why do I have to be gay.
I feel angry. I feel ugly. I never have had a girlfriend.
I remember jenny st. ___ I had a crush on her. But I didn't
know who I was, and b/c of him (sperm-donor) - I feel so scared. Fascinating I have this fear and it was from 1984 and
it feels like I am living this memory now.
Don't know you. don't know who to talk to. I think I get why some drop-in counseling places - they cant be my dad.
It feels so challenging. Feel I have no worries but I had to leave my mom. and I needed her. She doesn't need .
me. I sometimes feel like I wanted her as my dad. who?
my mom. I journal on my blog but I wanted to know if I am gay.
I need this. I need to know I am good. and I am smarter than my dad would need me to be. He needs all the attention.
I was envious of him placing my cousins first and I got to cry and cried a lot as a baby ; my Uncle smacking me and calling me stupid all the time. I am just trying to be a man but it hard to do this when I keep thinking of sex. I never had been a man. How can I be a man when I am not yet a baby.
P. Everyone might think that is weird , bizarre. I believe ,see how. But I have never had parents and had to keep quiet all the time. I think this abuse that my dad's family did really leaks into everyday communication, and interaction I get with anyone. Bozna wants to have it all!
Convincing me that my mom is evil. I grew up so stressed that b/c I wasn't allowed to think , this my cells in my mind got all anxious and praying for some affection, love. My mom
was forced to stay away. My dad is really mental to assume that I have to be exactly like him. He who doesn't know who he really is. He did this. Doing everything to get acceptance and unconditional love from his parents, validation.
That isn't funny to do this. Don't let me get me. Good song-title and thanks for that Pink. I didn't want to die.
But I never have. Bozna . everytime I think I have to think for them. For their bilie. She cant accept who her mom and dad are and so I had to turn my mom into this greedy person and who isn't worthy of my love. Boy, this feels fantastic!
My dipshit father knows . He knows how to keep me quiet.
Food! Just don't tell your mom. Staring at me with this frightening facial expression. Everytime I look at my mom I was scared that w she would do something to me. I think I am going through puberty. What also is exhausting is therapists who don't see that they make mistakes. I have had therapists that should have been through some therapy of their own. Their worries, and misleading their beliefs are not to affect me and how they give me therapy.
So. It is been a hard road. Never take you guys for granted. don't have a home. and I guess I like men.
I like guys' asses. I love men.! and I think my mom rejected me , which really hurt my safety. I had no home.
And the one thing my dad's family is give Goran food and he will want more. If I eat I can never say . I can say it now. So fuck him, them. All of 'em.
creeps. that is it. I am tired. need exercise , money. money and would love to see my nieces and nephew and
sister in law. and love but am careful to how I expect from my mom. She thinks her dumb , stupid husband is something great. Great at being an idiot!!
run away, asshole.