Hi my name is Mike

I have read a lot of stories from this Website and I just have to start by saying I can't imagine some of pain and suffering you have endured compared to my story however I need some help. I will try to keep my story short.

When I was a kid around 8 years old a friend invited me to sleep over at his house. Once I was there he invited me to sleep in his bed with him. Once in his bed he got me in a headlock, wrapped his legs around me and started rubbing himself against me. He then started kissing me and then started rubbing my chest saying that we were just playing house and to imagine rubbing your wifes breasts. At that moment as he was rubbing me I imagined that I had a breast. He finally stopped saying "fine if you don't want to do this then just forget about it. We both then fell asleep and the next morning I woke up feeling surreal and very shameful and disturbed about the whole thing.

I also remember going to another friends house and this time I suggested playing house and I kissed him for about 15 seconds until I felt this was the wrong thing to do. I remember going up to the first friend and telling him we played house. His older brother called me a fag and said don't hang around him anymore.

That fall my older sister had said to my mother that a French teacher was molesting kids at my grade school. I remember thinking thats what happened to me. One day at school while in the bathroom I was feeling something along the lines of paranoia and I said to the French teacher you molested me. He said "what", got all the other kids out of the bathroom then proceeded to say "How did I molest you", I then recanted my experience with my first friend except substituting the French teacher in it at which point he got very angry. He said did your sister say anything?? I did not know at the time that he had fondled my sister in a previous year and was worried I found out about this. He then started to, fully clothed, hump me from behind, started rubbing me and saying "is this what you like", "you want to be molested". Then when he finished doing that he unbuckled his belt and said "do you want to suck on this"?? I said "no" and he said "get up, if you ever tell anyone about this I know where you live and will sneak into your house and kill your mother, your father, your sister, and you". I changed grade schools the next year and this French teacher was fired because 2 girls had come forward that they had been molested by him.

I have to say that these experiences had left me feeling that I might be a homosexual of some kind.

The years passed and I totally forgot about these experiences until I had a girlfriend in first year University. I started have nightmares and we broke up. Then a friend of mine when I was 22 said to me "you must be gay and that 2 other friends thought I was also. This disturbed me alot and I started to, to test if I was gay, imagine homosexual acts just before I went to bed. I remember feeling discusted and at the same time thinking "is this who I am"?? This went on for a few months until I met another girlfriend and the homomsexual thoughts started to disappear. We had great times together for 12 years until we broke up 9 months ago.

The instant we broke up on the telephone as soon as I hung up the telephone I had a visual image of someone forcing their penis into my mouth and I just lost it. I have been off work for 9 months and these homosexual images come to me from time to time that makes me want to kill myself. I also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that makes things more difficult.

Can anyone relate to this. The Obsessive Compulsive Disorder I can handle its the torment of the homosexual thinking that I can't take much longer. I think of going to a Hotel and drinking Antifreeze to end my problems.

Does this mean I'm gay or do I just torture myself. I feel dirty after I think of them and along with depression this has affected my whole life to the point that I have been off of work for a 9 month time frame.

Thank you all for listening.

Mike

Hi Mike,
Thank you for sharing. I could relate to all the feelings and fears
you spoke of. Are you currently speaking to a therapist about
these traumas? Were you professionally diagnosed with OCD?
Has post traumatic stress disorder been applied to your
experience?
I felt I was being made into a woman and that
was why things happened to me. From my perspective as a child. My mother thought I was 'pretty' too. so I have all kinds of confusion surrounding my sexuality. I too have behaved in ways that i feel shamefull and confused about.
these occurences must be about me and a mistake in my body.
Wishing I were dead is an old feeling. I now know my suicidal
feelings were a mix of pain and murderous rage. It wasn't in me
to kill someone, but the impulse was still there. I was
convinced that no one really cared and what happened to me so I
should be the one to die.The confusions and distortions and fears
my perpetrators left me with have impacted my whole life. I
know a lot of things differently as an adult, but the wounded boy
in me is still confused, fearful and full of thought distortions and
fear and he needs and deserves a lot of attention. I'm the only
one who can care for him now, and I am still learning how to do that.
Feeling that my experience was not as bad as
anyone elses is an other way that I diminish my own significance
What I have learned is to not compare my pain to other's pain.
each of our experiences is unique in some ways and universal in
other ways, but our pain is our pain.
Your sharing here has helped me again to feel not so alone.

[ 06-18-2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

Thanks for replying RJD

To answer some of your questions, Yes I am seeing professional help and Yes I have been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and as my shrink puts it a little be of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was hospilized twice for suicidal thoughts and actions.

I am beginning to realize that they have not been a big help except for the medications I take. I also see a Phycology intern who thinks it would be a good idea to look at Gay Pornography to ease my fears or desensitize me to it. In reading these stories on this Website I get the impression that a lot of abuse survivors start looking at Gay Pornography as some sort of after effect of the abuse they endured. This leads me to believe that they are not specialists in this area and are giving me bad advice which I don't think I can take much more of.


Mike

I would trust your gut on that. Have you looked elswhere?
-------- RJD

[ 06-18-2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

Mike,

I hope that you got my private message. Hang in there buddy! Hey, I guess I had better let you know that I am religious but I hope that doesn't but a kink in our talking.

Even though I always felt heterosexual, I too was haunted by homosexual desire. Finally went on a date with gay friend and was shocked to find out how hetero I was. I felt bad for the poor guy. This might not apply to you, but for me, the pedophile was the only person who made me feel loved and this feeling of love combined with the sex that I didn't really feel comfortable with confused me. Anyway I would suggest not being afraid of who you are. If you are gay, so what! As long as you are not a predator you have a right to be happy.

Stephan