The 2004 film, I once had it on DVD, "The Butterfly Effect", at some point I threw it in the bin due to triggers (although at the start I think it was a helpful film for me). That film speaks to me a lot on many levels, it is one of the most intense. There is another film that I avoid like the plague- called "Mysterious Skin". I can't remember much about that film or why it triggered me so much, just that I shouldn't have watched it at that point in my recovery.
The Butterfly Effect. I threw the DVD away (and also blanked out that I threw it away but I remember now that I did throw it away). But even just seeing the title of the film on the TV Guide on my TV is enough to trigger me. I saw it the other day and removed my mind. But modern TV always puts things in repeat- so now I see it is on TV again tonight and now I can't avoid it so easily, as if I am being drawn towards it.
I think to myself- when I get this feeling inside myself- what do I do? do I watch the film? some kind of confrontation therapy, do I avoid the film? ignore it, or do I try to think about what the feeling is that I have about the film? In truth I feel I have done enough thinking, so really the right response for me right now is to not get caught up in the emotions that I have already worked through on numerous occasions. I truly don't know what emotion it puts in me. It is almost like seeing the title of the film tells me- "Hey, by the way- do you realise that there is a shelf over in that corner of the room with stuff on it?" but it doesn't tell me anything about the stuff. And part of me becomes alert and wanting of knowledge because that shelf seems very significant and is just our of reach. Like a big red flashing light sitting on that shelf. And i know I can be mesmerised by that light and part of me wants to be, to try to understand it better.
It is on TV now, in the background as I write this post. What does it make me feel? Intense feelings. Like I should pounce into action. Do something. Maybe that is why this film rings with me so much- he does do something in this film. He goes back.
I knew putting this film on in the background wouldn't be good for me, but I had to do it. Now the feeling I have is to go away and isolate myself from people because the people who hurt me were close to me. Mostly I have had this one memory in my thoughts for the past few weeks. And I keep thinking about it, and I can't remember certain aspects of it. I have written about it many times because it is so prominent and clear in my mind. Except for some important things. But i think i need to do something. I have a book where i make some notes. Maybe i need to make some more notes.
But right now i need to turn this film off. Because it definitely doesn't help. Or maybe it does. Maybe it does help.
You know what it is- I'm getting close to another point in my life. I've confronted people before. I think i will confront again. But i must wait for the right time. I do need to do it. I need all the answers.
"...until lambs become lions"
I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.