Newest Members
Stormchaser, johnnyc717, bluebook, Roscoe, SJC
12314 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
iwishicared (41), Scott Oliver (53), TutDaVinci (32)
Who's Online
4 registered (finallyhere, fhorns, Kylie, 1 invisible), 15 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12314 Members
74 Forums
63368 Topics
443104 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#47856 - 06/29/03 11:37 PM What I learned
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Hello, everybody,

I had a real busy week. I started asking for advice on whether/how to tell my 11 year old son about the sexual abuse in my history. I thank each of you again for the concern you showed both of us in your replies.

I did tell him that I had been subjected to the "bad touch" as described in his old Cub Scout pamphlet. I 've written more about that in the "Telling Kids" thread.

Then Blacken posted the news story about Lynn Ernsberger, and the replies from you guys about the damn lies of the perps awoke some kind of anger in me. I wrote to the paper, and eventually gave them my full name and town, with permission to publish any and all of what I had written. (For whatever reason, it looks like they haven't published it. If it shows up in the print version of the newspaper, and one of you sees it, please PM me.)

My fear that my parents would learn about the abuse which I had never disclosed to them via the letter was grossly exaggerated. Consider, they were on vacation in the Pocono Mountains of PA. The newspaper serves the Cleveland metropolitan area, which must be 300 miles from the Poconos. My parents don't usually read editorials in their own local papers, so I was making much more out of this than it really represented.

Why? Why the fear? I'm not a perp. Why should I be afraid that people might find out something bad happened to me? Would I be afraid if I had lived through an earthquake? Would I be ashamed of surviving a gun shot wound?

The sexual abuse is not who I am. It is one of the things that happened to me during my life. Many other things, some good (meeting my wife, becoming a father), some bad (more car wrecks than I care to count, life threatening episodes on the seamier side of numbing behaviors). But I am not made of those things.

I learned that I have been chained by fear, irrational fear. I learned that the world will not fall apart if people find out what happened to me. I've been real busy this week, and maybe I am going too fast. I still don't feel the boy's pain. I still haven't cried for him. I got angry at Ernsberger, and your perps, when I read the replies to Blacken's post of the news story. So I still need work, but dammit, I will not live my life in fear!

You have all been fantastic, absolutely beautiful people to me this week. And I know why. Without a doubt, it is because each of you is a beautiful person, a wonderful human being who endured terrible injury, but a wonderful human being nonetheless. Thank you for your support. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being who you are. Never believe that you are anything but the best that God has made.

Your brother,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#47857 - 06/29/03 11:50 PM Re: What I learned
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Congratulations on the marvelous breakthrough with your parents!

That is really incredible. Takes a lot of courage to face and disarm that fear.

Thanks for all that you share here, Joe.

You're not going too fast--just the world is still so slow! ;\)

Is that coffee of yours regular or unleaded? \:D

Keep up the great work, buddy. You are giving me

a lot hope.

Your kind words of encouragemnt help when it

seems like nothing else does.

Thanks, brother. I'm so glad that I get to be a

a part of your spiritual family of survivors.

With much admiration and appreciation,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

Top
#47858 - 06/30/03 09:21 AM Re: What I learned
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Why? Why the fear? I'm not a perp. Why should I be afraid that people might find out something bad happened to me? Would I be afraid if I had lived through an earthquake? Would I be ashamed of surviving a gun shot wound?
Why indeed, my brother! We don't ask for knife wounds or hurricanes (both of which I've suffered damage from), nor do we have much power over them;
so they are nothing to be ashamed of. How much more so with abuse where the power, and thus the shame, lies with those who abused us?

Quote:
The sexual abuse is not who I am. It is one of the things that happened to me during my life. Many other things, some good (meeting my wife, becoming a father), some bad (more car wrecks than I care to count, life threatening episodes on the seamier side of numbing behaviors). But I am not made of those things.
Dang, Joe, you sound like me on all counts here! Anyway right on! The SA is not who we are, it is not any part of the substance of our beings. It affects us yes, but it is not us.

The way this latest auto accident is doing me in, especially with the abuse flashbacks it brought out, I need to hear that I am not made of wrecks becuz sometimes I sure feel like one! Thank you! \:\)

Quote:
I still don't feel the boy's pain. I still haven't cried for him. I got angry at Ernsberger, and your perps, when I read the replies to Blacken's post of the news story. So I still need work, but dammit, I will not live my life in fear!
Yes, Joe, it hurts to feel that pain (duh!)
http://www.nonstick.com/sounds/daffy_duck/ltdd_182.wav http://tultw.com/pics/daffy1170.JPG yet it is also very cathartic & therapeutic to do so. Be sure to have support around you & use your T. And don't rush or force it. But probably that little boy needs someone to cry for him--especially you!
You are hurting for others and that's important. Hurt for yourself too my friend...

Joe thank you brother for being an inspiration, for being here, for being...

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

Top
#47859 - 06/30/03 11:11 AM Re: What I learned
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Joe:

Quote:
Why? Why the fear? I'm not a perp. Why should I be afraid that people might find out something bad happened to me? Would I be afraid if I had lived through an earthquake? Would I be ashamed of surviving a gun shot wound?
Think back my brother. Is the fear a conditioning reflex implanted by those sickos so long ago. EG "Hey I am only giving you what you want". "You are nothing but a dirty little whore and if anyone finds out about you Well!!" or how about "You tell anyone about this and you are dead meat". Or finally if you sought help "Hey it was probably your fault anyuway". Joe I had all of the above used. No wonder I was living in terror. Plus every damned joke I had to smile at over the years. It was done so tha we would keep their dirty little secret and by so doing it became our dirty little secret.

Just and thought Joe.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.