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#47525 - 05/18/05 03:41 PM Hope is there --- Where? (triggers!)
rom2057 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/21/05
Posts: 7
I have a strong belief in God and in His love, otherwise I would not be here to write this. Maybe I would be where my uncle is. In some hospital recovering from a slit wrist a few days ago. It was the morning he was supposed to go to his plea-bargain sentencing: for admitting to 4 counts of aggr. sexual assault with minors under 13 (his granddaughters) he would get 12 years, no parole.
He chose to slit his wrist instead. But he is still alive and the case is continued 'til tomorrow.

Where is hope?

After getting the news from my family I started reading some of the posts on this site. The Journal (by Kev)is really good. I found myself crying, wishing I could have written a note to give my father. (and thinking some of the same things the other older guys wrote). It was 1964 and my father was in Viet Nam. And it was my uncle, 14 years old at the time, who molested me, 6 at the time. And 2 of my younger brothers. Years later my uncle said all his brothers had molested him, except my father who left home to join the Air Force when my uncle was 3.

Is this how our family always existed? If it is I sure hope it stops --- either the behaviour or the family.

I have written hopeful and encouraging emails to my family, and a few are fighting to stop the abuse, but aunts and uncles are mostly in denial, and say my generation is just making Uncle M. into a scapegoat. It is like we started a revolution to say the unsayable about the family.

What do we cousins do? Give up on the older ones? It seems to me that if we do that and let the abused/abuser uncle kill himself, we also die in part. Do we keep working on ourselves and hope the older ones follow along some day? We still love them, I think, even if they don't or can't recognise their own hurts let alone ours.

I grew up thinking I was the messed up one, that we had a good family. All three of my brothers and my sister refuse to move back "home" to where the family is. They stayed scattered as a result of going into the military themselves and wanting to stay away from the way things are back home. And now, with Mom's mom recently buried, even my parents are preparing to sell their house and move to Texas to be near one of their kids instead of near my father's family. And I live in the Middle East---can't get much farther from Tennessee than that.

Where is the hope at this moment?

It is good to know that I am no longer alone with this knowledge of what has happened. I am still angry and want to scream at times or hit the wall as hard as I can.

Is this the place to write all this? Can I just write it and then disappear and just be a reader again? I am afraid that if I let out too much too often, then who I think I am and what I believe, the security I have, will disappear. Or at least come into question.

Is my Hope strong enough to survive being tested? I hope so. I pray it is. It just gets dark sometimes.

Thanks for listening.

Jim

PS After rereading this, I know where hope is, at least part of it: in my nephews and nieces and my cousins' children who haven't been molested and who won't be, God and we being their helpers! There is the hope! God and us, together!
And for us who were molested, He is our Healer working through all our brothers and sisters who also receive healing!

As they say in many languages: Slowly, slowly. Little by little.


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#47526 - 05/18/05 05:08 PM Re: Hope is there --- Where? (triggers!)
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Jim, I was reminded years ago that there's a big difference between "spiritual sickness" and being emotionally damaged. Just because we feel pain and sadness, realizing that our families weren't what we thought they were, that doesn't mean we have a problem with "faith".

This is the place to write about it. My family was the perfect religious family, or so they appeared. My dad was violent and controlling, my mom was cold, distant, and even condescending, my uncle sexually abused me--there was nothing perfect about it. The Bible also says people reap what they sow. Unfortunately, my family created such a mess of a family, they are reaping the consequences of losing us, their kids. My sister's moved who-knows-where, and I am very close to telling my parents that I can't be around their poisonous influence anymore. I've also written a letter to my uncle, confronting him with what he did to me.

The hope is that I am getting better. I have a chosen family now that is completely unrelated to me, people who care about me and I care about them. These people want to be around me, and they don't ever look down their noses at what I have or the way I'm serving God. I agree that faith helps me look to the future. It's my therapy and realizing the truth about this diseased family tree I was a part of that's made me feel stronger and more separate from them. In my stronger state, knowing that my dad was nothing like a real father, I can look again at God as a Father.

People have to want to change. I've written and called my parents and other relatives. The fact is, they like their distorted lives the way they are. It's more effort for them to change than it is to be emotionally sick. There comes a point where I have to walk away.

But that's all my experience. I hope you find the Hope you're looking for. I'm sorry for what your family's been through, and I understand too well how families can get stuck in the muck and just sit there enjoying their rotten lives. I'm happy you found this place. We're here to listen. Sometimes I get to rambling in a response like I did here just because I can relate. Write what you feel as you feel comfortable doing so. We're here for you, Jim.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#47527 - 05/18/05 06:04 PM Re: Hope is there --- Where? (triggers!)
rom2057 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/21/05
Posts: 7
I'm glad you understand how families can be. It sure is hard to know when to let go and keep distance. And then not feel guilty over finding a replacement. I realised long ago that I could not in all fairness get married even with an aunt always saying "You're so good with kids." Maybe because I never grew up. In the 4th grade I remember I could not look face to face with the boy my age who was the safety-patrol leader, because he was male and had some authority. He was my age and still a threat to me in my own mind, not in what he did.

I also find it strange and don't know what to think about this. Maybe someone can help: On two occassions recently, after a day or two of giving tours to visitors from America, I was asked my age. When I said "47", there was surprise on both occassions and someone said "We thought 37."
This was confusing and the second time this happened, from different people, I asked why they thought so. I am embarressed to say I was pleased with their answer: "Because you seem so youthful." (Never mind my beard is quite grey.)

I was pleased but it seems to confirm the thought: I never grew up. It makes it difficult to deal with responsibilities sometimes (because I don't do it well) but I think I would rather be a kid. There are plenty more likeable kids around than grownups, it seems.

Now it is my turn to say: "I do ramble a bit."
Also, I had to edit what I first posted: some aunts and uncles say my generation is making my uncle a scapegoat. We are doing what we can to stop my uncle from hurting anyone else, and I am glad to see my cousins taking action!

jim s.


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#47528 - 05/18/05 09:50 PM Re: Hope is there --- Where? (triggers!)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Jim, I dont feel sorry for him, or do I. I dont like people doing hurt, but I dont like seeing people hurting themselves. He has to face punishment for what he did.
Your family seems deeply in denial which must confuse you when they try to protect him.
Dont place the guilt on yourself it is not yours, but I know why you think it is.

Quote:
I also find it strange and don't know what to think about this. Maybe someone can help: On two occassions recently, after a day or two of giving tours to visitors from America, I was asked my age. When I said "47", there was surprise on both occassions and someone said "We thought 37."
When I was working, I told people in the office last year that it would be my 50th birthday, and nobody could believe it. They even ask me to prove it. Like you, I thought it was a compliment, but I suppose it is because I am still boyish, because I never wanted to lose that bit of me.

Quote:
I was pleased but it seems to confirm the thought: I never grew up. It makes it difficult to deal with responsibilities sometimes (because I don't do it well) but I think I would rather be a kid. There are plenty more likeable kids around than grownups, it seems.
I let myself be the kid, but it doesnt do much to encourage responsible behaviour, but so what!
If it works, keep it up. It is what people like about me, and you are right, kids make me smile with their boundless energy and always smiling, they remind me of what it is meant to be.

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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