been a year or so since I've posted last but here goes.
A friend that I shared my most difficult secret with has been bugging me, in front of other friends and co-workers about the fact that I don't have a girlfriend. I haven't dated for about 7-8 years because I just am afraid to let anyone close again. I feel I'm tainted. I've had some very good progress over the years and I'm feeling better and better as time goes on, but I'm almost deathly afraid of letting someone in that close again. This kind of stems from a relationship I had with a women over ten years ago......I was crazy about her and I thought she was sent from the heavens for me. Things were pretty passionate and I preferred sex over talking at that time. I think now that I was using sex w/her to make me feel more like a man. I wanted to prove to myself I wasn't gay (because of my abuse,) and pound on my chest to prove being heterosexual. In any difficult situation I had with her or that I brought home, sex would be the crutch I would use. After a while she became uncomfortable with this and eventually broke up with me. Since then, I've felt like my own predator, because of the things she said about me and my need for sex. I felt like I was turning into a molester in some way and she saw this when I couldn't. So that said, I feel like any women I might be attracted to can "see" my disease right away or that somehow through the grapevine of all women discussions, that I was outed by this previous girlfriend. Stay away from him, the notice would say....
Anyways I'm pissed that my friend is publicly discussing this most intimate trouble of mine, and at the sametime I'm just worried I'll get to a somewhat happy place, but be by myself for the rest of my life.
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