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#470004 - 09/13/14 09:51 PM So ok I bean trying to heal..
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 117
Loc: california
Let me just put like this what would you guys. Conclude 2 1/2 ago hrs. I was drinking with my homosexual cousin iam straight we grow up together so where close I was drinking hard liquor I got really drunk I end up laying on my bed where he already was I remember in a playing around way told him to sucks my penis... I laughed he was serious he said he would and started going down on me I was confused like no other times in my life I was getting a man's mouth on my penis not only a man but my cousin those confusing thoughts left me and let the liquor take over the situation I was ashamed instantly I was mad at my self but again liquor kicked in I started to masterbate him.. That really spun my whole world around next day I felt really pathetic the next morning ever since I been confused and mad at my self for doing that or even go along with the whole thing I was digested at my actions lIke masterbated him and I really been angry at my self since then I don't know how that happened and why is it becouse I was sexually abused I felt horrible and still am ever since that nite I lost my man hood or should I say abused feeling again I lost confidence I haven't dated or had sex since then it's destroying me I shouldn't ever gone along with that i told him for a few months he raped me... He just laughed and tells me I started it all iam all sick in the head about this sickness why did I do that with a cousin who is gay and full grown man 29yrs. That day.. please respond and thank you.. for reading I want to get better iam straight but the fact that I held a man's penis on my hand or should I say my cousins. I'm still really pissed off at him but I still hang out with him but made sure to let him know that he was a sick mother fr for doing that to me and that would be the last time or else I would have to report it to the family or police.... Smh Was this another case of rape or I don't know I can't figure it out.. please help iam not curious never been I just went along like I was pleasing a woman..
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BertG777

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#470032 - 09/14/14 06:18 PM Re: So ok I bean trying to heal.. [Re: forgive777]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 284
set backs are all apart of reliving the abuse. i had wondered for years if I was gay. I was not i was simply conditioned and brain washed. As painful as the expericence was it does not reflex on who you are. it simple means you have learned something and more work needs to be done. i think it is simple a setback that is also and opportunity for understanding.

The conditioning you went thru while being abuse simply kicked in again and now you know you have to work on it.

don't be too discoouraged although i do understand how you feel.

Don't let this set back take you down to much. it happens and can be considered part of the awarness stage of recovery in my opinion.

rich
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Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#470070 - Yesterday at 05:24 PM Re: So ok I bean trying to heal.. [Re: forgive777]
forgive777 Offline


Registered: 05/18/13
Posts: 117
Loc: california
Thanks Rich it's just weird stuff. I never thought I would of gone thru a Homosexual act as a grown man, but I know it wasn't me and was really thinking of my abuse that i was thinking about during that time. That's why iam all messed up sexually rite now I been with nothing but women and never a male til my cousin. I hate my cousin but for some reason I hold no grudge he's freaking disgusting I have a feelin he was planning this.. Smh
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BertG777

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