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#478240 - 03/03/15 12:18 AM Pain
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 266
Loc: us
I'm going to therapy and al anon. I've started working towards and accomplishing some major goals. I've started a small skincare company which is a dream I've always been too scared to tackle...until now. I've lost 20 lbs. I'm really focusing on myself and my recovery. I no longer feeling like a victim. Yay right?

I'm also lonely. Soooo damn lonely. I want someone to come home to at the end of the day. Someone to take an interest in me and my life, to talk to and go to dinner with. I want a family somewhere I feel wanted and belong. I want to do boring couple things like pick out tile and talk about how to pay down bills. I want to watch movies together or take a weekend and go camping.
Oh and I just want someone to touch me. I want this so badly that I'm considering paying for weekly massages that I can't really afford just so someone will touch me. I want to be hugged and kissed and loved. I want someone to share my life with.
I don't even care if I sound pathetic. This is my reality right now. It's strange because I'm not really a snuggling type of woman but I find myself just craving it. I take care of my cousins girls when she works and I've grown to love them like my own children. I so look forward to when they want to snuggle up with me and read or talk about their little toddler lives because for a moment I get to touch another human and love them and feel loved. Those little people are my saving grace some days.
I've been working out hard at the gym for over a year now. It's very bittersweet for me when the people at the gym come up to me and comment on how different I look but my own H says nothing except. "Well I guess you are smaller."
Things were great for awhile and I got absorbed in it. He is on medication and going to therapy. We were talking and going on dates, having "normal" arguments and then resolving the conflict. We laughed and talked and it felt happy and stable for a couple months.
Then he quit going to therapy and has backslide into a cold shut down %$#@!#%^!!!!!
Talking to him about it is fruitless at best.
My struggle is to keep going despite his decision to stop. To choose myself and my sanity despite his choices. It sounds easy to say it but putting it to practice is a struggle.
I never before understood how people have affairs. Now I do, I get it. I still thinks it is wrong and would never do it, but now I can wrap my head around it. What I would give to have a man treat me like he wants me even for just a night. I wish that man would be my husband but in the mean time I guess I just have to have a romance with myself.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#478250 - 03/03/15 06:21 AM Re: Pain [Re: HD001]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 419
Originally Posted By: HD001
To choose myself and my sanity despite his choices.


I am so sorry you are hurting. You are doing the right thing. I'm inspired by you. You chose YOU!It's a wise choice. Your health, your dreams, yourself. I hope you find the money for the massage (sofa cushions? Car trays?) because I don't want anything to derail your progress. You worked long and hard to get yourself here. (Maybe you go once or twice a month for the massage instead of weekly?).

It's not you. It's not personal. It feels personal but it isn't. Every keystroke to type that is a reminder to myself as well. Take the toddler snugglies, get the massage, and when hubby will let you, touch him too, in ways that are acceptable to him. Keep up the great work.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#478263 - 03/03/15 12:04 PM Re: Pain [Re: HD001]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 355
HD,

You're brave. You're gutsy. And you're knocking down the hurdles to your recovery and your future. He has a choice, too. That's life. I'm sorry that he's not choosing to go forward, but you're doing the right thing. Stay strong. I know you can do it. And I know happiness awaits you. I just know it.

Keep healing. Don't let the future overwhelm you. It'll take care of itself. Just take one day at a time.

Bob

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#478288 - 03/03/15 10:41 PM Re: Pain [Re: HD001]
WontGiveUp Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 32
HD, i I am happy to see you post here. I think about you all the time because reading about your story and your experiences hit home to me so much. You have been an inspiration to me even though you don't even know me. I too am focusing on myself and taking care of myself and though things seem to be going very well with my husband, I know that at any point he can stop and give up. But now I am gaining strength so that even if he does stop I don't have to. I can continue to take care of myself, I can continue to grow.

Loneliness is my constant companion. Ironic isn't it? I get the loneliness exactly like you say. I've never been touchy-feely either, but I find myself wishing for The romance I used to scoff at. It even makes me mad at myself when I do because it's so unlike what I ever was before. It makes me think that I'd be coming weak or something even though I know that's not the case.

I know it's very hard on you right now, I know because I've been there and I'm walking that same path. Just like we can never really understand our survivors experiences since we didn't experience the same type of trauma, others cannot understand the path of loneliness an pain that we choose to follow for the love of that survivor.

I am thinking of you and I hope that things will get better for you. Your strength is growing and eventually you will rise above regardless of what your husband decides to do. Either he will fly with you or he won't. But his choice not to fly can no longer chain you to the ground.

<3
Wgu


Edited by WontGiveUp (03/03/15 10:43 PM)

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#478361 - 03/04/15 04:41 PM Re: Pain [Re: HD001]
Mishka95673 Online   content


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 97
HD, you have needs. Set aside the CSA for a moment, set aside the love for a moment, and ask yourself what your response would be if anyone else was not fulfilling your needs. If it was anyone else, how long would you continue to allow a situation with someone to hurt you? How long would you choose to remain in an unhealthy relationship? How do YOU define a healthy relationship (different for everyone). I know you love him - be sure you love yourself just as much. I'm sure you support his needs - be sure and support your own just as much. There isn't a single person who can provide for everyone's needs...at this time, how much can he provide for yours? You are very lonely and trapping yourself in a situation which is unhealthy for you. It's one thing to be in the situation for short periods of time with someone who is trying to heal and something cometely different to trap yourself in a situation with someone who doesn't want to heal. Think about that...think about yourself...and think about how much you are willing to help someone who doesn't want to help himself. It's a harsh thing to say but if he thought he would lose you because he doesn't convey interest in getting well, one of two things will happen: 1) he will decide to return to therapy or 2) you will be free to live a mentally and emotionally healthy life. Pausing the relationship for now (if necessary for your happiness and health) does not need to be the end of the relationship; who knows what the future will bring

Lots of love and support


Edited by Mishka95673 (03/04/15 05:51 PM)
Edit Reason: left off important last statement

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#478438 - Yesterday at 10:37 PM Re: Pain [Re: HD001]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 391
Loc: NY
HD001:

What you said about touch shows that you have healthy needs.

Thank you,

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#478442 - Today at 12:34 AM Re: Pain [Re: HD001]
Mishka95673 Online   content


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 97
Checking in with you HD...how are you doing?

I understand your basic needs...I have them too. I am lucky in that my boyfriend is still working to help himself and I hope he never stops. I love him very much and am thankful that as each month goes by, he is able to increasingly meet my needs. there is a great book out called the 5 languages of love...it helps people communicate love to one another. Right now he is unable to give you physical touch or words of affirmation...he might be able to express his love through one or more of the other three languages.

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#478484 - Today at 12:21 PM Re: Pain [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 266
Loc: us
Eh I'm not doing great. I feel really weird the last day couple days. I'm not sure what is going on with me. I feel so sick to my stomach all day everyday. Maybe this is what is feels like to slowly stop loving someone. Or maybe my marriage has been over from the beginning and I'm just realizing it now. Or maybe I'm just getting stronger in my love for myself and it's a big adjustment. I'm not really sure but it is not a good feeling. Thanks for the support. Robert I hope that you are right because right now the future scares the crap out of me. I just have to believe that if I keep moving forward and stay committed to myself then things will work out in the end.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#478485 - Today at 12:35 PM Re: Pain [Re: HD001]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 355
Things will work out, HD. And that's not magical thinking. The truth is that change is hard. It doesn't matter if it's good change or bad change. It's hard. It makes sense that you'd be sick with worry. You're leaving the known for the unknown. But you've got to have faith. The path behind you was painful, dysfunctional but weirdly comfortable, because you knew and know the rules, the ruts and the patterns. Ahead is honesty and a fresh perspective, but nobody knows the path, because you're going to adjust as you go to stay true to yourself. If this all sounds cheesy, well, I guess it is. But I'm saying it from experience. I'm on this path, too.

I can promise that it gets easier the further you go. I wouldn't say it ever gets easy. It certainly isn't for me. I'm not perfect. I still make missteps, but I'm doing a pretty good job taking care of myself, my wife and my family, and I'm not going to stop.

HD, I'm pulling for you. Your words have been so helpful at times to me when I needed them, and I want you to know you've got a friend out here in this weird thing we call cyberspace. I don't know where you are. I wouldn't know you if I met you. But I have HUGE respect for you. I consider you a friend. Keep it up. I know you can do it. Take care, and hold onto those moments of peace when you find them.

Bob

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