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#47311 - 07/11/06 12:15 AM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Thank you for your thoughtful replies. Job hunting sucks even worse when your life-long piss-poor self image has led one to never do anything or accomplish anything noteworthy in his life. If I had only 2 damned years of experience in the IT field I would be getting dozens of calls by now, I'm sure of it.

I'm only sharing this to let you guys know that this is going to be one of my last big hurtles before I can say I'm going "downhill" instead of "uphill" in my recovery. My lack of career/education and the inherent drawbacks of that is the worst manifestation of my childhood abuse. The abuse itself? I could talk all day about that, no big deal. But, ask me about why I never finished college, or why I never found a suitable partner, or why I never met an influential person that would hire me into a decent company, well, that's a big trigger for me.


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#47312 - 07/11/06 02:07 AM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Hauser, have you ever read "What Color is Your Parachute?" It's a great book for job hunting...check it out.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#47313 - 07/11/06 02:38 AM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Ahhh yes, by those 5'Clock Club people. Yes I remember reading one of their books called "Targeting the Job You Want". In that book, the author has the reader asking himself what he truly enjoyed doing as a child, that experience being the basis for finding what one would like to do for a living now that he's all grown up.

I remember getting to to middle of the book and throwing it away in frustration because it made me sick how that author just assumed that I found something meaningful and practical that I was doing in my childhood. All I did was play video games, that's all I still do.

I will order that book and let you know how it goes.


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#47314 - 07/11/06 03:55 AM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
Hello Hauser,

Your posts could've been written by me. I don't know what advice to give. I too need to find the self-confidence to get back into the job search.

I started volunteering at a non-profit a year and a half ago- just to try to get out of my apartment. Having some structure, and being in a work environment, helped me out a lot. It also gave me something to say when people ask where I work or what I do. After awhile a part-time position opened up there and I took it. I'm still struggling to get by, and I still need to find a full time position, but I figure it's a start.

I had been reading a couple of books, "What Should I Do with My Life?" by Po Bronson, and "Your Own Worst Enemy-Breaking the Habit of Adult Under-Achievement" by Kenneth W. Christian, Ph.d.

Bronson's book profiles the indirect paths people have taken to find their careers. Kenneth Christian's book I started, but put it down I think because I wasn't ready for it. He explores the way we sabotage ourselves and how to change self-defeating behavior.

Hope that helps.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#47315 - 07/11/06 06:58 AM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
TexasCowboy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 22
Loc: Houston, TX
Hauser,
I'm not sure what's worse, self-pity or self-loathing, as both are equally as abusive. You are being as abusive toward yourself as your perp(s) was/were to you. Remember, argue for your limitations, and they're yours, because that's excatly what you'll get are your limitations.
Move forward one step at a time and each morning look into your mirror and tell yourself what a beautiful, gifted, loving, and good person you are; moreover, believe it!
Best regards and my love and thoughts are with you.
Tex

_________________________
The strongest hearts are sometimes broken,
As the deepest thoughts arent always soken,
and the greatest wounds we hide inside ourselves where they never show

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#47316 - 07/11/06 09:12 AM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
TexasCowboy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 22
Loc: Houston, TX
p.s.
Anyone who can write so profoundly about himself, and express his feelilngs so beautifully as you do is a truly gifted and talented person filled with many abilities just waiting to climb a latter of accomplishments. You should know what a beautiful person you are, because all of us here recognize that just from the way you so eloquently express your feelings. I agree with our friend who suggests looking into volunteering for a non-profit organization where youcan make a profound difference in other people's lives, which in turn will make a profound difference in your own. They're so many worthy organizations in need of the talentsand the skill you possess, such as HIV/AIDS awareness groups and foundations, who always need office staff, phone banks to answer questions and cousel others, buddies to work with persons living with HIV/AIDS, pet patrol, to tend to people's pets when they're too sick to do so, just to name a few. If you like animals, there's the dumb friends league in most towns and cities who need people to give love to those smallest of us who love us so unconditionally (dogs and cats) and are desperately alone, like many of us. Who knows, this may be a great venue to get out and gain your confidence, and it could lead to a permanent paid position too. Just think, doing something to help others as well as yourself and getting paid for doing what you enjoy.
Don't give up. You are loved.
Tex

_________________________
The strongest hearts are sometimes broken,
As the deepest thoughts arent always soken,
and the greatest wounds we hide inside ourselves where they never show

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#47317 - 07/12/06 07:53 AM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
Syntaxed Offline
Member

Registered: 07/12/06
Posts: 54
Loc: St Louis, MO
You know, I'm new, and this probably shouldn't be my first post, but I've agreed with this assessment in the past.

Everyone wants us to call ourselves "survivors" but what have we survived? We are still victims. I've been in a male support group before, and everyone was de-railed. That's the analogy I've used with my wife. When the abuse happened, I was derailed and I've been running through life with my wheels off the track tearing up everything in the vicinity of the tracks. I need a "breakdown train" to get me back on the track but that never seems to happen.

I'm 39 years old and I just started having flashbacks (a psych diagnosed me with PTSD years ago, but I thought she was over-diagnosing). These flashbacks are scaring the shit out of me and I am re-living the abuse in every way possible.

What, exactly, have we survived? Yes we are alive, but...

I am against the death penalty in principle, but when the discussion turns to sexual predators I'm tempted, because what they do is so much worse than murder.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling post.

_________________________
At present: 1 step forward, 3 steps back.

http://sleepeatrepeat.blogspot.com

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#47318 - 07/12/06 02:55 PM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hey Syntaxed, I would first like to say thank you for your first reply and I would also like to say that you bring up a very controversial point, (death penalty for perps). I want you to know that you're not alone, although I have not given it much thought myself. DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER, the popular conservative talk radio psychologist is an advocate of the death penalty for child molestors. She admits that's she's in a minority, but you're not alone Syntaxed. I wonder if my perp would have kept his damned hands off me if he knew that he might get the electric chair for what he was about to do!

Oh and you're NOT rambling, if you need to talk, I and others are here to listen and help if we can, ok?


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#47319 - 07/12/06 03:19 PM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
a victim can only relive the abuse and sit in self pity going nowhere ,doing nothing using the abuse as an excuse not to live ,a survivor admits the abuse happend and feels all the same things ,but he looks for help ,and ways to use the abuse to help change the way he thinks and reacts to life ,just the fact that we are here getting and giving help says we are survivors not victims ,being a victim is easy being a survivor is not,a victim spends his time saying oh god look what happened to me ,a survivor spends his time trying to use what happened to make him a better person ,sometimes its so hard to even see that what happened made us different ,yes ,but in lots of ways better,it also makes it hard to see things that we do as good ,syn when you posted this relpy did you think it would help somebody else ?well it did every time you post here someone can say hey thats how i feel too so even if you think your post is just rambling it has helped somebody .one thing thats hard for survivors to do is take credit for the good they do ,hauser you think youve wasted all these years ,and have not acomplished anything ,but 8 months ago there was a 21 year old guy who had already been to the bridge and looked down into what he saw as his only way to escape the pain ,it wasnt like he was afraid to die ,as he stood there and looked down all he thought about was if it would hurt a lot ,would the fall kill him or would he drown ,then i found this site and i saw guys like you syn ,and hauser and i thought yeah i'll hang out here till i get the guts to do it ,8 months later i am living again ,i am finding good things in my life ,i have friends who love me ,i have a life again ,hauser is it not a great acomplishment that your kindness and concern kept me from ever going back to that bridge ,who would have thought that all the bad that happened to you would be the very thing that saved my life ,its like we just dont know how what happened to us can be used for good things ,a victim stands on the bridge saying its too hard ,i cant go on ,its not getting better its getting worse,a survivor walks off the bridge and says i cant go on alone but if someone, anyone can stand by me maybe i can go on ,for me that person was hauser ,and someday syn you could be that person for someone who is where you are now,what did we survive? horrors that people cant imagine ,but we did survive and it can get better ,thank you hauser for giving me the chance to be a survivor ,not a victim. adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#47320 - 07/13/06 11:53 AM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Thanks Shadowkid for the great post. I'm new here and have been reading a lot on this site and shedding a lot of tears. Your post brought out a lot of tears. It spoke to me of things I needed to hear for so long but have never heard before. Thank you so much.


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