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#47751 - 06/29/03 05:06 PM TOPICS
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
This thread is in addition to the one I started called What helps me-Night Terrors

I want you all to list the topics that you think would be beneficial to give you some alternatives to what is not working

I will start

Night Terrors, dreams -etc (already started)

Flashbacks

Then when we have them all together for each thread I will undertake to put them someplace within easy reach of everyone.

Poor Me's

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#47752 - 06/29/03 07:47 PM Re: TOPICS
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Ok Mike so I assume that we what post what we would like help with or an answer to in this thread right? Ok then here is something that is small and stupied. Found any tricks to being able to go the bathroom when othe rpeople are around you? Cause I sure as hell have to go to a stall to pee or wait tell they leave before I can go pee. So fi anyone's found any tricks that work please make a thread.


lots of love, Nathan


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#47753 - 06/30/03 12:02 AM Re: TOPICS
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Unreasonable fear of disease from any sexual contact.

No matter how safe I am in sexual relations, and sometimes I have not been, I invariably end up with an obsessive fear of illness--a shameful type of disease--sort of like a punishment.

I have not been able to have any type of sexual intimacy in over 2 years. I miss that part of my life terribly. Maybe this is just a symptom of a deeper problem.

Any suggestions on taking the punishment out of being ill?

Or how to take thoughts of illness out of sex?

Thanks for the thread, Mike.

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#47754 - 06/30/03 12:08 AM Re: TOPICS
godsrabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 98
what about some positive threads for sharing brighter thoughts:

what am i grateful for?

coping methods?

goals for the week?

who can/do you go to when you need support?

\:\)


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#47755 - 06/30/03 10:00 AM Re: TOPICS
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Godsrabbit what a great idea. Goals for the week. I think that everyone can have something to say in that area.

You are right about the positive side. We have to think beyond the current pain.

So come guys some more ideas please

AAAAAWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#47756 - 06/30/03 10:19 AM Re: TOPICS
uncertain Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 22
How about tips in dealing with combatting startle reflex?

The urinating problem "shy bladder" in public bathrooms is a good one too.


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#47757 - 06/30/03 10:34 AM Re: TOPICS
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Dear fellow members, Mikey, godsrabbit,

You are so right in having these TOPICS categories.

Being grateful, having goals with a positive thrust are always good things to have. Thanks, godsrabbit, for that suggestion.

So much is about the matter of balance, don't you think?

But to me there is no less importance in examining our "problems"; our "weaknesses" or our difficulties and their solutions as Mike proposed.

My experience is that my difficulties are what brings me closer to being ready to ask for and receive help.

A close examination of my "faults" with a loving spirit and mutual support is infinitely valuable.

It is in my time of need, the moments when I feel lacking that my heart is most ready to learn and accept.

I have a nasty habit of only bringing out what I think will please or cause others to like me.
I'm pretty good at selectively showing only those parts of me that make me look normal, well-adjusted and not needing any help or assistance.

That part of me that seems weak or unsuitable, like the part of me that represents the child that was abused, seems only fit for the trash--worthless, a problem, something to be ignored in favor of brighter, more appealing aspects.

I cannot dispose of or ignore that part of me any longer. It is surely as precious a part of me as any other, God-given and deserving of attention and love.

Wallowing around in problems can be a distraction and a waste of time. But a thoughtful, loving examination of my character flaws can help me learn the acceptance of myself that I so desperately need.

Wishing only to offer what may help us to recover, I would humbly suggest that these are not two diametrically opposed TOPICS. They are the sides of a coin. One cannot exist without the other; we cannot value one more than the other.

Learning about and loving my "problems" is what makes them change into solutions. Not painting a happy face on them for more acceptable consumption.

A poorly remembered adage: "When you take a tumble on the road of life, look not where you fall, but where you stumbled."

If this sounds confrontational or critical in any way, please disregard and give me the benefit of a doubt. I'm really struggling with some parts of me that I don't like very much--and it hurts.

Thanks for all that you share with me,

Regards, your brother,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#47758 - 06/30/03 10:53 AM Re: TOPICS
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Danny thanks for the post. Not confrontational at all. Now do me a favour. Give some things you would like under What works for Me and that you and others could use as a reference point and source of things you could do. These will be for everyone not just the few.

You are young by my yardstick and I really want to know your issues. The reason is that some of us have had or are having the same issues and can actually help by posting what works for them. These threads then become sort of a check lists of things each and everyone of us can try if we are having a real problem with it.

So come on guys. Give me the Good, the bad and the ugly topics so we can start threads.

They will all begin with What Works for Me - etc so that there will be a quick reference point for us to access and where we can point the newbies once they are comfortabe and made welcome here

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#47759 - 06/30/03 12:43 PM Re: TOPICS
godsrabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 98
Quote:
Originally posted by dwf:
A close examination of my "faults" with a loving spirit and mutual support is infinitely valuable.

It is in my time of need, the moments when I feel lacking that my heart is most ready to learn and accept.

I cannot dispose of or ignore that part of me any longer. It is surely as precious a part of me as any other, God-given and deserving of attention and love.

Wallowing around in problems can be a distraction and a waste of time. But a thoughtful, loving examination of my character flaws can help me learn the acceptance of myself that I so desperately need.

Learning about and loving my "problems" is what makes them change into solutions. Not painting a happy face on them for more acceptable consumption.
danny,

thank you for sharing this...

i think it is true, often we struggle to be pleasant...and if it is false, it is not necessarily useful to our healing...i agree with you that it is not opposition, but balance...neither focus on the negative, nor paste on the positive, but try to acheive a sense of safety in topics which both challenge and uplift us...


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#47760 - 06/30/03 01:04 PM Re: TOPICS
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
Any ideas to help with Intamcy and a healthy sexual relationship with wife/spouse/partner would be helpful for me right now.

Also seen a couple of other guys talk about and it is the same with me dealing with fantasy, flash back whatever of still haveing sex with my perp and enjoying it. That is a real problem with the shame and guilt with me. At the same time I want to kill them but that is another topic all together.

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

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#47761 - 06/30/03 06:30 PM Re: TOPICS
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
They are the sides of a coin. One cannot exist without the other; we cannot value one more than the other.
Right Danny.

For me the coin is "Recovery".

One side is "recovery from"...

...the other side is "recovery to".

Two sides of the same Recovery Coin.

Both parts of the coin, so when you use the coin you use both, you work both. Really they are inseparable.

You can't really & truly just work on the problems w/o working toward solutions; maybe you can work around them. Nor can you get to the solutions w/o first knowing what the problems are you need solutions to.

The answers are important. So are the right questions. The right answers to the wrong questions don't help any more than do the wrong answers to the right questions--except as part of the process of trial & error which we hope to keep to a healthy or at least not too dangerous minimum level.

Starting to ramble (real shocker huh?!)... \:D

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#47762 - 06/30/03 08:10 PM Re: TOPICS
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
I like the idea of a topic on developing intamacy, or maybe just ideas on developing positive supportive relationships, if that is not to general.

I find a big struggle with me is withdrawing away from other people, a defensive posture probably learned from early on. I think a lot of us deal with that.

Victor's idea is a good one to recovery from & recovery to.

Great posts though, thanks
Aaron.

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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#47763 - 06/30/03 10:11 PM Re: TOPICS
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Wow, and now here I come along to share something truly profound.

I do math in my head to avoid thinking about the guy standing at the urinal next to me, or waiting in line behind me (like at a concert). I read that trick somewhere a few years ago, and it worked. Until I got stuck and couldn't think of a new multiplication problem to work on. 'Cause if I had already figured it out, it wouldn't work.

So I started looking for things around me, and I converted the letters in its name to numbers, then multiplied those numbers. And once I get a good stream going, I stop calculating so I might be able to use that word again. So, urinal is

u=21
r=19
i=9
n=14
a sucks, no help at all
l=12

Start multplying them in your head. It worked for me, and now I hardly have to use it. Good thing, too, 'cause I was starting to pick the same words all the time.

I'll be back to post some more in a minute. \:D

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#47764 - 06/30/03 10:35 PM Re: TOPICS
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
BTW, do you have obsessive-compulsive disorder by any chance? I mean, counting things and all.
WhyMe,

I've never had a professional diagnosis, but it wouldn't surprise me. Well, it wouldn't surprise my wife \:\) and so I'd have to accept that she's been right all along.

I used to drive myself crazy counting my steps as I walked. I even counted in different languages. I could fall back into that in a heartbeat if I'm not careful.

Actually, I've been footing the bill for the psychologist myself and never asked for an official diagnosis. If it were an insurance claim, I'd have some label(s) by now, probably including OCD, or I wouldn't be seeing her.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#47765 - 07/01/03 12:14 AM Re: TOPICS
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
  • Flashbacks
  • Aloneness
  • Using public restrooms
  • Fear of sex being diseased
  • Things to be thankful for
  • Where we go for support
  • Coping methods/more appropriate survival techniques we use
  • Goals
  • Combatting startle reflex/response
  • Healthy sex & intimacy
  • Developing positive supportive relationships
  • Establishing healthy boundaries


OK guys lots of good ideas here lets start some threads on them!

Joe,

Thanks for the formula now I gotta pee!

Why Me (and Joe)

I'm diagnosed OCD. Counting steps. Balancing evens & odds. Balancing the number of words with consonants & vowels. Mostly just "between myself"
Don't do this much anymore but its like Joe says not hard to fall back into...

Seems like for me a key has been keeping variety in my life and not letting myself get into that OCD rut too much.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#47766 - 07/01/03 01:12 AM Re: TOPICS
jwh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 98
Loc: dallas, tx
Mike, this is a great thread that hopefully will lead to many more great threads.

Wow, it's amazing to hear how many of you have the "shy bladder" thing. I have had that at least since I was sexually abused. One of my tricks is to simply go into the stall and sit on the toilet; that way, unless there is utter silence in the bathroom and only one other guy in there, I can usually piss without any problems. If there is just one other guy in there, I just wait.

Have to admit, though, I resent doing this. I have felt so much shame in my life over simply not being able to pee next to other guys! But what can I expect? One of the things my abuser did to me after getting me to "rub dicks" with him one time when he was angry at me for not wanting to do so was piss on me and then laugh at me as I cursed him on the ground.

My biggest thing that I would like to hear about how others cope is something BT mentioned above, feeling arousal about my perpetrator. I will post my own thread for this.

Jeff

_________________________
"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division

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