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#480885 - Yesterday at 01:10 PM Trust
Magellan Offline

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1444
Loc: California
Reflecting on some recent experiences and disappointments and some life long difficulties this morning.

I have a profoundly hard time trusting people. And as a consequence, I am unable to develop any close or intimate relationships with others. I'm chronically lonely as a result. Some of my coping mechanisms over the years has resulted in a tremendous amount of heartache because of misplaced trust into people who did not deserve it.

I posited a rhetorical question on facebook this morning "When will I learn to stop putting trust in people who are untrustworthy"?

I mean, I am 43. I should have learned this by now. But I keep getting hurt by placing trust in people who later turn out to be completely untrustworthy. Why do I keep doing this?

Someone responded to my facebook post with this "trust is a funny thing. for me it rarely has anything to do what what I've been told or promised and everything to do with what I can come to expect from someone.. I trust them to be who they are."

This comment hit me in a peculiar way. I had to think about this for a few minutes before I realized how true and profound his comment was. He trusts his experience of people, but he doesn't necessarily trust THEM. He trusts himself more than anything else, and as a consequence, patiently has learned how to place his trust in people after watching them and noting how they behave.

How is it that he learned this, and I have not. And that's when it *really* hit me.

I never learned how to trust others because I never had a parent that was trustworthy. It is our parent's responsibility to install that sense of trust and intuition into us; showing us through their behavioral patterns and consistency that we can trust how other humans behave. But I had erratic and insane parents; and I never learned how to trust them. Even still, my mother still does not practice anything trustworthy with me, and she wonders aloud why we don't have a relationship.

The broken experiences I've had all my life were as a result of never learning how to trust another human being, and because I need and crave intimacy so badly. I am still trying to get something that my mom should have given me as an infant/toddler. Thanks for all that awesome neglect, mom!

But how to take responsibility for this NOW? At age 43? The only thing I can do is to learn how to trust myself as best as I possibly can, and then very very patiently watch and observe others as I interact with them, and see how they respond to me, and slowly but surely come to recognize those patterns that I see in human behavior that can allow me to start taking calculated risks with others, and building trust with them.

Pffft. What a loaded thought.

Edited by Magellan (Yesterday at 02:23 PM)

#480908 - Yesterday at 06:58 PM Re: Trust [Re: Magellan]
Bluedogone Offline

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 418
Loc: Southeast US
Hey Magellan,

I think you've NAILED IT. Trust only comes by trusting. Both "them" and yourself.

Originally Posted By: Magellan
very very patiently watch and observe others as I interact with them, and see how they respond to me, and slowly but surely come to recognize those patterns that I see in human behavior that can allow me to start taking calculated risks with others, and building trust with them.

Trust (or lack of) has always been a problem with me. Keep in mind, and I have to remind myself too, there's going to be times when the trust in someone proves to be a big error. But that doesn't mean you should stop trusting.
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

#480916 - Yesterday at 09:10 PM Re: Trust [Re: Magellan]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 936
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Magellan,

I've come to the conclusion that the only person I can ever trust and need to trust is myself. It is myself that I have to trust to be able to realistically see others, and to know I can trust myself to have flexible boundaries that can respond as necessary to the behaviors of others. I have to be able to see others for who they are and make healthy judgments about how our lives do and can intersect. I've never had the sight to see myself realistically, to know who I am. I'm learning.

Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#480926 - Today at 12:04 AM Re: Trust [Re: Magellan]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 403
Loc: NY

One of the difficulties in relationships is when someone "demands" our trust instead of "earning" it.

For a long time, I simply thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't trust very much. Then I would trust way too much and get manipulated or brainwashed.

On the other end of the spectrum, I think I can spend a lot of time in a state of judging myself for being lonely and distant and not trusting. I can also imagine everyone feeling critical of me for being scared.

I wonder if this is behind dependency issues. Feeling too dependent or co-dependent is a kind of substitute for trust. When we fear dependency we might be fearing getting close. This kind of fear is can be helpful in establishing more security if we explore and appreciate it, even while taking risks.

In another instance, we might fear skipping over the valuable process of building trust and then getting into trouble. This is simply that knowledge that there is anxiety that we might be trying to brush aside.

It seems that healthy risk-taking would then involve not completely abandoning one's fears. Since fear is part of what is there to tell us that something else is needed, it seems all right to listen to it. Perhaps this can lead to more better trust in others. These days I try to appreciate that building trust is a healthy, human process.

I'm beginning to realize that having to earn trust with someone shows respect, caring and even love (go figure!).

Lose the drama; life is a poem.


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