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#478231 - 03/02/15 08:45 PM insecurities and bullies
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 544
Loc: Canada
Living a life controlled by insecurity ...
fear of rejection and betrayal ...
ever fearful of who will spit in his face
or stab him in the back
is no way to live.
It becomes permanently imprinted on his child's mind,
when that is what it was like for him ...
ever vigilant and protective
against what he knows he can't survive.
As a man ... it doesn't change.
There are always bullies in the workplace that was once his school.
There are always bullies in the neighbourhood where he lives.
There are always bullies in the playgrounds where he looks for friends ...
and always bullies where he thinks he's safe.
He can never stop wondering who among them are on the bully's side
and who are on his.
There were never any on his ... and never a one who stood to defend him.
So he doubts even those he cares about and trusts ...
no matter how certain he is of them.
Big muscles and a will to stand up for himself
and beat down a foe
is no shield at all.
Slurs slip between the gaps of his protection.
They awaken old doubts that reside beneath the armour
and open old wounds once thought to be healed.
It is the man's fault.
He should have vanquished the childish fears of a weak boy ...
but he has never succeeded.
Even if it's only in his own mind ...
he lives still in uncontrolled insecurity
and fear of rejection and betrayal ...
a victim of the victim
who can still be a victim
of a word, an intent,
and the simplest act of a bully.
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#478238 - 03/02/15 10:34 PM Re: insecurities and bullies [Re: Shyshark]
woodenshoes Offline

Registered: 06/04/14
Posts: 118
Loc: North of usa

There are those that care for there fellow man and those that hurt others. The world is a place of many colours. If we were painted with the same brush, we would all be the same. We are not all the same and you have to look beyond the surface as there are good people. You will need to find them as no one needs the shit from the others. Take care of yourself and those you love.


#478268 - 03/03/15 02:45 PM Re: insecurities and bullies [Re: Shyshark]
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 221
Loc: canada
i think that when we are always on guard and expecting the worst, everyone can seem like they are on the attack and bullying. its hard to put down your shield and let go of the insecurity and fear and not be swayed by the words or feelings of others, either real or perceived. it sounds like a constant battle, and i'm sorry you are fighting it.
i try to hear in others words that hurt - their intention, difficult truths about myself, their own 'stuff', my interpretation based on how i see myself and my own fears. it turns a lot of my hurt into introspection and understanding. some people are jerks, sure, but thats their stuff.
i totally related to being a 'victim of the victim'. hurt turns to hurt turns to hurt and in the end we are just on our own playing out everything we were taught. its hard to walk away from that, but i hope we can.
under new management

#478276 - 03/03/15 05:52 PM Re: insecurities and bullies [Re: Shyshark]
lionking Offline

Registered: 01/23/15
Posts: 7
I can relate to the 'victim of the victim', it is exactly the same thing I think since I realized things that I've been through and I totally understand your doubt of others even you're certain of them and I don't blame you because I also do the same. These things are always there and you are right, at the workplace, at the school, even in the places we think we are safe. There is no absolute good, but what is important is that you know that you are not on the bad and that you're in the good. You're a good man, Sharky and I have seen it ever since we met, not just once, but many times. Please be kind to yourself and know that I'll always be here for you.

#478279 - 03/03/15 07:37 PM Re: insecurities and bullies [Re: Shyshark]
sorryson Offline

Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 171
I read this and realized there was a bully around me. The abuser was with me and I was his victim. There were bullies in my family, ones who complained and took my Mama from us and along the way created a bully in my brother. Like all bullies there is a destructive element, consciously or subconsciously. I never felt safe, I thought I was safe at home with Mama and my brother. Only now I realize their powers controlled me. The abuser was the bully in me, as my counselor has said I self abused myself because that is what the bully abuser wanted me to do. The bullies in the family wanted to hurt Dad, deriving pleasure. My doctor calls these people the family serial bullies. It can be subtle or very demonstrative. Each time grandpa felt he had to leave the table to avoid ridicule or being made fun of was bullying and would choose the cold outside over the house. Each time Mama's sibling made her feel guilty and made her leave Dad and us were the way of bullies. Each time we locked Dad out of the house, or his personal papers were destroyed, or he had food and bodily fluids thrown on him, were all acts of the bully within the home. Dad never felt safe, I only felt safe because I was appeasing the bullies, trying to be one of them. This makes me no better than the bullies, I followed along. When words or actions are hurtful they are the words and acts of a bully. I had no trust in anyone, I wanted to be loved and recapture the love I lost when Mama left and I was sexually abused. Mama's love I craved and would have done anything, but the love of the abuser I did not want so I self abused but it validated the love I may have had for the abuser.

Shyshark this poem was powerful to me. I read it at least 15 times and each time I read it my life became clearer. My life was never my life because the shadow of the bullies were always with me. Lurking in my mind, sitting at the dinner table, in the homes of the aunts and uncles that stole Mama and with my brother who resorted to whatever to be loved by Mama were the bullies in my life. Bullies can be everywhere, in school, playground, work, the home, the church and we should not validate them by being part of them. I did but no more. I will always love the family bullies but now I know I have to protect myself first.

I believe bullies are very insecure people and to hide their insecurities they prey on others.

I have copied the poem and put it in my wallet as a reminder that no one should be put into a place that I was pushed to, a place of self hatred, doubt and the need to be loved, and to remind I need to stand up for those that are being bullied, laughed at or ridiculed. Never will I ostracize anyone like I did my Dad, instead I will stand beside that person and support that person. As you said there was never a one who stood to defend him.

#478282 - 03/03/15 08:12 PM Re: insecurities and bullies [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 544
Loc: Canada
I'm glad it touched it you sorryson ... and hate that you understood it so well.
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#478457 - Today at 04:51 AM Re: insecurities and bullies [Re: Shyshark]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 544
Loc: Canada
Hi ben

I agree with all but one thing in what you said.
It should be our goal ... in MS and everywhere ...
to learn from and have compassion for one another ...
and not just fellow victims.
Helping somebody else is helping yourself.
I don't care how miserable a persons life is ...
there is never a justification for being mean.
There is more than enough pain to go around ...
it doesn't need help.
Experience is a brutal teacher.


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