Gee...I hope this makes sense...I'm really tired right now, but I really felt compelled to respond in light of the last reply...
Okay...I do not know much about psychology aside from a few classes and am not as experienced as many of the posters here (see my story if you like by clicking on my profile and viewing my oldes "recent posts"). For that matter, I am very much confused lots of times and have been down on myself and on many things too often. Sometimes I too feel like I want to just die (like you and the previous "reply" before me here), but one thing I do know is to NEVER give up.
I forget this sometimes and do sometimes get in ruts (like tonight before this post). Deep down though, I am a firm believer in "blessings in disguise"--but only if you make them. By this, I do not mean to say that our abuse have been blessings--the pain, the hurt, and the people who have "failed" are a testament to the wickedness of what happened to us. Still, I do believe that whatever faults we may have can be turned into strengths.
So, okay...what is the "worst" case scenario for you here...you may be making it up? Regardless, the problem still is the same: you are NOT where you want to be in your life. (incidentally, I personally am inclined to believe you, but all I am saying is not to let this new revelation from the "experts" worry you too much--trust me, psychology is a pseudoscience which still needs some work)
The REAL reason why I am writing here is that I want to ask you and the previous poster to please remember to keep looking up and focused on who it is you want to be. I think that everyone here-regardless of their story-is truly not where they want to be. The truth is that sometimes, the abused person's pain may or may not be because of the abuse. At times, it may almost be impossible to find out if the abuse ever even happened. Nonetheless, the overall problem is the same: we are NOT where we want to be in our lives.
While it certainly is important to eventually pinpoint your problem so that you may know how to tackle it, one thing I have learned is not to get too wrapped up in all the details of our pain. Simply, try your best and focus on what you do know. Yeah, I know that might sound cheesy, but seriously, that would be the only thing to do.
There must be certain things in your life that you DEFINITELY know needs improvement or needs working on. Work on that...I have found that when everything else in my life is working, I find that surprisingly, I sometimes find another part of the solution to the after-effects of my abuse.
Sometimes, I even find that even when my life not going well, but I have helped someone else's life go well, I feel healed. This is what I meant by turning my great weakness into a"blessing in disguise." As an abused person, I certainly know pain and feel that I can empathize easily. As a result, I feel I can help people more than I would otherwise. In the process of using this weakness (pain) into a strength (empathizing with those who feel pain), I have actually found some healing and direction.
Listen...I don't know if this early morning message is making sense to you, but...well, I guess I'm trying to say this...It's a confusing path we are all on, and I certainly don't have all the answers. I do know, however, that we must never give up. By committing ourselves to choose to move on and get up everytime we mess up or feel down--to try to turn our weakness (whatever it may be) into a strength, we may find that we have already succeeded
[ 07-19-2001: Message edited by: abcd ]