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#469322 - 08/24/14 07:32 PM The Butterfly Effect
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
The 2004 film, I once had it on DVD, "The Butterfly Effect", at some point I threw it in the bin due to triggers (although at the start I think it was a helpful film for me). That film speaks to me a lot on many levels, it is one of the most intense. There is another film that I avoid like the plague- called "Mysterious Skin". I can't remember much about that film or why it triggered me so much, just that I shouldn't have watched it at that point in my recovery.

The Butterfly Effect. I threw the DVD away (and also blanked out that I threw it away but I remember now that I did throw it away). But even just seeing the title of the film on the TV Guide on my TV is enough to trigger me. I saw it the other day and removed my mind. But modern TV always puts things in repeat- so now I see it is on TV again tonight and now I can't avoid it so easily, as if I am being drawn towards it.

I think to myself- when I get this feeling inside myself- what do I do? do I watch the film? some kind of confrontation therapy, do I avoid the film? ignore it, or do I try to think about what the feeling is that I have about the film? In truth I feel I have done enough thinking, so really the right response for me right now is to not get caught up in the emotions that I have already worked through on numerous occasions. I truly don't know what emotion it puts in me. It is almost like seeing the title of the film tells me- "Hey, by the way- do you realise that there is a shelf over in that corner of the room with stuff on it?" but it doesn't tell me anything about the stuff. And part of me becomes alert and wanting of knowledge because that shelf seems very significant and is just our of reach. Like a big red flashing light sitting on that shelf. And i know I can be mesmerised by that light and part of me wants to be, to try to understand it better.

It is on TV now, in the background as I write this post. What does it make me feel? Intense feelings. Like I should pounce into action. Do something. Maybe that is why this film rings with me so much- he does do something in this film. He goes back.

I knew putting this film on in the background wouldn't be good for me, but I had to do it. Now the feeling I have is to go away and isolate myself from people because the people who hurt me were close to me. Mostly I have had this one memory in my thoughts for the past few weeks. And I keep thinking about it, and I can't remember certain aspects of it. I have written about it many times because it is so prominent and clear in my mind. Except for some important things. But i think i need to do something. I have a book where i make some notes. Maybe i need to make some more notes.

But right now i need to turn this film off. Because it definitely doesn't help. Or maybe it does. Maybe it does help.

You know what it is- I'm getting close to another point in my life. I've confronted people before. I think i will confront again. But i must wait for the right time. I do need to do it. I need all the answers.
_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#469324 - 08/24/14 08:16 PM Re: The Butterfly Effect [Re: king tut]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
very interesting.
I may have to watch this film again...
to see what you mean.
I totally agree with you about
"mysterious skin".
once was too often: viewing that movie.
I don't recall any triggers from butterfly effect however.
now that you mention it... I vaguely recall some element of CSA...
was it Ashton k's girlfriend
that was being abused?
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#469329 - 08/24/14 09:05 PM Re: The Butterfly Effect [Re: victor-victim]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
King Tut - It's truly good to see a message from you.

I have an Italian movie named The Butterfly. It's about a boy in Italy. It's more of a personal journey. Certainly it must be different from the one you describe. I'll try to find the Butterfly Effect. There is a keyword, Monarch, which usually used to refer to a butterfly. Now the word sometimes refers to mind control.

I have previously written several posts on movies I watch because they seem to key into what I have, a depersonalization disorder. They give me pictures of what I must have been like as a boy and so they have a powerful effect on me. The effect is usually beneficial, but actually I carefully choose the movie. I have watched Mysterious Skin a couple of times. I don't have the same deep reaction to it that others do. I'm not sure whether that's because of my defense mechanisms. The defense mechanisms are almost like the human bodies' defenses against disease. We secrete anti-bodies which null the effect of the foreign proteins.

A favorite film is Where Eskimos Live. Bob Hoskins had a major role in this. The boy was acted by Sergiuse Zymelka. The setting was in the Balkans during the war there. There are a few scenes which are possibly a bit too brutal. Overall the film is heartwarming.

Puffer


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#469434 - 08/28/14 12:00 AM Re: The Butterfly Effect [Re: king tut]
VASurvivor Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 49
Loc: Virginia
Well thank you. That movie has me a wreck right now - in a good way though.
_________________________
VASurvivor

I wasn't gay. I was abused and confused.

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#469478 - 08/28/14 11:48 PM Re: The Butterfly Effect [Re: king tut]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 133
I saw butterfly effect 2 years ago on DVD and I had to stop watching but put it back on and then off a few times. It it kicked up memory's in a bad way. I think it was the parts where he goes back and trys to change thing and cant they just get worse. It reminds me about how I wanted the past changed and was running but not away but in to it thinking that if I changed it it would all get better> I am learning that acceptance of my past and staying with it and not running is less painful less lonely. I think that the reason the film had such a pull is do to the part of all survivors revisiting trauma in order to some how change or make some kind of sens of it all. Kind of like why I used to be suck in porn and other ways of acting out.
Now I have learned I dont need to punish my self for the things that I did not do but what was done to me buy others.
Thanks for bringing this up this film has always bothered me but fascinated me at the same time.
_________________________
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#469503 - 08/30/14 12:54 AM Re: The Butterfly Effect [Re: bluesky]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Yes...Now I remember
I saw this a couple of years ago. I believe it relates heavily to what I've been through, but I'm still trying to figure it all out. Even that figures into the movie.

Puffer

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