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#47534 - 02/25/03 12:23 AM Why our are attacker's known to us?
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Why are most of our abusiers known to us? Why do we not see more cases of stranger rapes against children? In the time I that I worked as a volunteer advocate I never saw an instant of stranger rape of a child, why is that?


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#47535 - 02/25/03 02:46 AM Re: Why our are attacker's known to us?
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Your questions don't beg for simple answers. It could possibly take a whole dissertation.

The simple answer is that not all parents were taught the right skills for doing life let alone raising children.

If it is even proposed that adolescence recieve parenting classes often it is recieved with the statement,"My parents never had to take a class to raise me, and I did alright." Meanwhile they drink excessively and pass out while the kids have no supervision.

My mother didn't drink, but she was molested and never had the opportunity to heal. She took us to bed with her because she was "lonely."

However she was good at keeping strangers away from us, even playmates. Why go out when you have 3 vulnerable sons at your disposal.

Some grossly oversimplified answers.


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#47536 - 02/25/03 04:54 PM Re: Why our are attacker's known to us?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Because we trusted the grown up's, what else could we do ?

Dave \:\(

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#47537 - 02/25/03 08:47 PM Re: Why our are attacker's known to us?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Nathan,

RJD's right; you do ask some loaded questions, my friend. Good for you, and for us!

I have a few thots on this.

Strangers have children more readily available to them, like their own children, children in their extended family, friends of their children, etc.

Strangers can get to these children a lot more easily and with a lot less risk than "stranger" children.

Strangers have or can much more easily gain the trust of these "family" children than of "stranger" children.

Speaking as someone who like my friend RJD was sexually abused by my mother, as well as my father and an aunt, the stuff about dysfunctional families sure applies too.

Perhaps a lot of sexual offenders abuse within their own families becuz that's where they were abused. Keeping it in the family.

I had 8 perps I can remember. 3 were family, 1 a live in boyfriend of my mother, 2 family friends, and 2 babysitters. No strangers.

When stats indicate SA by strangers is "only" about 2%, it sure doesn't surprise me.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#47538 - 02/25/03 11:03 PM Re: Why our are attacker's known to us?
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Nathan - I'll just give a simple answer here while I ponder more deeply later. My read on the familiar abuser is it takes time to "worm" their way into our trust and confidence. To accomplish this they must draw close to their prey. How can a stranger get close without suspicion but rather someone we trusted AND was trusted by our parents (unless they were perps).
Once they got our confidence and trust; once they began the abuse, it became more difficult to tell on a family member or friend. How easy would it be to 'dime' on a perfect stranger? But on a brother, sister, cousin? On our mom or dads sisters or brothers? On our parents mom and dad? Who would believe us? But - a stranger - that makes it a tad easier.
Even a family friend, who was once a stranger, gains the trust of the child's care- taker...teacher, preacher, scoutmaster, etc.
I know this seems simplistic but these scenerios occur over and over ad infinitum. Beware of the 'Trojan Horse' within our own secure walls!!

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#47539 - 02/26/03 07:24 PM Re: Why our are attacker's known to us?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Yes, the image of the dirty old man in a raincoat or a crazy who kidnaps and abuses is a popular one, but I think they're in the minority. Although they do make a better story for the media, so they're the ones who people think of first.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#47540 - 02/28/03 05:40 PM Re: Why our are attacker's known to us?
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
Either you completely trusted the adults in charge or your parents completely trusted what lies the perps were saying. In the 1960's parents trusted daycares. In the 1975 or so is when they even started caring about little kids being raped. The knowledge of some sexual abuse happening is sort of out there, we just need to leak out the afteraffects to the world. Well take care.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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#47541 - 02/28/03 05:56 PM Re: Why our are attacker's known to us?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Nathan: I do not have the answer to this but it is likely as others have said. I was not sexually abused as far as I can remember by a non stranger. I was however repeatedly beaten severly by all my older male relatives. I was the whipping boy so to speak. No friends my own age. Self preservation on their part.

My sexual abuse happened at Military College. All because I would not lick the boot of an upperclassman. He and 2 of his buddies used me for a nine month period as their common slut and there was also a great deal of physical violence and god knows I was used to that. What I am saying is that I did not know them but I guess I was fresh meat to them. May they all burn in hell. I think it would be a lot harder to know your SA or even worse a family member. We each have our own personal hell from whatever source.
I am glad that a REAL MAN of your young years has started down this road with us. Sometimes it will be easy and sometimes hard but always hold your self esteem intact. Someday we will all WIN. God I am preaching again. Sorry about that. But you have no idea of how proud I am by seeing YOUNG MEN doing it early. I am 62 and waited till I was 56.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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