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#4756 - 04/10/03 10:30 PM Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
This is the first time I have ever told anyone this in detail. I am sorry for its length but there were a lot of things I felt I needed to explain.

---

When I was in high school, my family were the freaks of the town… the town was pretty small, and the high school only had about 500 kids, so everyone knew everyone else. My family was considered creepy, fucked up, incestuous white trash, which was pretty much true on all accounts, but it did not allow for an easy time in high school. My mother was not living in town at the time but everyone knew of her and I was constantly belittled by taunts of "your mother's a whore!"

My dad was fairly respectable in the sense that he had a steady job and was good to my sister and I but he had a reputation amongst the schoolchildren for being a raging alcoholic and a psycho. He was an alcoholic but I don't know where they got the idea he was a psycho… he was a very gentle man. He had been in a mental institution for extreme depression a couple years back, though, so that may have been what fueled the rumors.

My sister was the most normal out of all of us. She was not popular but had a small group of close friends and seemed to do alright. I, on the other hand, was the required Freak of the high school. They called me Spooky. I wore the same big green army coat every day to hide myself in and was incredibly nervous. They loved to sneak up behind me and tap me on the shoulder so that I would jump. For the most part they teased me and ridiculed me but in some small way accepted me; they would talk to me in classes or say hi in the hall, if only for their own amusement. There was one group that absolutely hated me, though, and often threw rocks at me in the parking lot.

It was because of this reputation that I was immediately labeled as a suspect by my peers when any local crime took place. It was the same when the big house on Fall Mountain burned down. The police deemed it arson and were questioning people in the high school.

I wasn't there; I had dropped out a few weeks earlier after my father committed suicide, but I have heard accounts from students that everyone was saying my name. Or, rather, they were pinning Spooky.

The simple facts were that Spooky was responsible for the fire. Everyone knew it. I was a revered pyromaniac and had showed my classmates many a fun time by burning Christmas trees in the Mile-Long Tunnel. They were quick to give me up, though.

I went down to the station and confessed. My clothes still smelled like gasoline. They arrested me.

The local jail was not a new place for me and I got along fairly well without any incidents. When it came time for court I was given two years in the state prison. This was a new experience for me; having just turned 18, I had seen nothing but Juvy, and even that did not last very long.

Now, the state pen is not a good place for a guy like me to be. I hear that federal prisons are better but I have not experienced this firsthand. I was miserable from the start with heroin withdrawal, but more to the point, I feared immediately for my safety and spent my first three days there cowering while trying to look as if I was not cowering.

It didn't work.

My memories in this area range from somewhat hazy to incredibly clear, so I am not sure if I have all of this right, but I guess it gives you the general idea. I was in the showers, which in itself was traumatic for me because I could not stand to be naked amongst other people, and I was trying my best to be invisible. I had always been pretty good at being one of those people no one pays attention to, but it didn't work in this case. I was facing the wall when somebody came up behind me and pushed me towards it.

I got the feeling like there were a lot of people around me and I prayed to myself that they just wanted to beat me up or stab me or something. That wouldn't be so bad.

One of them grabbed me by the shoulders and put his mouth right next to my ear and called me a little bitch and I knew what was going to happen so I started crying and saying "no," which was the wrong thing to do, because another one kneed me in the stomach and then when I fell on the floor he kicked me in the head. I climbed back onto my knees and tried to sit down and curl up into a ball so they could not get at me but they kept kicking me until I kneeled again. I felt freezing cold and I was shaking all over. I got kicked again and lost control of my bladder which really didn't matter since I was naked and in the shower anyway, but they laughed at me. There were about 12 of them. The one that had whispered to me in the beginning got behind me and thrust his dick into my ass and I cried out so someone kicked me again. Almost immediately I started to shut down and my mind was in the safe place I always went to when I was being abused… a small, sunny room, with a window, and a chair, sometimes with my daddy sitting in it. I would have stayed in there the whole time but they kept kicking me or slapping me with their dicks and bringing me back into reality. I can't really remember but I think I was crying the whole time. I think most of my brain shut down so only the most primitive part was functioning and all I knew was that I was in a lot of pain and I was really scared and there was no way to get away. They took turns at me and the ones that were not fucking me made me suck them off.

I think every single man in that room had a turn at me. I estimate that there were 12 of them. It went on for so long and at several points I passed out but they beat or kicked me awake again. I remember pleading, begging, in my own head, to God or whatever higher power there was, or if there was any at all, to make it stop, and then I would just beg that the current guy would finish so the next one could get to me because that meant it was closer to the end. Every one felt different and some were gentler than the others so it hurt a little less. I have no idea how long it actually went on. It felt like days.

I remember that one of them finished and pulled out and then another one did not get behind me. I remember the amazing happiness that I felt when I realized they were done. I got kicked a couple more times in the head and then they laughed and I could hear them going away. I was bleeding from a lot of places. There were cuts on my head and a lot of bruises turned up later all over my body. Everything stunk really bad of all sorts of bodily fluids. I realized I was crying so hard I could barely breathe and then I curled up into a ball. It hurt so badly to move that I just lay there and lost consciousness.

At this point it gets very fuzzy but I remember being in the prison hospital for a while. When I got out I was gang raped a few more times but never quite as badly as the first time. After that I was a punk which meant that I had to submit sexually to one of the other inmates for protection from further group attacks like the one I had experienced on my third day. I got passed around a lot but there was usually just one person raping me at a time so it was not as bad and I was able to shut myself off much easier. I was sold a few times and about a year into my term I wound up with one man who was a lot kinder to me than the rest so it made it a lot easier on me. At this point I was used to it all and resigned to the lifestyle so it was a nice change to be treated like a person rather than a piece of meat. It was pretty much required that sexual relations take place but I did not mind doing it with him as much as I did with the others. He was a lot more attentive to how I felt and if I cried he would comfort me instead of laughing at me or fucking me. After a few months with him I started to feel attached and fond of him and I felt like the sex was becoming voluntary.

When I got out in 2000 I was quick to get back on drugs and bury the memories in my mind. I had a series of very destructive relationships with very troubled women and managed to nearly completely forget about the feelings I had for that man in prison. I never experienced those feelings with any of the women, nor had I experienced them before in my life.

Last summer—2002—I got a call from the man who I had been with in prison. He had gotten out and wanted to know if he could see me again. I said yes, and we met at McDonalds so that I would be safe in that public place in case anything happened.

It was pretty triggery to see him again just because of the circumstances in which we met but I felt very grateful towards him because it was probably his tender behavior that kept me sane in a place where I was being treated like an object or an animal. I was expecting him to ask me for sex, and I was ready to say yes, because I wanted to repay him for the good things he had done.

I can't actually remember who brought the proposal up for sex but we ended up going back to his friend's apartment, where he was staying, and having sex. At that point it was just sex; I didn't feel anything intimate, but I was willing to give him some pleasure in order to thank him for saving me.

Most guys in prison only have sex with other guys because it's all that is available to them. Most of them think about women during the sex, or feminize the punks. This man was different I guess in that he still wanted to have sex with me after he got out, so I figured he was gay, or at least bi. I considered myself straight at that point, but the truth was that I regularly had thoughts about men and had felt attracted to them since early adolescence. I was dating a woman named Sarah during all this, but she was very abusive and unfaithful so I didn't feel very bad about cheating. I had been prostituting myself as well.

I saw this man many more times as the summer progressed and started to feel that same attachment that I had felt in prison. For a while I was afraid he would hurt or rape me but he was extremely kind and never made me do things I was not ready to do. By the time I went on vacation in August, I was missing him greatly when I did not see him for a few days.

In late August I broke up with Sarah and kicked her out of the house. I considered myself bisexual but later admitted that I was just gay. I came out to my family in the fall and they accepted it pretty well. Dave (the man) and I developed a very close relationship and we are still together. Admittedly, we met in horrible circumstances, but even the worst story can have a happy ending, I suppose. We are planning on moving to New Mexico together in August.

I have PTSD because of what happened to me in prison and regularly have flashbacks and nightmares. I have been pretty successful at removing the concept of Dave from the concept of what happened in prison, which is good because he can support me through rough times now without me getting triggered. I have a very tough time though because so many things remind me of the rapes. Sometimes, even light cast across the floor in stripes (due to the blinds being drawn) can trigger me because it looks like the light coming in between the bars on prison doors. I get really nervous around police. I have panic attacks if I see an arrest or riot or anything in which the cops are dragging people off to jail. There are also so many jokes everywhere about prison rape and they make me want to throw up. The people who joke about those things have no idea how painful and terrifying the act is.

Coupled with my childhood abuse, this is a lot to deal with, but I am helped through it by Dave and a friend or two that I have confided in. None of my family knows about what happened to me. The wounds are still very recent but I'm hoping to heal by taking steps such as telling the story of what really happened to me from 1998 to 2000.

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#4757 - 04/10/03 11:13 PM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
SP,

That's quite a lot of pain. I can see why it was hard to mention it before. I hope you feel some relief since you posted it here.

It sounds like you and Dave are working together on better lives for both of you. That sounds like progress to me, and I think the name of this recovery game is progress. Sometimes slow progress, sometimes painful progress, but continual progress.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#4758 - 04/11/03 09:30 PM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Thank you Outis, I do feel some relief. At first I was frightened and kept wanting to delete the post but I held back. I was not really able to open it again until tonight. It is definitely a hard thing to talk about, but I guess the relative anonymity of the internet makes it easier for me.

But yes, I am making steps forward, although slowly... I am healing... \:\)

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

Top
#4759 - 04/11/03 10:15 PM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Thanks for sharing it. I don't usually read a lot of the stories because they usually trigger me hard, but for some reason I read this all the way through. I'm glad you had the courage to share it and I'm even more happy that you are healing from all of this. I was first raped by the time I was 5 years old and it continued for many years after that. Even when I was in highschool (and my first couple of years out of highschool) I was repeatedly molested by my father and brother. I've always tried to blame myself that at college age, I should have known better and stopped it. But I had been raised this way and it was all automatic behavior by that time for me. I guess that is what I thought of when I read your post was the age you experienced this and the age my continued through.

But thanks for having the courage to share it.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#4760 - 04/11/03 11:31 PM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
Daid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/16/02
Posts: 10
Loc: Ontario
Josh,

I just read your post, and had to reply to it. If you've looked around the forums, you know that I don't reply to much these days, but I was feeling compelled to reply to your post!

I am completely blown away by your strength!!! I know how hard it must have been to put that post up to the public, and I respect the hell outta you for doing it!

I need you to know that I understand the high school stuff. If you watched TV when we were younger, there was a show with a kid with Down's Syndrom....named Corky. The kids I went to school with thought it fun to always call me Corky and make fun of me, despite no physical delays/problems.

My history pales in comparison to your past, but please know that I was incredibly moved by the strength and courage you had to put up that post. You're growing, ongoingly....into a wonderful person!!! Keep the strength Brother!!

Remember, we are all brothers in healing!!!

Dave


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#4761 - 04/12/03 12:11 PM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
I really wanna thank everybody who said I was brave for posting this. I've been feeling really foolish and dumb that I posted it... some little voice inside me keeps saying I'm just a stupid little idiot and should have kept it inside. The encouragement is really helping though. \:\)

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

Top
#4762 - 04/12/03 01:17 PM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
SP - Let me echo what others have seen in you and shared about your strength and courage...you ARE a survivor. ;\) I have followed your posts and see a real progression from where you were to where you are. You are overcoming "the secret" and perhaps even the shame forced on you through all your experiences! How can I tell? The secret wants us to stay in the dark, victimized because it is horrible and "what will they think of me?" thinking. It is NORMAL to have emotions of feeling stupid (etc.)in that situation. But when you shared, you took that "secret" that was in control of you and put YOU in control of it!! That's progress!! Let me encourage you to continue in being brave and taking control!! \:D

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#4763 - 04/12/03 03:32 PM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
i'm sitting here crying....i'll write more when i'm able....take care of yourself......michael


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#4764 - 04/12/03 04:06 PM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
SP,

I am so sorry that you had to live through such a terrible experience. To be able to share that with us here shows incredible strength. It's a big step, and I'm glad that you felt you could share it with us.


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#4765 - 04/12/03 08:05 PM Re: Another part of my story (very long, definitely a *trigger*)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
SP
You have the kind of strength, and humour
Quote:
I was a revered pyromaniac
that is an inspiration to us.

Your story is heartbreaking, but the strenght and support you give so freely to us all here is wonderful. Thank you.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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