Last night I think I had a pretty good dream.
I dreamt that the adult Eric went back in time and became the small molested little boy.
I was playing with some other boys and I felt so relaxed and good about myself. I went up to my father and confronted him with:
If you hadn't abused me, don't you think I would have turned out to be just like any other regular guy?
He answered: No!
I was disappointed and ran out into the field to hide from the world and him. Eventually he found me and I was so scared. However something in me urged me to ask him again: Are you sure I wouldn't have had the feelings of any other regular boy? Be like them?
This time he was more serious and I think that for once I got an honest reply: Yes, I am sure you would, only I was scared to let you grow up to be one, so I abused you. I couldn't allow it.
As always in my dreams my mom was in the background of all events, the way she was. Not seeing, not hearing, not sensing anything wrong even though it went on under her nose on a daily basis.
I think I got a good answer. He was too scared. He couldn't handle the fact that his first born was a male. He wasn't man enough himself.
Today was my first day at work after 10 weeks off. This day has been bad. Anxiety hour after hour. It can't get worse, tomorrow might turn out to be the same, but it won't get worse I know that from experience.
Change of subject:
I had a new sensation today sitting on the metro. I was sitting together with a bunch of teen guys and for a few seconds I thought that I was part of their gang and the guy who seemed to be most sure of himself became my protection. I saw a man walking towards us and I thought that he doesn't belong to our gang, he is not a member.
So the teen Eric misses that feeling. I was never in any gang, never felt that group feeling which is so important to most men I guess?