Newest Members
justme123, JaySzee, Paz, COLLINS AKINSE, Searching13
12967 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alexei (33), alexey (33), freudslip (73), jonny (50), Sam Rhim (41)
Who's Online
3 registered (1islandboy, 2 invisible), 66 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12967 Members
75 Forums
67221 Topics
469342 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#480704 - 04/13/15 08:45 PM How abuse made me unable to accept I'm bisexual
johelp Offline


Registered: 04/11/15
Posts: 9
I had, as soon as I started to recognize my sexuality, an attraction to both men and women. The fact that I was attracted to both was confusing, and considering my family's view of gays, troubling for me. I was in my early teens molested by a male teacher. I buried my bisexuality because of this.

As I grew and entered my early 20's I could no longer hide that I was bisexual from myself. I was attracted to other men, but I was ashamed of it. I wanted to to have sex with other men, but I couldn't really accept it. My first consensual sex with men was in adult movies theaters. I did this because it was completely impersonal and even though it was sex in a public place, hidden.

I had trouble accepting that I was having sex with men just because I was bisexual and enjoyed it. At times in the adult movie theaters I would be offered money for sex, and I took the money and had sex with other men. I rationalized that I was having sex with men just for the money, not just because I was bisexual. It started for me to be commonplace to have sex for money. I became a prostitute.

After a close encounter with the law, I no longer had sex with men for money. My sexually behavior was just as risky and self destructive.

It was only recently that I confided to a friend who is bisexual that I was also bisexual. I am now on the path to having a normal healthy sex life that includes both men and women.

Top
#480723 - 04/14/15 05:55 AM Re: How abuse made me unable to accept I'm bisexual [Re: johelp]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1104
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi johelp,

Congratulations on having a more normal sex life. I believe that my true nature cannot be forced down forever. Abuse and attitudes can obscure and twist my true nature, but it cannot keep it down. My challenge and opportunity is to discover what is healthy and natural for me. For me, it involves/has involved walking through a lot of darkness and sickness from my abuse.

Sending you love and support as you uncover your true self.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#480725 - 04/14/15 07:28 AM Re: How abuse made me unable to accept I'm bisexual [Re: johelp]
johelp Offline


Registered: 04/11/15
Posts: 9
Thanks Don64

Top
#480754 - 04/14/15 05:43 PM Re: How abuse made me unable to accept I'm bisexual [Re: johelp]
iaccus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/14
Posts: 404
Loc: Idaho
I sympathize with your struggle johelp, I too have a lot of confusion, but over the years have come to understand that I am bi, that realization came after a great deal of struggle. I hope you find your true self and have a happier future than your past!
_________________________
Life is pain, marked only at intervals in which the pain is less severe!
My Story http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8212#Post478212

Top
#480759 - 04/14/15 07:47 PM Re: How abuse made me unable to accept I'm bisexual [Re: johelp]
johelp Offline


Registered: 04/11/15
Posts: 9
Thanks iaacus,

I have had the same struggles. I am confident I have made the first step in finding my true self, and now I can have a happier future.

Top
#480761 - 04/14/15 08:55 PM Re: How abuse made me unable to accept I'm bisexual [Re: johelp]
SmartShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 284
Loc: USA
I read an article once on bisexuality that suggested it is actually more difficult to deal with. More confusing for people and their partners, then it is for folks who trend predominantly hedrosexual or homosexual. I find this to be so true for me. I haven chosen not to act on most of my sexual needs and desiors in order to be faithfu to only one. But sexualy speaking, it has been a difiacult life for me. I have lost good friendships because of this in the past and it has caused so much difficulty in my marriage. I have some times just wished I was gay. I think it would have been easier in some ways. But I am not complaining. I am glad to have the desiors I do. I would not wish them away if I could at this point in my life. They are as much a part of me as my love for nature.
_________________________
Note to self:
Stand up and keep your footing,
You are not alone. This place is full of people who will reach out to help.

Top
#480764 - 04/14/15 10:06 PM Re: How abuse made me unable to accept I'm bisexual [Re: johelp]
johelp Offline


Registered: 04/11/15
Posts: 9
I have read articles and found in my personal life that bisexuals, particularly men, have a hard time. Part of this is because truly bi people, particularly men again, are rare. The other part is bi's are not gay enough too be truly accepted by many in the gay community, while too gay to be accepted by many in the straight community. I have an ex-girlfriend and ex-friend who is bi and has had similar experiences.

Top
#480867 - 04/17/15 05:19 AM Re: How abuse made me unable to accept I'm bisexual [Re: johelp]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 436
Loc: west coast
Some really great in sites. There is no question that the CSA represses your expression of your sexuality. I can appreciate how tough that is to desire both, so i think the key is to find a partner who is cool with it. Sadly for many of us , it takes a long time, often after we are with woman in a monogamous relationship that we realize that this desire for the same sex will not diminish as we hoped but in fact gets stronger. I am grateful i am gay but that makes finding a relationship so much harder. iTs way more complicated.
When i was first dating my partner, we went to a fetish party. Trigger warning. And a woman came up to me and asked if her bf could give my bf a bj. I thought the idea sounded pretty hot and i was impressed by how open and cool she was with that whole concept. Sadly my partner was a little freaked out although he later admitted he thought the guy was pretty hot. We are no longer together, he has his own issues,lol.

You are so right johelp, my sexual exploration and self acceptance was stunted for so many years. I am glad to hear you have made progress for healthier choices. Keep looking, you will find that fit. I know it won't be easy , but the alternative is just not an option. Big hugs.
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

Top
#480881 - 04/17/15 11:39 AM Re: How abuse made me unable to accept I'm bisexual [Re: johelp]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1104
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I am so glad to see this discussion. I have self-identified as gay for 46 years, and recently, after moving out some more old suppressed energy, have wondered if it is just as likely that I may have turned out straight or bi as gay had I not been abused by both parents. I still feel gay, but I am aware I still have so very much sickness inside myself.

Triggers!!!

My mother sadistically abused me sexually and physically from infancy through early childhood. She had two younger children to work with by then. So, the thought of my face getting any where near a woman's privates sickened me and terrified me. My father orally (and anally) abused me, came in my throat and it went some into my lungs, I thought I was going to die because I couldn't breathe, he began beating me and yelling at me that I was bad. I spent my life involuntarily gagging anytime I smelled semen. I didn't begin putting this together until after the age of 53 when I began to remember my father's abuse. I didn't begin to put together my mothers stuff until the past 2 1/2 years. So, I've been severely hampered all the way around with an unnatural revulsion to both genders and a compulsion with men.

I am clearing on this. I have done a lot of clearing, but feel there is still a long way to go. Thanks, guys, for the discussion. It helps me feel more normal in an abnormal situation, and makes me feel so much more hopeful that I can heal as I realize there are many of us who are damaged. That may sound weird, but until I joined MS @ 1 1/2 years ago I just thought I might be crazy and had not yet felt any optimism about a normal sexual response, and the hopes of healing my damage.

Love and support to us all,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#480960 - 04/18/15 10:19 PM Re: How abuse made me unable to accept I'm bisexual [Re: johelp]
SmartShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 284
Loc: USA
.


Edited by SmartShadow (04/22/15 09:40 AM)
_________________________
Note to self:
Stand up and keep your footing,
You are not alone. This place is full of people who will reach out to help.

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.