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#47709 - 02/25/03 11:59 AM owning my past
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
The new openness my wife and I have developed has been a real blessing, but I am still struggling with self-acceptance some. Yes, I was abused, but it feels wrong to simply blame HIM (perp) for everything that has gone wrong in life. What happens to honor and self-determination if we place all the blame on others? Isnít there a point where we can OWN our part in our lifeís troubles, and still be healthy? I was raised to take responsibility for my actions, and I just canít point the finger at Mat, and say he ruined my life, and caused all my problems. Where do you draw that line? Was he there abusing me three years ago when I cheated on my wife? Was he there when I asked the neighbor girl if she had ever seen a boy before?

My point is this. It is okay, I believe, to get to the roots of whatever problems we are having, but we need to take responsibility for our part in them. Being molested was beyond our control, but what we did with our lives beyond that, wasnít totally out of our control, and how we reacted to what happened wasnít totally out of our control. In my mind, I have to stop blaming and running, and stand to face everything head on. I was molested, and no I didnít fully understand, but I seduced and molested two friends who didnít deserve it. I did that. Not HIM, and not the abuse. I alone chose to carry it forward in my life.

So I can understand that being raped warped my perspective some, and damaged me. Is that an excuse to the little girl who now has to live with what happened to her? No more excuses! I canít undo my past, and have to simply accept and forgive myself, but I can control every day from this moment forward. In the end all I have is my honor and self-respect, and I have traded it too cheaply in the past, but I donít have to do that today. There comes a point where you can spend a lifetime using molestation as a cause for everything, or you can accept it and move on. Though there is a fine line between acceptance and denial, I feel I finally know that separation.

Last night, I felt so at peace that it was almost unbelievable. All my life, I have lived with this turmoil, with secretes and lies, until I had forgotten what it was to have inner peace. I guess I have finally found a bit of balance. I personally found it by accepting and forgiving myself for the past, and by coming out with it to the people near me. Surely, there will come other issues, but God it has been an incredible couple of weeks.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#47710 - 02/25/03 12:36 PM Re: owning my past
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
You got it Brother.
"I can't undo my past, and have to simply accept and forgive myself, but I can control every day from this moment forward."
The past cannot and will not influence the future. The key for me is to find that electronic shunt in my brain that causes this. It has been so well used that I can slip into it like " Greased Lightning"

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#47711 - 02/25/03 08:24 PM Re: owning my past
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
The new openness my wife and I have developed has been a real blessing, but I am still struggling with self-acceptance some.
Glad to hear it Zadok, and glad to tell you I'm experiencing that new openness with my wife too--which helps some with that self-acceptance that I do still struggle with.

Quote:
Yes, I was abused, but it feels wrong to simply blame HIM (perp) for everything that has gone wrong in life.
Yes it does!

Quote:
What happens to honor and self-determination if we place all the blame on others?
It's pretty much flushed, I think. At least that's been pretty much the case most of my life.

Quote:
Isn't there a point where we can OWN our part in our life's troubles, and still be healthy?
I think that's essential to health, personally, tho I don't always do it.

Quote:
My point is this. It is okay, I believe, to get to the roots of whatever problems we are having, but we need to take responsibility for our part in them.
Exactly, and very well put my friend! I must get to the roots, and I think I am; but I must also deal with the rotten fruit!

Quote:
Being molested was beyond our control, but what we did with our lives beyond that, wasn't totally out of our control, and how we reacted to what happened wasn't totally out of our control.
Zadok, you're right; but I can't be too hard on myself. That bad fruit still came out of those bad roots. Being sexually abused did affect, in a very bad way, the shaping of my emotions, thinking, & actions in the formative years of my life & beyond. Which made things seem more out of control than they were, but still out of control. From my perception, things were out of control.

Quote:
In my mind, I have to stop blaming and running, and stand to face everything head on.
Right. My perception that I couldn't control things or control myself was inaccurate, and was also no excuse for not controlling myself or doing out of control things.

My T tells me "Don't Blame," and that includes myself. I don't want to blame, but I do want to take responsibility & be accountable, "face the music" so to speak.

Quote:
I can't undo my past, and have to simply accept and forgive myself, but I can control every day from this moment forward.
Exactly! Accepting & forgiving myself!

Quote:
Last night, I felt so at peace that it was almost unbelievable. All my life, I have lived with this turmoil, with secretes and lies, until I had forgotten what it was to have inner peace. I guess I have finally found a bit of balance. I personally found it by accepting and forgiving myself for the past, and by coming out with it to the people near me.
Real happy for you there, I'm still working on this but it's coming.

Quote:
Surely, there will come other issues, but God it has been an incredible couple of weeks.
You deserve it my friend. Take care.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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