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#47016 - 12/18/03 11:27 AM something good
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I had a great therapy session yesterday evening.

I started the day with a PM here that sort of pricked at parts of my thinking that don't like to be pricked at. That opened my mind a little.

In therapy I shared the poem that I posted here in the Poetry section. Its about a memory of when dissasociation occurred during a CSA episode.

I thought I had described that experience and the CSA for my therapist before but she said not. It was very hard to do. I felt a lot of shame and couldn't say anything at all for a while I felt so bad.

But then I closed my eyes (it is so hard to look her in the eye when I am talking to her anyway) and recounted it step by step to the best of my memory.

I started crying but then I started sobbing as I have not done in therapy before when I realized that all of the pain, the crying over the years was about this and the other CSA episodes and the physical and emotional abuse I experienced.

That was an extraordinary moment.

All these years I have experienced a great deal of emotional pain. It has been immobilizing at times. Sometimes I couldn't hold down a job. I abused alcohol and drugs and then became addicted. I sought out unhealthy sexual relationships and engaged in all sorts of compulsive behaviors including the use of p-rn and mast-rbation Often I couldn't complete things that I started. Relationships of all kinds have been very difficult to form and maintain. And I have treated myself as if I deserved no loving consideration.

During these years I have wrestled with the pain and tried to understand where it came from, why it was so intense. It seemed like something that was just part of me, an immutable trait of some kind, like a gene I was born with or a fate I could not avoid.

I have intellectually understood the sorts of things that CSA results in. Have understood in that way that I was not responsible for it. But did not begin to feel those things until yesterday.

I have begun to understand what the perps took from me, from the child that was me and the adult I might have been.

Though they leave living beings behind, they take lives.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#47017 - 12/18/03 11:42 AM Re: something good
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Brett,

Quote:
I have begun to understand what the perps took from me, from the child that was me and the adult I might have been.
What you are now is wonderful Brett. There are no coulda beens, shoulda beens or mighta beens. You are a super aware, sensitive, caring, honest adult male. Your perpetrator tried to steal something from your childhood, something you are quickly reclaiming. But something beautiful has come from it. You.
Although none of us would choose to be abused as children, fate decided that for us ... and I believe balances things by giving us the opportunity of greater insight into the human condition as adults.
It took every smile, every tear, every victory and every defeat to make us what we are, and what we are is more than good enough! Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#47018 - 12/18/03 12:26 PM Re: something good
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Brett,

More important than realizing what they took is starting to get it back. That's a significant thing, and you began this.

I am so happy for you. And when you get a second, say "hi" to the "inner child" for me.

Peace, love, and healing,

Scot \:D

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#47019 - 12/18/03 01:10 PM Re: something good
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Quote:
...balances things by giving us the opportunity of greater insight into the human condition as adults...
Andrew,

This is undoubtedly true. I sense this is true. It is clear that I am especially aware and sensitive to my surroundings. Partly that was developed early on to survey the battlefield before wandering out on it.

What I didn't know for the longest time and what you point out is that the CSA contributed greatly to that sensitivity.

I am hoping that eventually I will find a creative and useful outlet for that instead of turning the intensity of it inward, containing it, controlling it.

Scot, I have relayed your greetings to "little Brett" as I like to call him. At the end of yesterday's session, my therapist talked me through putting him in a safe place. Since she will be gone until sometime next month, I think I will be keeping him there.

I think I am actually experiencing some joy today. I barely recognize it, it has been so long away.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#47020 - 12/18/03 02:44 PM Re: something good
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Dear Brett,

I am happy for you. You work so hard at overcoming the abuse, it makes me glad to know that you are getting some of the good things that you so richly deserve.

Thanks for sharing it all, the pain and the joy, with me.

Your brother,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#47021 - 12/18/03 03:12 PM Re: something good
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Danny,

It was fully my intent when I joined MS to share my successes along with my frustrations. I was amazed to find such a place as this as there never was in my life anything like it.

For me, the key to recovery has been finding the right therapist at the right time.

I am fully aware, however, that also having the right health insurance and the right community resources and attitudes at the right time have also been essential.

This country's mental health treatment resources are inadequate and too often inaccessible. Its no wonder so many men here suffer so badly. It has to be very hard to want recovery so badly with little support in the community around you (outside of MS) for it.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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