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#47301 - 07/01/06 03:02 AM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
if you quit ,he wins ,even though he;s dead he wins.you beat him a long time ago remember? adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#47302 - 07/01/06 12:33 PM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Easy, Baby!
You're on the right track!
---
Honestly, Hauser, you have traveled quite far on the path to wholeness and healing. I refuse to consider you as a "victim" at this point; you definitely fit into the "survivor" column in my book.
Try to be patient with yourself, and with the outside world. Most of what we see as "fucked up" in our lives actually has little or nothing to do with each of us personally. It's sometimes just the way the world is! Of course, our abuse history does not make things any easier for us, but not everything that becomes difficult is "our fault" nor can every bad thing in our lives be blamed on our perps.
Just felt I needed to add my 2 cents worth; hope it helps a little. Remember, You have much love and respect from all your brothers here.

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#47303 - 07/01/06 01:24 PM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I look on life as mountains that have been climbed.
Some of those mountains have been pretty steep and almost impossible to climb.

Each time I get to the other side, I feel weak and burned out, so I recharge for the next one.
They have also made my legs strong, to face anything in my way.

I see that you like to cook, I do too, and I can cook almost anything.
I love it, and it is worth it, to just eat what I made.

You need the courage of the little boy to win the fight, and you promised him that,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#47304 - 07/01/06 02:28 PM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 795
Loc: North Texas
Hi Hauser, you said you have a problem with self-image, while there are all sorts of books on how to fix that, the one I like best so far is Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, M.D.,F.I.C.S.. For me that book just made a lot of sense.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#47305 - 07/03/06 03:12 AM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Hauser,

John Grisham wrote a Time To Kill and it never made it out of his home town regarding sales. It took him three years to write it. He did not give up and he kept writing and later published another book The Firm and he broke into national sales and a movie deal.

A man had so many failed businesses the banks told him to quit trying. He did not quit and tried again, that man started Popeyes Chicken.

Don't give up

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#47306 - 07/03/06 04:41 PM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
DimitriX Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/20/06
Posts: 12
Hello,

First, let me start by saying that you can overcome this. You can get better. And, there are many people out there who can help you.

Second, I would recommend that you continue to see your therapist. It sounds like you haven't actually talked to her about what happened to you. The next time you go to see her tell her as much as you feel comfortable with. She can't help you if she doesn't know the full truth. And, after telling her, she still can't help you, then ask for a referral to another therapist that has experience with male sexual abuse. You need help, you deserve help, and there are people out there who can help you and want to.

Third, if your financial situation can stand it, then I would recommend taking exactly one week off from looking for another job. I hate looking for a job too, so I can totally sympathize with how draining it can be. But, you also don't want to sit around the house with nothing to do but stew in your own pain. So, take a planned week off. Make sure that each day is filled with activities that keep you busy. Don't even think about looking for a job. And then a week later, start up again.

Remember, thousands, if not millions, of people have gone through what you've gone through, felt what you're feeling. They've gotten through it and so can you.


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#47307 - 07/03/06 05:07 PM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
My T and I have had our discussions about this. I now, (with the help of a very good friend here), have figured out exactly why I have this self-image problem. I would elaborate on why I feel this way here and now but I'm not ready to share that yet, perhaps some day soon.

My employment status:

I've always been "employed". I've always had a job, but I've never had a living. All I've ever worked were low-wage service jobs, because that was all I could handle. Now that I'm trying to recover from SA, I've been saying to myself, "What the HELL am I doing being a short-order cook at 37?"

So, here I am trying to change careers in midlife and with only some formal job training and no on-the-job-experience, combined with a life of social isolation that has led me to not know any influential people that might be able to offer me a position in their company on the basis of simply knowing me and how pleasant I could be to work with. It's a bitch to convince someone that you have potential when you've never shown it your whole life.

I am not taking a break, I'm going to keep applying and dropping off resumes, I've waited too long to get my life on track already, I've got some catching up to do.


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#47308 - 07/04/06 01:33 PM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
abcdefghijklm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/06/06
Posts: 21
Loc: UK
Hi Hauser.

Please do just ignore this if it isn't relevant to your situation.

I know about the sense of urgency you express about getting your life on track and catching up. I feel this myself. I'm nearly your age and I look back on my life and am aware that I haven't "got anywhere".

But I also think that in a sense there isn't anywhere to get in life. Life leads to death, just as much for those who've "got on", "got ahead", are "going places" as for people like me.

So then I think I don't want to waste the time remaining trying to match up or catch up. I want to know who I am, what I can do and what I want to do. I want to enjoy the bits of life I can enjoy. I don't want to try to live a life I can't.

I guess I'm sort of saying that I don't get a feeling from your posts about what it is you want, what kind of job you really want; just a feeling of your sense of urgency about getting on with life.

Maybe the kind of jobs you're applying for aren't right for you. They might've been right for the person you would've been, if things had been different.

You've survived, you're moving on. That doesn't mean you've got to try to get what you would've or should've had, applying for jobs from people who won't see where your coming from, getting rejected, letting these people hurt you.

Maybe you should think about where you'd really want to work, what kind of people you want to work with, what kind of people will see your value and respect you for it; and maybe you need to think about making a smaller step, but a step that's really right for you. That step can turn out to be a first step on the way to somewhere you hadn't imagined you might go.

As I say, do ignore this (and accept my apologies) if it's not relevant. I guess I'm really giving advice to myself, so it may be completely up the wrong tree.

Best wishes, Tom.


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#47309 - 07/10/06 09:18 AM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
lacansletter Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/04/05
Posts: 67
Loc: St.Petersburg, FL
Hauser,
This thread seems to have ranged far and wide but I would like to address the original post. In the beginning, I was seeing a T that honestly looked terrified to be dealing w/ this issue of CSA. It was way over his head/ A friend I met at SNAP convinced me to see his T, a woman. I was totally against it but agreed to 1 session. It was the best thing I could have done. She has helped me so much, don't think I could be where I am today without her.

Second, job searching does suck. Rated by a study I read right at the top along w/ getting married and moving. But I see that you are not going to take a break. good for you. Even though it can be hard on the self esteem issue, If you can make yourself push and get a job, this may end up being a great confidence builder that could help you take on the harder task of confronting your CSA. Good luck.

"Your perseverance is your indication of your faith in yourself." Brian Tracy

_________________________
"The only Zen you find on the mountain top is the Zen that you bring with you" Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig

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#47310 - 07/10/06 09:18 AM Re: I'm not a survivor, I'm a victim.
lacansletter Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/04/05
Posts: 67
Loc: St.Petersburg, FL
Hauser,
This thread seems to have ranged far and wide but I would like to address the original post. In the beginning, I was seeing a T that honestly looked terrified to be dealing w/ this issue of CSA. It was way over his head/ A friend I met at SNAP convinced me to see his T, a woman. I was totally against it but agreed to 1 session. It was the best thing I could have done. She has helped me so much, don't think I could be where I am today without her.

Second, job searching does suck. Rated by a study I read right at the top along w/ getting married and moving. But I see that you are not going to take a break. good for you. Even though it can be hard on the self esteem issue, If you can make yourself push and get a job, this may end up being a great confidence builder that could help you take on the harder task of confronting your CSA. Good luck.

"Your perseverance is your indication of your faith in yourself." Brian Tracy

_________________________
"The only Zen you find on the mountain top is the Zen that you bring with you" Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig

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