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#47578 - 05/19/05 01:16 AM Sexual orientation confusion?
eltoro65 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 9
Loc: chicago
Is anyone here generally confused about their seuxal orientation. Has anyone in thier childhood felt punished for thier orientation (whatever it may be) and when you relaized this did it help you figure out your orientation. Unfortunately I cannot find one single book that has an answer for this and you think they would talk more about orientation confusion. Everything they write about sounds so surface, like it's some easy rocket science...

anyone??? thanks!
gs


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#47579 - 05/19/05 02:12 AM Re: Sexual orientation confusion?
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Toro65,

I (We) wrote the book that is not there. Being sort of funny, but I have been around here for a few months and I read about that same struggle over and over agin. Including from Me. You are not alone.

Healing_inside

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#47580 - 05/19/05 03:31 AM Re: Sexual orientation confusion?
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Toro65:

I will add that you aren't alone here... as far as books that have been written, everyone wants to make a nice, neat definition of what makes someone straight or gay. Our western culture likes to place labels on everything and make everything and everyone fit into a nice, neat pigeon hole. But life isn't like that at all - very rarely are things black and white but a million shades of grey in-between.
Look for my posting in the "sexual identity" forum for a longer explanation of what I've been thru and the confusion that I've had in my life.

I have been struggling with some fundamental issues and in posting, have had some valuable feedback from other members.

If you have any specific questions that you're not comfortable sharing in a public forum, feel free to PM me and I'll try to answer to the best of my ability.

Sophiesdad

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#47581 - 05/19/05 03:49 AM Re: Sexual orientation confusion?
demonboi Offline
Member

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 228
Loc: East Coast
I don't know if I apply to this because of my age and where I am at "developmentally" (sp?).

I don't know where I stand, if I'm straight, gay or bi. Maybe I'm neither cos sex is so weird, strange and scary to me. I'm not sure.

I guess it all depends on how you feel and what you are comfortable with.

_________________________
Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion

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#47582 - 05/19/05 05:01 AM Re: Sexual orientation confusion?
Soccer Kid Offline
Member

Registered: 10/22/04
Posts: 273
Loc: Missouri


_________________________
~Zach~
Deviant of Many Talents

"Reality is just an illusion."

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#47583 - 05/19/05 10:08 AM Re: Sexual orientation confusion?
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Soccer kid:
I think that you will find as many theories as there are fish in the ocean. Some want to blame it on a domineering mother, or a weak father, or early sexual experience, or chlorine in the water :p
The bottom line is that there is no simple explanation. SA does not create gay people - if that were true then the majority of SA boys or girls would grow up gay.
The human psyche is such a complex thing that I doubt there are many things that psychologists will EVER be able to explain. I think what is more important to focus on is what we intend to do with whatever our orientation is. The important thing is to accept ourselves just as we are and learn to love the person that is deep inside of us. And, if we are lucky at sometime in life, we will find someone else who loves us unconditionally - be that male, female, gay, straight, etc.
There are no simple answers in life and, as I said in my previous post, life is FULL of shades of grey.

Sophiesdad

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#47584 - 05/19/05 06:41 PM Re: Sexual orientation confusion?
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
GS,

I'd asked myself for way too many years "Why?". What I've learned is that sometimes there are no answers. I was married for over 33 years, I'm widowed now, I've met someone who is a wonderful person. I love him and he loves me. I am more content now with my life than I can ever remember. I don't know why I'm gay but I am. I hid it for way too many years the same way that I kept the abuse a secret.

My sexual oreintation is no one's business but my own. I've always had compassion for others. I've always given others the benefit of the doubt. I'm being compassionate to me now too. I'm living life.

Take good care of yourself. You are not alone.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#47585 - 05/19/05 09:04 PM Re: Sexual orientation confusion?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I believe that it's an emotional thing, if a woman makes your knees go weak, then I'd say you're straight. But things can change, as Steve points out.

I've been married for over 30 years, but I've also had sex with other men. I've never been 'unfaithful' though.
The sex with strange men was a direct result of my abuse and the obsessions that I had at the time, it was very quick and sordid sex. I never looked at another man and went weak at the knees, but women can still do that to me, I can desire women. But I can also resist women, and I always have done.

Our sexual desires and orientation must be in our minds, if you could force gayness or otherwise onto someone then I don't think this forum would be here.

Dave

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#47586 - 05/20/05 12:53 PM Re: Sexual orientation confusion?
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
GS,

It's been a while since I last posted on here, but just my two cents. One of the hardest thing for me to deal with was to separate my abuse from my sexuality. Indeed, when I finally came out about my abuse and my sexuality it compounded things as people started to relate my abuse and my sexuality.

One thing, you have to be careful about linking discomfort with sexuality to abuse. That is, for me, when I first started embracing homosexuality, I was so stressed about it. I felt I had to hide it and so in the rare moments I would "let my feelings out", it would "explode" and I would have a strong desire to do things that would be unhealthy/risky sexually. At first that confused me and made me think, oh clearly homosexuality can't be right for me as it makes me do "X,Y,Z". This must be due to the abuse. However, what I have come to realize is that, at least for me, it is not the sexuality that is affected but rather my desire to act out or else my desire to do things in "secret."

So...if this makes sense, I not only had to separate my abuse from my sexuality but I had to separate my sexuality (homo vs. hetero) from my sexual impulse.

Anyway, I do not know if that made perfect sense...here's a better point. The psychology literature is clear as has the words of previous therapists (abuse does not make someone gay), but what it really took for me to understand was a lot of prayer, self-reflection, and honesty.

See, I used to be with a girl in college and had a fairly seriour relationship, but now (4 years since college), I am very much in a committed relationship with a guy and in fact am uncle to his nephews, nieces, etc.,.

I realize that now I truly am happy--indeed, I know myself that when I was with a girl I always thought about guys as well and checked out guys. I can honestly tell you that with a guy, I really don't check out girls--really : )

More than just the sexual feeling however, really, I love it when I am embraced by my "mate"--it's the best feeling, and I just know deep down that this is what God intended for me...real love.

I guess that is what comes down to ultimately--you know deep down what you want. Take out the layers, take out the fear of coming out, take out the fear of religious persecution, take out the fear of being hurt...and deep down you know what love means.


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#47587 - 05/20/05 01:35 PM Re: Sexual orientation confusion?
Soccer Kid Offline
Member

Registered: 10/22/04
Posts: 273
Loc: Missouri


_________________________
~Zach~
Deviant of Many Talents

"Reality is just an illusion."

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