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#47039 - 05/16/05 11:22 PM Empty
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
Well I been working realy hard in my Job! And I enjoy it, its rewarding and pleasing, challening but not taxing. My Class is great, they are a fanstic bunch of kids (year2==> 6-7 yr olds).

I am still doing working with the sea scout group, and taking them Boating on the weekends, witch is great, getting to play with 40 horsepower speed boats, zooming up and down the River Theames.

My girlfriend is super, very paronioed thou. But she good. (She doesnt know about the SA thou - Know one knows still!!

Everything would seem perfect on the surface, this is the perfect life, but yet I am not happy. But on the other hand I am not sad. Then today on the walk home in the rain. I relized what this feeling is... It is Emptyness!! I am EMPTY!! But Why?? What is making me Empty?? Am I realy an "Emotion-less Engery sucking Vampia"?? Like my friends describe me as.

The only time I feel anything anymore is when I am in a Mosh Pit!! My realsea, all my anger, all my hate, all the happyness, all the sadness turned into knocking and being knocked about in a pit!

I have my tickets for this years DOWNLOAD FESTIVAL!! 3days of pure Metal and Gothness. Shit loads of great bands playing again this year. Just a real shame KoRn arent playing again, they where fucking great last year! But at least it will hopefuly allow me to charge up.

Also next Monday I have a ticket for A7X-(Averger Sevenfold). They are good!! Adema are touring at the end of the year, they are always good for a mosh, and hopefuly SmileEmptySoul will tour the UK some time this year!

Ummm...SmileEmptySoul...Kinda brings me back to the topic! Empty...not emotional, showing none at all. I have lost all my emotions and cant find them. I turned them off years ago, when it got to hard to deal with them, now i am cold. How do I start to feel again! Should I be a "Smile-ing-Goth" or Just leave them off, and remain where I am.

Evolution has taken me to this place, and for a while i was happy, on the inside, smiling on the inside, but now, now I am going throught the motions of each day, not realy caring, but then not not caring, cause when it comes to my kids(My Class) I care about them all, and want them all to be happy. But I dont know...I cant think of the words, I dont know....I just feel EMPTY!

_________________________
If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!

DISTUBED VISIONS OF AN UNDERWORLD!!

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#47040 - 05/17/05 01:48 AM Re: Empty
demonboi Offline
Member

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 228
Loc: East Coast


_________________________
Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion

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#47041 - 05/17/05 11:35 PM Re: Empty
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Little_E

When you go to Download, make sure you watch Sabbath on the main stage (might be one of the last times they play here). Listen to Iron Man - could be about us (though it's not)...Is he live or dead (one of my favourite songs & one we always have a laugh to when I go to Trillions Rock Bar in Newcastle)... der der der der der de de de de der der der der der (with a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale in hand).

Empty feeling - yeh still get that. Now have too many emotions after telling friends. Download will do you good - go and have a bloody good time. I'm going as well with one of my friends (he's off Ark 2, where I am off the original one that Noah was on).

Don't miss Motorhead either, Velvet Revolver have had cracking reviews & there's plenty of up & coming new bands scattered around the other stages. My general rule is - main stage = crap, investigate another stage you don't know what you'll find. At Leeds a few years ago we walked away from Enimem & found Hell is For Heroes - something to thank him for.

Enjoy yourself.

Question - is there not one of your friends that you feel safe confiding in yet? It's made a hell of a difference to me after decades of self torture? Your choice though - don't do anything you don't want to do.

You can't turn your emotions on, but a good band is better than a hell of a lot of other things!

Best wishes ..Rik

*Really pleased you job is going well - there is hope see!

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#47042 - 05/18/05 04:05 AM Re: Empty
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
Turning off our emotions and feelings is one of the most common issues that survivors deal with.

Simply realizing this in yourself indicates you are probably farther along the recovery journey than you may have thought.

Finding those buried emotions and learning to feel is no easy task however and we all discover our own way to some degree.

For me a really big step was realizing that it was not only OK, but it was a good and healthy thing to make the choices and decisions in my life that I wanted to make, rather than what others wanted me to do, or more importantly, what I believed others wanted me to do, say, think, and feel.

Once I started making choices for me, I began to experience feelings and emotions and consequenses related to my choices.

While it was a long process and continues even now...for me...realizing that I had not only buried my emotions, but had also forfeited my right to make my own choices, was a major turning point in my life.

I could not make myself feel, but I could make myself choose....and that helped me start down that road.....

My best to you....
Brent

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

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#47043 - 05/18/05 05:16 AM Re: Empty
cpt. confusion Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 159
Loc: midwest
Hey little E,

man i can relate to the feeling of emptiness, or the lack of emotion. something I struggle with as well, and i know what it is to desperately want to feel. Alot of times I use music to help me to feel. I thought it was kinda ironic that in the same post of feelings of emptiness you talk about going to the Download Festival... I only say that because I am also a big music fan, and I think that it helps me to feel, whether it be angry music, calming, or sad, or happy, or whatever, it makes me feel, it wells something up inside me and I feel as though my soul is being piured out for me by certain artists... or certain types of music. I have a different type for just about every mood \:\) .
I did want to comment that I am quite jealous that you get to go to that festival! there are a ton of great bands on teh line up, and no chance for me to go, partly because I live in the U.S. I know here right now Jam Band festivals are very popular, but there arent really any big metal festivals that come around... smaller tours, yes, but nothing liek that! Some artists I would recommend, or that I am jealous that you will get to see : Black Sabbath, Anthrax, System of a Down, Slayer, Meshuggah, Lamb of God, MC5,Dresden Dolls, and mostly Henry Rollins! (those are just to name a few). I dont know if you know much about henry rollins, but he is simply amazing, even though he is doing his spoken word, trust me its amazing, he sees the world through very realistic eys, and although blunt at times, hes brilliant. but anyway, have a great time at the show, should be a TON of fun!

Take Care,
cpt.

_________________________
"Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use."
-Carlos Castaneda

*WoR Alum
Sequoia I-March '11
Alta II, September '11

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