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#470386 - 09/23/14 04:41 PM Just a journal type post to express some thoughts
lostc Offline


Registered: 08/12/14
Posts: 83
So this is just to get out some thoughts I've been thinking about. I always wonder about if I what I want to post about is important enough to post about, but I guess it won't do any harm to post. It may be a bit of a ramble so bear in mind.


Edited by lostc (10/17/14 01:00 PM)

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#471355 - 10/17/14 01:04 PM Re: Just a journal type post to express some thoughts [Re: lostc]
lostc Offline


Registered: 08/12/14
Posts: 83
Feel so angry right now at the one woman who abused me, I hate that she was an influence in my life and manipulated who I was and should have been. Hated that she made me her sexual plaything and showed pictures of me to her friend(s). Not much that I can do, though I know I could make as if I've told child protection services about what she did and that she has her own children and say that she should expect them. Fuck her and her kind! Fuck her!

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#472463 - 11/13/14 11:07 AM Re: Just a journal type post to express some thoughts [Re: lostc]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2484
Loc: TEXAS
Lostc,

Texas greetings, my fraternal brother.

I sure can understand your feelings about incest, about your "mom" abusing you.

Yep! one woman that was abusing you had sort of preprogramed how your life was going to be.

Mine sure did, for all of my adult life. My "mom" taught her gay young son how to hate & fear all females.
She was abusing me emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually. Like you i was her plaything. However she never took pictures & showed them around.

At 8 years old as she was beating & berating me, i always told her that i wished that she was dead.
At the same time a male figure came into my life. Someone who knew all about me. He worked at my half aunts restaurant. A place where i spent most of my time. He became the parent(s) that i never had. He was kind & gentle & took a great interest in this young boy.
He never beat me, berate me, never told me that i was useless, worthless, never told me that i was unwanted.
He gave me his love, attention & pleasure. I became his sexual partner. I had adopted him as my parent(s). I loved him & he loved me. He gave me pleasure & love. I gave him my body willingly as that 8 year old boy. He and i were together for 6 years off and on. I liked what he was doing to me. Always went back for more. Even to the point of instigating it.
He became a huge part of my life & i'm 75 years old. It has been only recently that i realised what he did to me was wrong.

How could me loving him have been so wrong? After all this young boy had made a choice in order to survive things happening to him that he could never understand, comprehend & have any control over.
The same with my "mom", except i never wanted to be around her as much as possable. Those beatings were taking it's toll on her young boy along with the emotional & mental toll.

So, as that boy getting nothing but hate, beatings, etc made the decision.
Nothing but pain, hate & fear from a female, "mom."
Versus love, being wanted, never beating or berating, gave me attention & great pleasure by Ralph. He chose Ralph & he was with me all of my adult life especially when it came to sex.
This gay boy/man got married & in any sexual encounters with my wife, Ralph was there, and not her. Whenever i masturbated in my life, Ralph was there. Whenever i watched gay porn those actors wern't there, it was Ralph & me.

So both of them sort had preprogramed my life as a young boy, now a man.
Now in therapy these last 6 years i've had to try & face the reality of it all.
As i progress i've had to rewire my brain, heart, mind, body & soul.
It ain't easy by any means. But we have to take our life back no matter how old when it all comes back.

It's been a long war within myself, i've won some battles & lost some battles. As i grow in healing & get to know and understand that young boy within me we win more & more.

Yes, Sir, anger, hate, fear & anxities play a big roll in our recovery. Regular T sessions, week ends of recovery in MS, our brothers here are a great help on my road to recovery, lostc.

Keep expressing those thoughts, the more you do, the more you find yourself & regain your power from those whom have abused you.

So, my fraternal brother lostc, i wish you well on your road to recovery. You have a lot of company to help you in any way possable.
Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#472570 - 11/15/14 02:23 PM Re: Just a journal type post to express some thoughts [Re: lostc]
lostc Offline


Registered: 08/12/14
Posts: 83
Hi Peter, thank you very much for the detailed reply and sharing all that. I am so sorry that you had to go through all that, that is horrible. You might have gotten the wrong picture slightly from what I wrote, but it wasn't my mom I was writing about, it was an unrelated woman who did those things, but my sister did also abuse me when I was a kid.

For some reason I've always felt safe with females rather then feeling the opposite way which usually seems to happen after these things have happened to other people. I'm far younger than you but I've felt like 300 years old mentally for a long time, plus I enjoy old fashioned things so I'd probably make a better old man then who I actually am lol.

That really was terrible what you went through noone deserves that, even if at the time you enjoyed most or all of it. I felt the same with that woman, and made up excuses for her whenever she did something bad or that hurt me, and forgave her for anything she did no matter how bad.

Thank you for all the insight and advice. Lately I've been having a really rough patch, struggling to hang on and not give up. I don't know whats going to happen, but in any case these realizations that it seems that I was abused has helped at least to explain a lot of things about how and why my life always has been so hard/unhappy etc.

I'm glad that it sounds like you have been and are making progress and recovering, you deserve that.

I find it quite hard to open up and write about these things "publicly", but I do when I feel that I can. Thank you for the kind words and help, I appreciate it. I hope you get to where you want to be too. thank you

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#472576 - 11/15/14 05:27 PM Re: Just a journal type post to express some thoughts [Re: lostc]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2484
Loc: TEXAS
Lostc,,

Please accept my apology to you & your mom for assuming it was her.
I read something that wasn't there.

Sorry & please forgive me if you can.

Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#472584 - 11/16/14 04:23 AM Re: Just a journal type post to express some thoughts [Re: lostc]
lostc Offline


Registered: 08/12/14
Posts: 83
No problem Peter, its totally fine I understand it was just a simple mistake, no hard feelings at all no need to apologize, no harm done. Coincidentally though that woman who abused me was a lot like a mother figure to me or so I felt at the time.

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#476895 - 02/10/15 02:58 AM Re: Just a journal type post to express some thoughts [Re: lostc]
lostc Offline


Registered: 08/12/14
Posts: 83
Just an update; sort of confronted the one woman who abused me, I knew it probably was never a wonderful idea but I was in a phase of feeling more confident that it was abuse which happened. I thought maybe she'd admit it or admit that she did many wrong things or at least something. I emailed her asking if she realizes that she abused me, and she replied saying "No, but I'm sorry if you feel that way". Then many hours later she sent an email suddenly apparently not knowing who I am. I think she got worried that she could get in trouble with the law, and then tried to pretend she had no idea who I am. spoke about it with my therapist which helped a bit too. Felt dumb afterwards as I should have known it probably wasn't a great idea.

Still shifting constantly between accepting both periods were abuse and not being able to understand it or want to accept it. I survived the christmas season though, which I didn't think I would. regarding the first period I have been thinking about the age that the person was, and its become more and more obvious that at that age I would have known well that you don't do sexual things with kids that are so much younger, and it would have been obvious how immature and young I was compared to that person. which makes it seem a lot more obvious that they should have known it was wrong. I still see this person all the time and its hard to understand that both people are the same person, because aside from this abuse they have always been so nice and kind etc. totally fucks with my head.

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#476954 - 02/10/15 06:49 PM Re: Just a journal type post to express some thoughts [Re: lostc]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 471
Loc: Ohio
She sounds like someone who knows she has done wrong and is trying to cover her tracks. Perhaps a small victory for you in that you are making her sweat. Now maybe the shoe is on the other foot and she is the one who is worried about what is next.
_________________________
Suisse et libre

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#477011 - 02/11/15 03:20 PM Re: Just a journal type post to express some thoughts [Re: lostc]
lostc Offline


Registered: 08/12/14
Posts: 83
thank you for your comment. I hope it has bothered her, I didn't want her to live the rest of her life without ever hearing from me again, there's not much I can do though. thank you

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#477119 - 02/13/15 12:41 PM Re: Just a journal type post to express some thoughts [Re: lostc]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 251
All I can say is that Lostoc is you are brave and strong man. You confronted her a let her know you know that takes strength and lots of self love and caring.
Take care and keep your head up and keep posting what ever you can and want.
Bluesky
_________________________
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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