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#469151 - 08/20/14 03:00 AM Little Boy Lost
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 412
Loc: west coast
I had been dating a great guy for almost the last 2 years, kinda hard to believe. Truly the man of my dreams sexually, emotionally and on a level of connection and love i did not even know i was capable of. My kids think he is great, and my ex adored him.
I know that it was not all me, but he pissed me off to the point that I just ran. No words like, hey i need a time out, or i can't speak right now i need to cool off, nope nothing.
Like that little boy who was overwhelmed by emotion and could never put into words just lash out.
To make it worse i broke up with him the next day, thinking i am making his life miserable and i love him too much to do that to him. I hate that sometimes what we think is reality is just not. Its part of the program for survivors.
I drove away thinking to myself, what the fuck did i just do? I drove myself away in my own Big Yellow Taxi.

I tried to mend fences but too late. Drama is not pretty and its not a way to sustain a relationship.

So I take from this that THE RUNNING HAS TO STOP. understand what voice is speaking and recognize when its that little boy, he can express himself and have his tantrums but he doesn't get to have the final say. The adult me does.

I remember my first therapy session thinking OMG what a snap this will be. Fuck!
Being in control of our little boy is so not easy, especially when we are overloaded emotionally. But the only we get to be kind to ourselves in the long run is understand we can have great compassion for his actions but it is not an excuse for letting him win. He wins, we lose.

Now I am working on forgiving myself and try to learn from the whole experience.
peace.

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#469158 - 08/20/14 08:57 AM Re: Little Boy Lost [Re: 1lifenow]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 818
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi 1lifenow,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this pain. The little kid in me ran my whole life of relationships. That part of me was very, very damaged. I've been single for 20 years now, and the little kid me is a lot healthier, and seems to be integrating as I have done a great deal of rage work over the years. I read in another post today that rage turns into fear if not expressed. It makes a lot of sense to me. I still have rage to work out, and do the work whenever it feels right. But, I am going back out into the world now after several years of being a hermit. And, I know the little kid me has the power to sabotage me if I am not careful and verbal.

Sending you love and support.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#469165 - 08/20/14 11:15 AM Re: Little Boy Lost [Re: 1lifenow]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 99
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
I also find that whenever I'm confronted with change in my adult life, the scared little boy inside me tries to sabotage my capacity to manage change with unhealthy behaviors-like binging on ssa internet porn and masturbation. Behaviors that risk the ability to manage change in a healthy and adult manner. It seems to me that this little boy just doesn't know how to handle change, and when confronted with change wants to avoid it by immersing itself into a cyber world that keeps me from living my reality.
_________________________
Jay

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#469183 - 08/20/14 05:52 PM Re: Little Boy Lost [Re: 1lifenow]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 162
Loc: SF Bay Area
Wow I REALLY feel this. That unpredictable mindset that overcomes you and says "running will fix this", you break off ties with someone or get out of a situation and then look back and go "what the hell just happened??" It's confusing to others and self-harming.

I've attributed such habits to a disconnect between the child inside and the adult intellect. The adult intellect can placate and soothe the child to a point, but at some point the child needs to vent and will throw a tantrum or something very much like it. The issue is that this is all occurring within one mind, one life! I can't claim to have found a fix (early days still) but I'm working on a new path of open communication between the intellect and the child and it feels positive. "We" can discuss problems and emotions before they result in real-life impacts, and move past them, because the child is irrational (yet emotionally tuned-in). The intellect has much to learn from the child; the misunderstood child will make its unhappiness known if the intellect doesn't try to learn.

When I realize how many of my external relationships have mirrored the lack of communication and emotional understanding within myself, the whole dynamic begins to change. I'm finally getting what people really MEAN when they talk about having to love yourself before you can love another.

Loving yourself, to me, means listening to your heart, listening to your mind, challenging perceptions, and taking the time and effort to better align the real world with our perceptions and emotional state.
_________________________
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

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#469209 - 08/21/14 10:30 AM Re: Little Boy Lost [Re: 1lifenow]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 99
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Wise words NoSimpleMachine

Up to now I've felt like there are two mees coexisting. One the adult that makes rational well thought out decisions and the irrational childlike one that is all about emotions and whose primal instinct is to avoid challenges and frustrations in life.

I haven't figure out how to get the two to talk to each other...yet!
_________________________
Jay

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#469291 - 08/23/14 02:12 AM Re: Little Boy Lost [Re: 1lifenow]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 412
Loc: west coast
thanks guys for responding it means a lot to me. I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past month and its remarkable how the shift can be. I am not trying to play the what if game i am just trying to learn lesson in life that others seemed to grasp so much sooner. I know that i have to be more in control and not let whims rule.

I have one last mea culpa card to play, it has to be honest and it has to be from the heart. Both integrated hearts. The boy that really does feel bad about what he has done despite not wanting to give an inch and the man who sees that hurt and pain are the symptoms of a deeper issue. It is the fear of commitment, of letting someone truly see you for all your warts and baggage. Trust vs protection.

again, your words mean much to me.
big wrap around hugz
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#469301 - 08/23/14 01:44 PM Re: Little Boy Lost [Re: 1lifenow]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 99
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
One of the side benefits of this quest to figure out the issues of csa has been learning that if one is going to be effective you have to be brutally honest with yourself. At the same time I've gradually learned to love myself as is....warts and all. I'm a human being, and as such we are all flawed.

I'm married, and I wanted to keep the "ugly" parts of me hidden from my wife. I don't think there has been anything more difficult than letting my wife see that inside me there is a wounded and scared little boy. Why? Because I thought of myself as the strong one, the one that had to protect my wife and family against all the vagaries of life. I feared that if she saw my weak and wounded self, she would think less of me. It didn't happen. Our relationship is stronger than ever.
_________________________
Jay

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#469474 - 08/28/14 10:24 PM Re: Little Boy Lost [Re: 1lifenow]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Hey 1lifenow

I'm truly sorry for your pain but it sounds like your younger self is still in control.

Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
So I take from this that THE RUNNING HAS TO STOP. understand what voice is speaking and recognize when its that little boy, he can express himself and have his tantrums but he doesn't get to have the final say. The adult me does.

...
Being in control of our little boy is so not easy, especially when we are overloaded emotionally. But the only we get to be kind to ourselves in the long run is understand we can have great compassion for his actions but it is not an excuse for letting him win. He wins, we lose.

Originally Posted By: don64
I know the little kid me has the power to sabotage me if I am not careful and verbal

Originally Posted By: Jay1946
little boy inside me tries to sabotage my capacity to manage change with unhealthy behaviors-like binging on ssa internet porn and masturbation

My little boy has ruled my life for over 40 years until 3-1/2 years ago. Then he came down on me with a tremendous body slam and at that moment my life turned dark. My shrink now has me medicated to the point of me not having any feelings at all and that's all because of that little shit. I don't want to communicate with him.

I don't know if we have to have any compassion to him at all, like you say he wins we lose. I have to mention that I still hold him responsible for the majority of what happened over a 10 year period in his short life. Because of this he shouldn't have any input at all in my adult life anymore. The adult has to have total control over that little child. If possible I would love to trash that little me so that he will never be able to exert any control over me again.

This might all sound very harsh but living with this ghost has made my days miserable with unhealthy behaviors-like trying to kill myself, cut myself and drink myself into a stupor too often and I still haven't been able to crawl out from under his control.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#469475 - 08/28/14 10:42 PM Re: Little Boy Lost [Re: 1lifenow]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1782
Remember that child within will control until we let the child be part of us. That child is only looking for us to accept him as part of us. How the child manifests himself will be different for each of us. Sometimes the child rules consciously and other times subconsciously. We need to let go and accept the child we let go so long ago because of the abuse. It is so difficult.

We all need to take control of our lives, to recognize we are whole and to let the abuser know he/she is no longer in charge.

Jeff talks of the ghost, we cannot let the ghost control our lives, it only sends us into the unknown world of stupors and unhealthy behaviors. I lived under the ghost, thought lost time was normal and part of life, but learned the ghost, my inner child was crying for help. Find the lost boy, embrace him and your life will change for the better. It is hard and for each of us it is a different process or event that reconnects us.

Kevin


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#469476 - 08/28/14 11:18 PM Re: Little Boy Lost [Re: 1lifenow]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1248
Loc: New York
Hey Kevin

I hear what you're saying but that little boy destroyed his own childhood and destroyed my life trying to get away from him and lead a normal life. The only cries for help was from me getting dragged under by my past - that ghost.

Originally Posted By: KMCINVA
...for each of us it is a different process or event that reconnects us

I'm not counting on that

Thanks for your optimism though, I do appreciate it.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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