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#479923 - Yesterday at 02:13 PM does the lying ever stop? Really struggling here.
WontGiveUp Online   content


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 36
So my husband and I have actually been doing really good... or so I thought. He has been going to therapy, been acting like all is well, etc. He has struggled a little finding direction since leaving his job (we are getting ready for a big move out of state so his "job" has become preparing the house and packing). But outside of that things seemed ok.

Until today when I caught him smoking again.

So we have a long history of him smoking and trying all sorts of things to help him quit (always on his own terms and choice). He quit for 2 years, and then literally with in 24 hours of moving back with his friends he started again. Then when he came back I said that I was not ok with the smoking as it smells, costs more than we can afford, and generally annoys me after the money and emotion spent in him quitting.

For months now he has talked about how great he feels that he isnt smoking again. For months he has let me say how proud I am of him TO him and to others. For months he has pretended to only be smoking a pipe (which I am ok with). For months he has lied right to my face YET again.

Right now I am having a hard time keeping my anger in check. We said we would not walk away just because someone gets mad - but this is more. Now I have zero trust in him whatsoever. And I have no idea what to do.

On top of that, when I told him to show me his hiding spots, he did, but CONTINUED to hide more (I went and checked myself) so he lied ON TOP of lying.

After everything, after all he has put me through, after me being faithful to ever promise and supporing him through everything - and he LIES to my face, with no problems being totally believable.

I dont know what to do. Any input would be welcome. While I dont want to throw away my marriage that I have worked so hard to keep and not give up on, this is a serious blow. Its not so much the smoking, I can get that quitting is hard (I did it too). Its the lying... right to my face. He cannot seem to tell the truth.

Please help....

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#479948 - Yesterday at 10:38 PM Re: does the lying ever stop? Really struggling here. [Re: WontGiveUp]
Mishka95673 Offline


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 128
WGU, I feel for you. I know that sense of betrayal, that feeling that you are working so hard to make things work and he isn't. First, it is great that he decided to move with you, away from the people who support his addiction.

You know last weekend I had a similar experience and what I did was vomit the emotions...get them out of the way...so they wouldn't influence my decision about consequences for his lying. Once the emotions were gone, I could think clearly and I reminded myself of a couple of things.

1. So many trauma survivors don't like to feel controlled...they have to feel like something is their idea, their choice. If not, they often will act in a contrary fashion just to assert their independent will.

2. People who live in fear (like so many of our trauma survivors) develop habitual lying practices as coping strategies and those behaviors are hard to break. In no way am I saying tolerate it...don't. What I am saying is that it's hard habit to break, and sometimes these guys get really scared of "getting in trouble" with us supporters and fall back on lying to avoid creating an issue. Living in fear, they can't see all the possibilities, just like students with test anxiety can't see the answers in front of them.

Years ago before I divorced my husband, I was complaining to a friend of mine about my lying husband and he pointed out to me that I am making a bigger deal of my husband's lying than necessary, that I actually did know the truth every time - the truth was simply the opposite of whatever my husband said. The friend of mine was a physician with extensive training in psychiatry, by the way. I chose not to remain in my marriage simply because of the chronic lying about bull crap...I divorced him after 22 years and started again thousandsd of miles away with no local supporters, no money, and only 3 changes of clothes. Things are much different now...

You asked for advice so here it is. Don't make a decision until you purge your emotions. Don't purge in front of him too much...it may hurt his self esteem. But definitely do tell him it's a big deal and you need time to process and that at this time, you don't know what your response to the betrayal of trust will be. And when you are both ready, if he truly feels remorse for the lying, the two of you can borrow from a chapter on disciplining children - consequences are always more of a deterrent when both the child and the parent have agreed on them ahead of time. In my case, my man hates public displays...hates them! He agreed that if he does it again, he has to apologize to me publicly on Facebook. He would hate that.

Dump the emotions first. Then decide whether to dump him. If you decide to keep him, agree to the deterrents. Smoking isn't in the household budget. Make rules about the smoking, such as you can't use the household budget for smoking...you need your own source of money. Smoking must take place outside because it stinks. Because it lingers on clothes, when he comes into the house, he has to change his clothes and take over the laundry because the clothes stink. Now it is his choice whether to keep smoking...he is in control. He won't need to lie about smoking either. On the other hand, smoking may not be worth the hassle.

Hope that helps. My guy lied about spending the $50 dollars on a gift card. He also spent $100 he didn't have on video games for his son. When he got in trouble. For lying, he gave up his grocery money to put the money back in the household account. He has no money for groceries and is having to make do with scraps at home; I'm being strong and acting like I don't care, fighting the urge to give him money for food, but that would be co-dependent behavior therefore I let him experience his consequences.

He wants me to trust Him again...he feels the need for me to trust him...but I will only trust him with matters which have no power to cause me damage if my trust is broken. He is working on becoming trustworthy and I am keeping the door open to let him work on becoming trustworthy. Sometimes he is like a cat who brings me a mouse from outside, to show me his accomplishment. Other times he is like the dog with his tail between his legs because he knows he shouldn't have gotten into the trash. I praise him for the mice and don't keep anything harmful in the trash so it is easy to clean up when he screws up

But I have the luxury of space between us. We aren't married and we live thousands of miles a part. Would my approach work in a marriage?

Feel better soon. And PURGE!

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#479976 - Today at 09:48 AM Re: does the lying ever stop? Really struggling here. [Re: WontGiveUp]
WontGiveUp Online   content


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 36
Thanks Mishka... I really appreciate your response. Its so hard... I went and read what happened to you - and WOW I get it. I feel that very rage. You put it very well LOL.... All that goes through my head right now is "HE IS A F@#&^%^KING LIAR". Everything he has said to me is suspect.

He is acting remorseful... how much is an act, now much is for real - and how much of the for real is remorse for lying and hurting me and our marriage or for just getting caught. Everything about him is fake to me right now.

We already HAD the smoking talk. The whole time he was smoking behind my back he was having me buy him very expensive vaping stuff, and he had to have the NICE ones, so lots of money spent there. He was letting me go on about how proud I was of him. He even smelled like smoke every day, and I was asking him about it and he said it was "nasty smokers" from work. There are cigarette butts all over the lawn - and he said some "nasty smoker" probably dumped their ashtray. They are dangerous to our dogs who get into everything on the ground, and they are EVERYWHERE. They repulse home buyers because no one wants to buy a house from a smoker.

So on top of the total betrayal of my trust and total lack of respect for me, he is putting both our dogs and the house sale on risk.

There are moments when I wonder if any of this is even WORTH it. I thought it was when I was going on the assumption we were both being honest and upfront about everything.

Lying has been a constant problem with him. And not just the little annoying stupid bull either. I thought we were past this behavior, but I guess I was wrong.

As for your methods working in our marriage... I have no idea. Right now, I will fully protect myself from inadvertently spending money supporting his lies. I am cutting him off from my accounts. I will have his card to our bank account, and when he needs to get something - he will have to bring me the reciept. That way I can track all money spent from our account. he has his own account from when he was working. if he wants to sneak around and do shit that is disrespectful or full of lies he can do it on his own dime. And should he lie to me again - thats ALL he will walk away with.

When we were being "honest" with eachtoher and if he just didnt think we could work things out because of genuine issues - I would have made sure he was set up to succeed on his own. If we break up because he cant freaking tell the truth - well he is on his own.

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#479982 - Today at 01:38 PM Re: does the lying ever stop? Really struggling here. [Re: WontGiveUp]
AlexBoyd Offline


Registered: 02/23/14
Posts: 16
Loc: Louisiana
I'm going to be blunt, and you are not going to like what I have to say. He is lying because you are a control freak.

The first red flag was when you stated that his previous attempts to quit smoking had always been on his terms and his choice. Why point that out? It's clearly not the policy this time.

And then you move into your plan to control him financially, make him beg for money, bring home receipts, threats..all classic acts of control freaks.

If you don't think you are contributing to his lies, then you are fooling yourself.

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#479984 - 38 minutes 54 seconds ago Re: does the lying ever stop? Really struggling here. [Re: WontGiveUp]
WontGiveUp Online   content


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 36
Hi AlexBoyd, I appreciate your reply.

I pointed out the quitting smoking on "his terms" was because I waited for HIM decide if he wanted to quit, I waited HIM decide when he wanted to quit, and I supported his efforts to do so. My problem isnt the smoking - its the lying. Period.

LOL my plan to control him was him asking me if he could quit his job to prep the house and the move. Again - HIS choice and HIS idea. I supported him because he felt he could contribute to the home more.

He can do what ever he wants with his money - or his life. But that doesnt mean I have to pay the consiquences or that it has to be on my dime. The agreement for him moving back into our family home was total transparency, total and complete honesty. And that is not what he did. He had to sneak off, buy the cigarettes, hide the evidence from me, hide when he was smoking etc. Had he told me he was still smoking - that would have been one thing. But he didnt. He went on and on about how he quit and how nasty smokers were, and how much he hated the smells etc.

But yeah - I am a control freak. One who has essentially been a "control freak doormat" for the 6 years we have been together. I dont police him (his lies have ways of exposing themselves all on their own as lies so often do)- I dont WANT to and I am furious that I have to take these steps to protect myself.

Perhaps you should read more of my posts before coming to the conclusion that I am a control freak? Or do you think that protecting yourself financially and emotionally from someone who is willing to lie and steal from your with a smile on his/her face and love in their eyes is ok?

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