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#471246 - 10/14/14 05:08 PM Whats the process
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 76
Loc: southeast
I started by asking the question....i suppose its for anyone, but..please advise if able.

I have been nearly one and a half years sober from alcohol(3 year binge), compulsive use of masturbation/pornography to numb, sex with anyone or anything, avoidance of fantasy, all numbing agents have ceased for this period of time. i have not used any form of sleep aid....but the anxiety still hangs on...don't know if it is from the fact that my wife is still not processing any of the harm i have done....i am living the amends now regarding my acting out,,,realizing the emotions must surface....but how dog on long does it take for a spouse to give ina little???? its not like i get badgered every day...its just theres no smile, no encouragement and not much communication or willingness to do much of anything that i think i need from her. i am emplyed full time, she is a stay home mom...i go to celebrate recovery meetings, have a couple of sponsees, read, pray, meditate, also attend saa meetings. she is a Christian woman. yes i have taken her thru the mud before(never physically assaulted her, never flaunted my acting out) , but not like this last time....I just want a little sign that there is some hope of restoration, yet there is s little now....perhaps i am in a holding pattern to let things soak in....the damage i've done to the marriage, but IT WAS NOT ME who hurt her....it was a diseased me...but the real me never ever intended to go down that road. i understand it hurt her, but how on earth can she ever come to understand that it was not what i wanted to DO TO HER TO HURT HER....i was harming myself.?? living alone in my bedroom without what i had in the early years of marriage(30 years, 4 children) is difficult....to absorb the loss i created....its tough. I have accepted myself, made corrections where i can, forgiven myself, take on the fact that i did wrong; prayed, repented, bringing every though captive, etc.Prayers would be great. similar experience advice would be invaluable. thanks for listening.

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#471307 - 10/15/14 08:23 PM Re: Whats the process [Re: freeze-on]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
dear freeze on

I erased my post by accident I too was married,(25 years) 4 kids,
2 in college. Sober 3 years. She threw me out.

The book warns us we will be judged by actions, not intentions.
I neede l ove. She told me she washed my socks
So my experience is God is nlt sufficient to turn her
heart. Although you have to give her time. If she is
you have to cojfrojt n]her. If you have needs you
mwork wusd t express them. Either she will work with
or not. And get on with your life.

May He Bless and keep you.


Edited by genedebs (10/15/14 08:47 PM)
Edit Reason: stroke

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#471311 - 10/16/14 05:49 AM Re: Whats the process [Re: freeze-on]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
freeze-on -

First off – well done on your multi-issue sobriety! That is a really admirable achievement. And my sympathy on the sleep problems. That is miserable. Even worse is probly the fact that your wife is not showing any understanding or encouragement. I can say that I have been in that situation, too – and it is stressful and difficult and painful. Fortunately, we are no longer stuck there.

It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things. Getting off the addictions is great. Holding down a job is good. Attending the CR meetings has got to be positive (i did that too and found it very helpful). “living the amends” is the right thing to do. Having sponsors is helpful. Reading, praying, meditating – all excellent practices and habits. I commend you for the effort and perseverance and sheer hard work that you have put in to get where you are now. It also sounds like you have a pretty good and consistent track record since you have begun your work.

It has got to be very frustrating and discouraging not to be met part-way by your wife. The “wait and see” attitude can’t go on forever without some acknowledgement of progress. I don’t have a formula or “process” as you put it – that will guarantee the outcome you want. I can give you the hope that things will change for your relationship as it did in mine/ours.

What worked for us? As you have said – she is a Christian woman – so that was a plus. She wanted me to change – and I started to – which was good – but also disorienting to her as it required some corresponding adjustment from her – and she was not sure how to do that.

We needed counseling as a couple to make it work. I would go once a week to my T and for a few months, we would also go together. It was scary for me at first – because I was afraid of losing my T as a supporter and advocate – but he did a great job of maintaining his loyalty to me – and also being fair and balanced with her. She discovered that there were changes she would have to make – including letting go of her sense of resentment and blame against me for being the “problem.” She needed to forgive and make some changes in herself and how she related, including her self-righteousness and pretense of not having contributed in any way to our dysfunctional marriage. She had to assume some responsibility for working with me to change “us.”

We had to do a LOT of communicating – much of it facilitated by the T. We both journalled and shared. We both had some apologizing to do – and some forgiveness to ask and give. It took time and humility and hard work.

We made it. neither of us is perfect – we still have problems – but we are still working on it and still making progress. I can’t offer this as advice – just our experience. And there are no guarantees. But I believe there is hope.

I am praying for you both.
PM me if you want to.
Lee


Edited by traveler (10/16/14 05:52 AM)
Edit Reason: sp
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#471354 - 10/17/14 12:46 PM Re: Whats the process [Re: freeze-on]
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 76
Loc: southeast
Thanks guys for the insight and sharing. It means an enormous amount for reaching out. I will survive. No other choice. I've made it this far by grace and by that I will make it .

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