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#48087 - 06/30/03 10:56 AM Elo guys
titan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 11
Loc: singapore
Chanced upon this place during one of my many sleepless nights. Thought it was great that a place like this exisit, a place where I can talk and share and not be afraid of stereotyping and judgemental people.

I was abused by my stepfather when I was 11. It was a ongoing nightmare till he left my life when I was 14 or 15.The night before he left he brought some friends over and had fun with me while they watched, and later held me down while his friends had their fun with me.

I sort help with a pastor in the church I was then attending at the age of 17, someone whom I have built a trusting relationship with for 2 years. It backfired. I was once again taken advantage of, and he blamed me for what he did. I decided then that I would never seek help from anyone as I cannot afford to trust anyone, buried the painful memories deep inside and tried to live life as normal as possible.

Things seems to get better. The nightmares that haunted me seems to get lesser, though i can't sleep well all the same, waking up at the slightest noise. Just last week I bumped into my stepdad on the streets. He had the cheeks to approach me and talk to me, acting like nothing has happened and that we were like father and son again. All the while all I could do was stand there like a idiot, not hearing what he said and feeling this tremendous fear that seems to consume me.

The nightmares and flashbacks return. Night after night I make sure I stay awake, and when I fail to, I would wake up soak in my own cold sweat, having that feeling he is in my room once again.....

stopping now... am lost for words.


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#48088 - 06/30/03 11:04 AM Re: Elo guys
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Titan I am sorry for what has brought you to us but am glad that you are hear.

You are having a difficult time right now and you will find a hell of a lot of support here. No judegements, just concern, caring, brotherly affection of the right kind, and helpful hints. Remember you are never alone again. We are all here for each other.

So read, post and join in. It is a rough trail but well worth the hike to living life as it should be done.

A Canuck Brother

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#48089 - 06/30/03 11:32 AM Re: Elo guys
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Titan, welcome. You have suffered such awful betrayal. The betrayal by your pastor just adds to the feeling that no one is safe and all want to abuse you in some way.

You will find here Titan, that we are very safe and no one will abuse you in anyway. You are accepted as a brother here, and we are good brothers, brothers who help each other, receiving as we give.

You sleep problem is something most of us can relate to.
I hope you find a good therapist who can help you with the effects of the betrayal and violations you have endured.

One thing we know for sure--you are a courageous man. Titan is a great nick for you. Only the strongest and the best can endure what we have and still move on in life, or even live at all.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers that you can have good, truly restful sleep really soon. He really cannot harm you anymore Titan. But the memories and flashbacks can be pretty awful. You will need a wise person to help you rise above all of this.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#48090 - 06/30/03 12:46 PM Re: Elo guys
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Titan - Sometimes it really is hard to know who to trust...2 years and then BAM! What nerve he has!! Sorry for all that crap but glad you have found us. I agree you would help yourself if you could find a 'good' therapist [our directory has lists or there may be some guys here who live in your area]. You kinda wonder which is worse - night terrors or the fear of night terrors! I do know the guys here are just great in supporting, understanding, sharing what's worked for them... and they will listen to you! You are NOT alone!

I encourage you to join in, share, vent, question or whatever. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#48091 - 06/30/03 12:49 PM Re: Elo guys
godsrabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 98
welcome titan...

i hope you find support and comfort here...there are people who understand and can help...

talk as you feel comfortable to do so...go slow if need be...


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#48092 - 06/30/03 05:28 PM Re: Elo guys
titan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 11
Loc: singapore
Thanks for all your kind words. I'm just glad for this place where i can speak up, and not have to hide as if I'm ashame of myself, but very often I still am. I dare not see a therapist. Being in a very "public" job, I would lose my career if I got found out, Not to mention the finger-pointing and gossips that will follow. It's one of those things I'll rather carry with me to my grave.


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#48093 - 07/01/03 12:45 AM Re: Elo guys
jwh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 98
Loc: dallas, tx
Titan,

You are very courageous for posting here.

I understand your wariness about finding a therapist but I hope that eventually you might seek out therapy from someone who specializes in abuse recovery. "Taking it to the grave" is protecting your abusers, not yourself. You were never to blame for being sexually abused. I cannot emphasize that enough. You will hear that over and over again on this site b/c all of us who were sexually abused as children or teens have blamed ourselves in order to try to make sense out of absolutely insane experiences.

For now, I advise checking out Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer" and Mic Hunter's book: "Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Child Sexual Abuse." These are very validating and helpful.

I hope you keep posting here and am glad you have joined us.

Jeff

_________________________
"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division

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#48094 - 07/01/03 01:18 AM Re: Elo guys
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
I'm sorry for what happened to you. It burns me up to hear these storyies over and over again. If you did decide to seek therapy, remember that therapists are legally obliged to keep confidentiality. I don't know what your actual situatiuons is, but the fear of what will happen if anyone finds out is often something that is left over from the origial fear from the abuse, not an actual reflection of actual consequences. BUT, trust yourself and your best judgement. You are the survivor.

Ken


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#48095 - 07/01/03 01:47 PM Re: Elo guys
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Titan
Your story touched me deeply, I was abused - sought help and betrayed. And although my betrayer didn't actually abuse me sexually his betrayal hurts worse than all the things my abusers did.

It's taken me over 30 years to regain trust in other people, and I started with a therapist.

If you are unable to access a therapist then maybe a trusted friend could give you some much needed support. You might be able to do it without actually disclosing 'why' you would like some support.

Failing that, keep coming here.
There's a lot of help and unconditional support here, and we don't keep it all to ourselves.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#48096 - 07/01/03 02:51 PM Re: Elo guys
titan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 11
Loc: singapore
Thanks once again for the support and advise you guys have shown. I know its hard handling things alone, but its the little bit of control I feel i have left over my life where this....thing is concern. Sure I may not be taking the right and healthy steps to work things out ( like not sleeping for 4 days so I won't get nightmares and stuff) but at least I have some form of control over it, or do I??

Just that sometimes it gets rather overwhelming and I feel the need to vent and breakdown to someone, but thats no one I can or will trust anymore. Which is why I'm grateful to have found this place, the worse is someone stabbing me with words, and that I can endure, though I have no need to thus far because all of you have said nothing but kind words.

But sometimes I really wonder is there a point, to try to work things out. I mean what can i work out from this?? It's happened, nothing;s ever gonna change that. Will I ever feel different? Questions has been popping in my head the past 4 days while I force myself to stay awake. Sure that works 80++ hours of no sleep ensured that I have no nightmares, but those darn questions will not leave me alone. What if I brought on what has happen, like maybe I deserve it or something? My pastor definitely blame me for what he did to me, saying that I ought to have set and enforce my boudaries, yet he did it more than once.... all the while telling me that things will get better. They never did. Maybe I din't deserve to get better.

Fell asleep finally aftter 4 long days. Had so much coffee that i puke, when i felt i couldn't take it, I hit the gym, went swimming to force myself to stay awake a little bit more. I don't remember what happen after I reach home, just that I woke up on my couch, covered in cold sweat. What I could stop when I was awake invaded me in my sleep again. I was so pissed that I slip aftter all those hard work.

A close friend called me out of concern. Said he called me when he bump into me as I was leaving the gym, strange, cause I don't remember it at all, am I going nuts??? Guess I was in my walking zombie mode. Had to make up some stupid excuse and knew he din't bought it. His concern warms me yet pisses me off at the same time. Why? i could not say. Maybe its because I have associated concern with ulterior motives.

Had sleep for a few hours, that should be enough while i keep vigilant again. But knowing I'll fail sooner or later depresses me greatly, but that's the only way I know how to deal with it for the time being. They'll go away, the dreams, they will stop sooner or later, don't they? I just wish I could stop those fucking noises and questions as easily.

Bah enough of my nonsense, Thanks for having the patience to read through the mad ramblings of a 25 year old.


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#48097 - 07/01/03 03:32 PM Re: Elo guys
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
But sometimes I really wonder is there a point, to try to work things out. I mean what can i work out from this?? It's happened, nothing;s ever gonna change that. Will I ever feel different?
Titan,

You ask the hard questions that have plagued me, too. I can't change the past. I'm learning, slowly, to accept that what happened, happened.

Is there a point? Well, I suppose the real point is that you are worth it. Keep coming here and you'll hear us tell you over and over that it (the abuse) was never your fault. When you realize that you are not to blame, that means you are still as worthwhile as ever.

That's the point.

Feel different? I'm not offering any guarantees, but I'd bet you will. Here's my experience with feeling different from just today.

I felt hopeless this morning. My wife didn't hug me hard enough when I kissed her as I left for work. Our marriage is ruined, oh, my poor kids will have to endure a divorce. Poor, poor me.

Bullshit. I came here this morning and saw some of the stuff guys were writing, like the stuff they wrote to you. I realized that life after the abuse has never been as bad as I have imagined it was. I still imagine (witness this morning), but I like the sound I think I heard in my wife's cheerful voice on the phone an hour ago.

Go easy on yourself. It takes a long time to come back from such a terrible insult. Nobody does it all at once. We do it day by day, step by step. And with the gang here, we do it together. You noted that these guys write kind words. Yeah, they do, because they have been through the kind of hell that you and I have seen. You may get some tough words from us sometime, but it'll be because one of your brothers thinks you need a kick in the pants. I know I have needed that, and I've gotten it here from time to time.

It's worth it because you are worth it. Part of you recognizes that, and sent you looking for a place like this. So pull up a web browser \:\) and join us for a few conversations. We know you're worth it, and in time I believe you'll see why.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#48098 - 07/01/03 06:53 PM Re: Elo guys
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Titan
as hard as it might seem, get some sleep.

The nightmares are bad I know, but we usually sleep either side of them, and we need sleep to keep our bodies in shape. It's one less thing to worry about.

Come here and vent, share the damned nightmares, tell us your fears. We listen, support and don't pass judgement.
And from the little I know about Singapore I can understand why therapy might not be the easiest option for you. So let us help.

Is there a point ? yes - does it ever go away ? no.
That sounds hard to accept, but it's not the whole story.

The point is we can improve our lives, sometimes dramatically. We can overcome the behaviours such as acting out ( and they can be very different from person to person ) We can control flashbacks and fantasies, maybe not eradicate them, but control them so they are tolerable and don't dominate our lives.
Depression and stress can be dealt with as well.

We can't force ourselves to forget, so it's going to remain with us, but we can be the master of our memories.

It isn't easy, but it's worth every effort.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#48099 - 07/02/03 03:04 AM Re: Elo guys
titan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 11
Loc: singapore
Thanks Lloyld and outis. I know what you guys are saying, heck, I've told myself that so often before. Guess sometimes we need to hear others tell us what we know when we lose sight of certain things.

Its just pisses me off that I've work so hard to put things behind me and that those eforts seem to work, and out of the blue wham! Now every little things bring back those awful memories, fears and shame.....

I know I need to step out of this self-pity stage and move on, I think it pisses me off to realise I'm not as strong or in control as I thought I was.

Lloyd you're right about getting therapy in Singapore. I'm surprised someone here knows something about where I am. Esp in my job, getting found out would probably brings a array of problems that I can not afford to have.


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#48100 - 07/02/03 09:00 PM Re: Elo guys
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
We need sleep or we really do begin to be like a nut.

If there is any decent medical help there they can give you medicine that will give you peaceful sleep. It won't be simple sleep mediciine, but it will let you sleep without those nightmares and you will awake reasonalby refreshed.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#48101 - 07/03/03 09:22 PM Re: Elo guys
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
titan

In one of your earlier posts you said you could not reveal the abuse because of your fear of being found out, alluding to the fact that it would affect your job security.

Then later you describe behavior that would definately draw attention to you and indubitably place you at odds with your work situation. How can you function at work under this kind of stress. Surely, sooner or later this is going to become evident to all those around you, and probably already has..

titan, this is a debilitating, progressive disease. You were led here in a timely manner, it seems. Please write more about your experiences even if you can't talk about them. You simply have to get the shit out! Keep coming here and posting your thought daily. My first week of coming here, I let out a lot that had been held in, and I became pretty toxic and unstable, but eventually, things evened out for me.

Going without sleep, and driving vehicles in this condition is unsafe for you and others.

Please write, read, talk and pray. Leave yourself open to all possibilites. Miracles have happened here. Take advantage of all this site has to offer, and god bless you titan.

Your being here is a great help to me.

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#48102 - 07/03/03 11:07 PM Re: Elo guys
titan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 11
Loc: singapore
San Logos,

thanks for the advice.

I'm not in a conventional 9-5 job. I get busy when assignments come and right now, I'm just glad that my next assignment doesn't start in 3 weeks. I do my best when I'm working like a totally emotionally detached person, i need the job to support myself, pay rental and all since i'm staying alone so I try my best not to do anything to jeopardize it. Oh and I don't drive so I don't think I'm a danger on the roads.

Did manage to get some sleep, however short and disturbed it was, and my body is happy for the rest i think.

No offense but I've long given up on expecting miracles from prayers. Some of the worse things I've experience happen before and right when I was praying...... I remember praying to God, asking him to help me get through what i was going through in one of the many sessions i had with my pastor who was suppose to be helping me, and the next thing i know was feeling him on top of me...It was as if that was my answer to the prayers i made, that i deserve it or I'm not worth any heavenly intervention.

No doubt i hear miracles happening for others, I just don't think I'll wait for mine......


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#48103 - 07/03/03 11:08 PM Re: Elo guys
titan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 11
Loc: singapore
Sorry if I offended anyone with my above post, It's just my personal ramblings.


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#48104 - 07/04/03 12:16 AM Re: Elo guys
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Sorry, titan

Here I talking about miracles .........I went back and re-read your original post, I noticed that a pastor was one of your perps. Sorry to seem insensitive.

I was never sexually abused by "religious" folk, but even though I have worked for "church" for 25 years, I don't associate miracles with religion. Just the opposite, I think the most significant miracles occur as triumphs over impossible odds in every day life.

Anyway, I don't want to minimize this crisis in your life by submitting a pre>
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#48105 - 07/04/03 12:29 AM Re: Elo guys
titan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 11
Loc: singapore
Ron,

No offense, I know you were only trying to help, and I'm grateful for that. Sorry if I sounded harsh and offensive, or that I was slamming religion or anything. I was being insensitive myself.

thanks.


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