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#469391 - 08/27/14 12:47 AM Wife of survivor, want to introduce myself
journey4two Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 29
I just joined the forum this evening. I have a huge ache in my heart. I have been married to my spouse (who experienced CSA) for 15 years. The abuse was mentioned a time or two in the beginning of our marriage but never was discussed or understood. He was not in touch with it. The last 15 years have been a nightmare. The last two of which we have been in counseling...I sought it out because I had completely lost my identity in a marriage filled with anger, rejection, betrayal, etc. I did not have the strength to leave him, I felt so beaten down. To my surprise he came to counseling too without a fight. We have battled on for the last two years while in counseling and just recently his CSA issues have come to light in much bigger detail. He is dealing with them! I am working through my stuff as well (I have some pretty severe abandonment/attachment issues). Unfortunately I have only just been made aware of the massive web of lies and also infidelity. Right up until yesterday the lies are still being told and the depth of the betrayals/infidelity are still being uncovered. He has apologized and I believe he is being sincere. But I am hurting so bad. I'm committed to staying together. I do (in my saner moments) believe that ours will one day be the greatest love story ever told. We do love each other...but there is so much to heal. I am just in shock and disappointment that there is new pain to sort through. I empathize with him and applaud his hard work and efforts to embrace the process of his healing...but I feel left alone in the shadows with my immense pain. He has basically said that he can not deal with my pain right now (which I understand on some level)... but my heart cry to him is "but your actions caused my pain!" It hurts that in light of everything we have endured together and all the work we have done together to get this far that he can't set his aside even a little and help me right now they way I have been supporting him. I feel completely abandoned (my biggest childhood wound). Does this ever get better? I want it to. I need it to. I need help. I have an awesome therapist... but I want my husband :-(

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#469395 - 08/27/14 03:59 AM Re: Wife of survivor, want to introduce myself [Re: journey4two]
journey4two Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 29
Me again. This has turned into another sleepless night for me. I would love to make connections on this forum. I guess it is late tonight, but I feel that I at least have a safe place to get my thoughts out. What is eating me alive is the not knowing what really happened. I just found out that my husband, while having a complete meltdown a few weeks ago while I was out of town, met someone on Craigslist. He told me about it in small degree. He said it turned platonic and that it was a meeting that was a part of his new embracing of a healing path for himself. (He told me of other encounters he had from other sources during this same time period that were not platonic, so I don't know why he should continue to cover up something about this person). Unfortunately, I just found out that he had this person (a complete stranger) come to our house where we live with a teenage son (who was also not home at the time). I feel extremely exposed. He will not tell me anything more. When I asked why he lied about having the guy over the house when I had already accepted his story of where they met and what they did, he got angry. I feel there is something huge he is not telling me and I feel very threatened by the situation. Don't I have a right to know what goes on in my own home with my own husband? How in the world do you ladies survive this kind of mental torture? I want to partner with him in his recovery...damn it, we had been doing so well... but I can't get him to open up about this and frankly, I'm scared.

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#469400 - 08/27/14 07:30 AM Re: Wife of survivor, want to introduce myself [Re: journey4two]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 341
Welcome. You have a lot on your plate. Read, post, and learn a lot. That will help you.

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#469405 - 08/27/14 10:32 AM Re: Wife of survivor, want to introduce myself [Re: journey4two]
Nicole Offline


Registered: 08/06/09
Posts: 23
Loc: USA
I'm glad you found this site, you will find you are not alone. The terrible effects of what our significant others went through can cause us heart wrenching pain, and loneliness while we support them through their recovery.

I don't have any great advice. The lying hurts, especially when I think we are making progress, and then WHAM, I get blindsided. It just hurts, feels like my world is falling apart,
and I wonder if I can even do this anymore. And then I see a glimpse of hope and we're okay again.

I don't know how I would react if he brought someone into our home, but it might involve an iron frying pan

Just know you are not alone. Take a deep breath, keep yourself busy. You can get through this. You are strong and amazing!!

Big hug,
Nicole

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#469407 - 08/27/14 10:50 AM Re: Wife of survivor, want to introduce myself [Re: Nicole]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
I experienced horrendous abuse. My stories are written out in pufferfish stories parts 1 through 5. In addition I have new stuff coming up. So what is wrong with our culture that a sweet boy like I was could be dragged through such destructive filth without anybody knowing about it. It ruined my life. When the memories poured out, I had huge PTSD and anger. I had vowed to love my wife forever. I didn't lie to her. I just did not know what I had been through when we got married. Then all those issues started pouring out and I became angry. It wasn't anger with my wife but she had to absorb a lot of the anger. I'm so, so sorry it turned out that way for her and for my kids.

puffer

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#469412 - 08/27/14 11:49 AM Re: Wife of survivor, want to introduce myself [Re: journey4two]
journey4two Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 29
Thank you all for responding to me. It feels like a weird lonely place where I want soothing for my pain but am aware of my spouse's pain too. I want to be respectful, but it seems like we could have more of an equal partnership in moving forward. And, Puffer, I hope you don't feel like I am whining... that I think my pain is weightier than what my husband endured. I have tremendous empathy for him (and other survivors). But my pain is a part of my journey and my healing (I too am not without my wounds coming into the marriage). I do understand that there are painful memories bubbling to the surface for him. I too am experiencing pain ... not from memories but from things that are happening currently. The infidelity is actually less painful to me than the dishonesty. It says (or rather what I am experiencing when he lies) is that my support for him is not good enough. That I am not good enough. That I do not love him enough to journey on with him. He has my support, but if there is simultaneously new secrets/lies being put into play... what do I do with that? I believe with my whole heart that he does not want to go backwards. I also understand that a healing path is not necessarily a straight one. But I'm his partner and by lying he essentially holds all the cards. I don't know what to do with that. It is also confusing because if he was not on a healing path, than I could choose to look the other way or not. But what is my role when I know he is lying but he has asked for me to support him? I hate the word "accountability" but if I am to support him, is that part of it?

I am so lost. I am grateful to have come to this forum. I want to restore my sense of hope. Without hope, I feel... well... hopeless.

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#469419 - 08/27/14 03:33 PM Re: Wife of survivor, want to introduce myself [Re: journey4two]
journey4two Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 29
If anyone cares for a follow up... my husband finally just talked to me about the recent events I spoke of in my posts. The short of it is that I am very grateful to this forum so that my heart was braced with the right information that enabled me to really hear what he was saying. I don't like the things that happened, but I can understand them in this context and move toward forgiveness.

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#469420 - 08/27/14 04:19 PM Re: Wife of survivor, want to introduce myself [Re: journey4two]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
I very happy for you and your husband. You must make him feel safe to tell you what he told you. I hope this is the beginning of both of you working to heal individually and jointly.

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#469429 - 08/27/14 07:13 PM Re: Wife of survivor, want to introduce myself [Re: journey4two]
Going forward Offline


Registered: 04/08/14
Posts: 8
Don't give up ; you sound committed to helping your husband
recover and be the person he deserves to be.
You will be amazed at the inner strength you have
to help both of you have the happiness you both deserve

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