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#480421 - 04/07/15 04:13 PM Winhamness introduction - massive vent
Winhamness Offline


Registered: 04/07/15
Posts: 19
Hi,

I was abused by a female babysitter when I was 4 or 5 years old.

I first acknowledged that this happened and affected me 3 years ago. I told my wife and personal therapist and marriage counselor.

Our marriage improved drastically afterword, for about 6 months.

Then I feel back into old habits of walling myself off from my wife, not communicating, believing I was alone and hopeless and damaged and scared, and responding like a hurt little boy.

This went on for far too long, and last week my wife told me she was going to file for divorce. Continuing my pattern of turning away from her and walling off, I filed first.

After handing over the papers, I started...well sort of losing it. In an effort to calm myself, I started reading some of the self help books I leaned on in the past, in particular one about forgiveness. It was a section about "Acceptance" which this author calls forgiving someone who refuses to earn it.

Some of the process involves looking at the ways the person who hurt you was simply responding to their own situation and personal struggles. As I read, I slowly began to realize how my own inner pain, which I never truly shared, was driving me to be a husband that I did not want to be.

I spent the weekend reading Cec Murphey's work, and other things on Survivors and recover. I started to turn towards my wife, telling her about how I really feel, how unhappy I am, and how my own faults hurt our marriage. I ended up in the hospital due to hyperventilating after sharing my fear of abandonment with her. I've convulsed on the floor feeling pain, and she stayed with me. I've told her many deep feelings I have that I've never shared before.

She has listened, and not shunned me, and accepted what I am saying as real.

She still wants to divorce. She has nothing left. She's just done.

This is such a bizarre situation. My family is breaking apart. My wife told me she wants a divorce and I've opened up to her in ways I should have done before. I'm having alllll these emotions that come pouring out, and I share them, and it feels wonderful, and I think I may feel closer to her now then ever did, and it feels amazing, and right now she's being there for me the way no one ever has, and the way I thought no one ever could be.

And she still wants to divorce.

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#480422 - 04/07/15 04:15 PM Re: Winhamness introduction - massive vent [Re: Winhamness]
Winhamness Offline


Registered: 04/07/15
Posts: 19
And it hurts.

I thought I should add, I have seen my therapist, and have another appointment tomorrow, and I found another local therapist from the MS directory that specializes in male sexual abuse. I'm trying to set up an appointment there.

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#480425 - 04/07/15 04:43 PM Re: Winhamness introduction - massive vent [Re: Winhamness]
iaccus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/14
Posts: 124
Loc: Idaho
I am sorry for your pain Winhamness, I hope things begin to look up for you soon, you are not alone.
_________________________
Life is pain, marked only at intervals in which the pain is less severe!
My Story http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8212#Post478212

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#480449 - 04/08/15 07:04 AM Re: Winhamness introduction - massive vent [Re: Winhamness]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 490
Loc: Southeast US
Hi Winhamness, welcome

It's so sad to read your story, but I'm glad you were able to tell it here. You have an audience who understands some of what you're going through. We will be compassionate, understanding, and caring in a non-judgemental way.

You've made all the wise decisions: join MS, seek professional help and disclose to your wife. I'm sorry the results haven't been as you hoped. But keep in mind that "All Things Are Possible" and a divorce isn't a divorce until the final decree.

Keep hope alive and hang in there. You're not alone.
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#480451 - 04/08/15 07:48 AM Re: Winhamness introduction - massive vent [Re: Winhamness]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 2030
Winhamness

I am sorry you are going through so much, acknowledging the abuse and your personal situation. You need to focus on understanding and accepting the abuse. The abuse impacts how you feel about yourself, how you treat yourself and this runs over to the people around you.

I am glad you are getting professional help. Try to stay focused on healing. Keep well and remember we are here for you, we understand your pain.

Kevin

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#480465 - 04/08/15 05:27 PM Re: Winhamness introduction - massive vent [Re: Winhamness]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 554
Loc: Ohio
Hi Winhamness,

I am so sorry for what you are going through and wish there was something I could do to help other than to say that I am with you and understand, at least in part, what you are going through. You will not be alone here on MS, which is a great place to start, as is your working with a therapist specializing in male survivors of sexual abuse. You have made some good decisions; I hope the best for you.
_________________________
Suisse et libre

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#480504 - 04/09/15 02:20 PM Re: Winhamness introduction - massive vent [Re: Winhamness]
Winhamness Offline


Registered: 04/07/15
Posts: 19
Thank you for the replies.

It is amazing how good it can feel to know others have been through this.

I definitely feel very alone at times right now. I've always closed myself off in the face of this sort of thing, and I am really trying to open myself up this time. I'm trying to remember that people do care about me, such as my mom, and am trying to be around them.

I really just feel so full of despair at this moment. It's really tough.

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#480543 - 04/10/15 10:43 AM Re: Winhamness introduction - massive vent [Re: Winhamness]
Winhamness Offline


Registered: 04/07/15
Posts: 19
As I was writing that yesterday, my mom was pulling up in my driveway. I felt so much better as soon as she got there.

One of my very major disfunctions, which I believe is a direct result, or at least heavily influenced by, the abuse, is the constant turning away from people and isolating myself.

I feel like people don't care about me, like I'm not good enough for their help, that I will be an inconvenience to them and they will resent me for it.

I'm trying really hard to turn towards people instead of turning into myself.

It has been surprisingly easy and has made me feel a lot better. Everyone has been supportive and has not rejected me or told me I am inadequate.

While the massive emotions from a few days ago have subsided, I ABSOLUTELY MUST CONTINUE THIS BEHAVIOR. My fear is that now that the massive survivor related pain has subsided, I may fall into old habits.

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#480549 - 04/10/15 03:24 PM Re: Winhamness introduction - massive vent [Re: Winhamness]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 554
Loc: Ohio
One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time or even one minute at a time.
_________________________
Suisse et libre

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#480573 - 04/11/15 09:28 AM Re: Winhamness introduction - massive vent [Re: Winhamness]
Bardo Offline


Registered: 09/24/14
Posts: 285
Maybe some time and space will give you and your wife renewed energy to deal with your issues. Take heart in the progress you have made! The future is being made by you, now. I wish you the very best, and keep posting. We are here for you!
Freeman
_________________________
Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher

And though we were hurt so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

-Mark Knopfler

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