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#47910 - 06/30/03 12:41 AM Just learning to heal
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Hello everyone.

I am new here and I am glad I have found this place. Hopefully you will be able to help me learn to heal and I will be able to help someone along my way.

I am 38 and was molested by two different guys while I was a child. This has deeply affected my life and I have just recently noticed how much.

I have a very distant relationship with my father. He is an alcoholic and was never around. I have very few memories of him growing up. My mother is a wonderful woman, who is under a lot of stress and anxiety, who has worked hard for her children. She worked three jobs to support us in the absence of our father, and the whole family joined in.

At age 10, I began working to help support the family, as we all did. The guy I worked for molested me throughout the summer I worked for him.

At age 13, I worked at a pet store. The husband of the owner befriended me. He was something I needed, a father figure. He lived on the next block and his mother lived three houses down. He molested me for years.

I first had sex with a girl when I was 15. It made me feel dirty and guilty, like I did to her what he was doing to me. I didnít have sex, outside of being molested, for 12 years after that. When I did, I still felt like I was hurting them emotionally, as I was. This has left me withdrawn and timid when it comes to sex. I turned to pornography and excessive masturbation to satisfy my sexual urges, something that continues through this day.

I have never been unfaithful to a girlfriend/wife and they in turn have never been faithful with me. I have been married twice and am about to be divorced for the second time. My first wife was physically abusive toward me, I just sat there and took it until I couldnít any longer, and I divorced her. My second wife took my timidness and withdrawal to mean that I didnít love her. I began seeing a psychiatrist and therapist about nine months ago, because I had feelings of depression and that I felt my wife was having an affair that she denied. Those were the first persons I told of the molestations. I then told my wife, since then she has used this against me and has left me for the guy she was seeing and has used it to keep me from my son. This all led to a suicide attempt last November, all related to my molestations. My wife using my molestations against me makes it hard to tell anybody again, thatís why Iím glad I found this place.

I feel (actually know) that I need to find a new therapist. When I try to talk about the molestations and how they are affecting me, he just says that it wasnít my fault and changes the subject. He wants to work on my dealing with the separation from my wife. The molestation is a deep-rooted cause of the separation and is where I need the help. This is where you guys come in, can you provide me with any help/insight/ideas etc. to help me along my path to healing?

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#47911 - 06/30/03 01:07 AM Re: Just learning to heal
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Bill,

I am so glad you found this place, because it gives me a great deal of joy to follow and support the recovery of fellow survivors. It is terrible that life has been so cruel to you as to cause you to have to be here, but now you have a place to set and rest each day. You are not alone.

I hope that you take advantage of the full scope of support that this website has to offer. The guys here are the best fathers, brothers, uncles friends and strangers that any guy could hope for.

Please be kind to yourself as your healing continues, and don't hesitate to share all of your story as you feel able. We are here for each other.

Peace,

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#47912 - 06/30/03 01:33 AM Re: Just learning to heal
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Bill,
I'm sorry that those perps took advantage of you like that. It makes me sick. It sounds like you already have a lot of insight into your self. Whatever you decide about your therapist, it sounds like you can trust your instincts. As Ron said, post here as much as you need to . We are here for you, brother.

--Ken


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#47913 - 06/30/03 02:24 AM Re: Just learning to heal
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Hi Bill! Sorry about your abuse from those perps! It really hurts when you're trying to help out the family financially and those #%$%@ guys take advantage! Glad you are here!! This is a place we can share about our past, our feelings and sometimes out and out VENT!!! I encourage you to join in whenever possible!Remember you are not alone...we're all here for the same thing (healing) because of the same thing (sexual abuse - and other stuff to!).

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#47914 - 06/30/03 03:03 AM Re: Just learning to heal
muffin Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 20
Loc: Washinton
Hey Bill,

I honestly sympathize. It's really lonely facing this. I just found this board; it's been a long time since I've talked about this with anyone; it's very hard to do. I was molested by my mother for three years, beginning when I was 13. it was awful, and I found that telling people was very difficult. I took on the problem head-on when I was 16, and was kicked out of the house for doing that. I've survived pretty well, but the pain never goes away; and it's really hard to trust people. My life is in good shape, objectively, but it all hurts. I know what you mean about the therapy thing too. it really sucks, but so many of the therapists out there are just really bad. My last therapist wanted to try to get me to criticize my wife all the time, even when I told her, upfront, that my wife only irritates me in the way that anyone who you live with would and that I don't want to criticize her. I finally had to stop that therapy. I don't know if this helps, but it's important to know that you're not alone. I'll still remember when I met a girl at the high school I was able to enrol in on my own, after being homeless. She and I really got along, and finally I just broke down and told her everything I've been through. She didn't hang out with me, really, after that. It's very hard.


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#47915 - 06/30/03 03:18 AM Re: Just learning to heal
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hello, Bill,

Welcome aboard our ship of recovery!

This is a great place to be if you're suffering from the effects of sexual abuse and you happen to be a guy.

Whatever your problems, there are some of us here who have had them too. We don't really try to 'fix' things that much here--most of us have had a bellyful of that.

We do offer each other a listening ear and an understanding heart. We know what it is like as we have all been there.

I read your first post and am very glad that I get a chance to welcome you here. Like Ron said, part of the healing of this place is getting to watch our fellow survivors recover and begin to grow and thrive.

I would also recommend that you do some reading in the articles (under professionals) on the home page of this site. Lots of really good basic info about this woefully underserved area of human suffering--the agonizing dilemna of the male survivor of sexual abuse.

That's all that we are about here; overcoming the damage caused by sexual abuse. Nothing to sell, no salesmen will call!

Feel free to use the private message function and get in touch with me or others. I find sometimes that I feel safer that way.

There is a lot of strength and hope here.

Welcome, brother.

Your fellow survivor,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#47916 - 06/30/03 04:21 AM Re: Just learning to heal
godsrabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 98
welcome bill...

i hope you find this a safe and comfortable place to talk...there is support here...

look forward to getting to know you...

~ rabbit


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#47917 - 06/30/03 09:49 AM Re: Just learning to heal
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
I am new here and I am glad I have found this place. Hopefully you will be able to help me learn to heal and I will be able to help someone along my way.
Bill, that's what we do here. We help each other to each find our own way in recovery, and help each other along the way.

Quote:
I feel (actually know) that I need to find a new therapist. When I try to talk about the molestations and how they are affecting me, he just says that it wasn't my fault and changes the subject. He wants to work on my dealing with the separation from my wife. The molestation is a deep-rooted cause of the separation and is where I need the help.
Bill, have you tried to tell your therapist (T) that you believe the molestation is the cause of the separation and that you want to focus therapeutic attention there? If not, try it, spell it out for him.

If you have tried & he's not listening, another T may be "just what the doctor ordered." Part of empowering ourselves and regaining some control in our lives is in working our own recovery and finding those who will work with us. No matter how many degrees someone has, no matter how much you can sometimes fool yourself, no one know you better than you!

Your T may fear or feel unqualified to deal with your sexual abuse (SA) issues. If so, find one who can help you deal with them. My T is not a specialist in dealing with SA, but he does a far more than adequate "job" at it--which does help me with my marriage, too!

Bill, SA is a horrible tragedy and the way many make so light of it when it comes to males is a horrendous travesty. You have been sexually abused
so I am too am glad you have found this place, this brotherhood of male survivors.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#47918 - 06/30/03 11:00 AM Re: Just learning to heal
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Bill

Quote:
I am new here and I am glad I have found this place. Hopefully you will be able to help me learn to heal and I will be able to help someone along my way.
That sure rings a bell with me. Your brothers above have offered a lot of welcoming advice and I have nothing to add to it. I mean when the best is before you what else is there.

Quote:
I feel (actually know) that I need to find a new therapist. When I try to talk about the molestations and how they are affecting me, he just says that it wasnít my fault and changes the subject. He wants to work on my dealing with the separation from my wife. The molestation is a deep-rooted cause of the separation and is where I need the help.
Bill it is your issue and he better damned well help you through that. I mean who is in charge. Sorry for calling that way.

You will find support and affection here like a bunch of caring brothers. We come from all over and every section of society.

Welcome abord. The trail is tough but it feels good to hike it

An old Grey Wolf

AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#47919 - 06/30/03 01:16 PM Re: Just learning to heal
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
I am pretty new here as well and just wanted to tell you how great a place it is. It has done me so much good to see that so many other men struggle with the same issues that I have been alone with for so long. I too am 38 and married. My marrige is not the best although divorce is not in the mix. I was also molested by two men, but they were relatives.

All I can say right now is you are not alone and I hope that helps.

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

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