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#469373 - 08/26/14 12:59 PM My recent thoughts......
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 377
Things have been going well so I post less...but then, honestly, I feel bad that I post less because then all everyone ever reads are the crazy times people have. smile

Anyway......everything I am about to say is my $.02 so take it for that much. smile

So.....IMHO.......and IMHO is kid of more opinionated and less humble today.....

I notice a lot of people are worried about "ruining the family" when they want to disclose. Let me give you a little tip..... if the family member is the perp ....THEY already did that! It's already done! All you may be doing is surrendering to the CSA shame by keeping quiet.

Don't be afraid people may use your CSA against you. It just happened to us and, to be honest, very little happened. Fear is not your friend.

1 in 6 means we ALL have a lot of company. No one is truly alone with this. We are just at different stages in it.

If you are a drug addict, alcoholic, depressed, anxious, angry man, who was sexually abused as a child you are NOT a bad person. You are suffering the effects of that abuse. Go get help. Life can and will be better for you.

It is a very jagged little pill to swallow when you find out your husband has been keeping his CSA from you. It is a painful process to come to terms with that. Both partners need to understand that.

I saw a video on Facebook where a guy skirted using the full name but outed his abuser after like 35 years or so. BRAVO!! GO!! GO!!

I have no idea how some of you interact with your H's perp without physically attacking them. My hat is off to you girls for your restraint.

Ignorance is all around us. It is not our job to educate the world. It is our job to live our lives and CSA is a part of our lives. If people don't understand, or they have ignorant opinions, or they run, or they squirm in their chairs, we can't help that. That is on them. We can only go about our lives and be who we are and communicate with who we can connect with.

Still with me?

One more thing......do something kind for yourself today. smile

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#469378 - 08/26/14 03:44 PM Re: My recent thoughts...... [Re: sugarbaby]
Scott1962 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/07
Posts: 12
Loc: New Jersey
Thank you for pointing out the obvious. I have been so worried about 'hurting' the family, but I have been the one hurting for years.

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#469388 - 08/26/14 11:08 PM Re: My recent thoughts...... [Re: sugarbaby]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 373
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: sugarbaby
It is a very jagged little pill to swallow when you find out your husband has been keeping his CSA from you. It is a painful process to come to terms with that. Both partners need to understand that.


Trying to keep that pill from being swallowed ever again.

Understanding is day to day, and pain is reminding of how far we have gone and how far there is still to go.

Nothing like understanding.....

Awesome post, thanks!

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#469393 - 08/27/14 12:52 AM Re: My recent thoughts...... [Re: sugarbaby]
journey4two Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 39
New here and needed to see something strong and hopeful just about now. Thank you.

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#469401 - 08/27/14 07:36 AM Re: My recent thoughts...... [Re: sugarbaby]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 377
Thank you for the feedback.

To many men live with CSA and have a mindset that "I'm bad." because I "acted out", or "let it happen", etc.

That bugs me because what they need to have in their mind is "I was the victim of a crime and I need help."


Edited by sugarbaby (08/27/14 07:37 AM)

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#469408 - 08/27/14 10:53 AM Re: My recent thoughts...... [Re: sugarbaby]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1782
That is so true. Remembering we are victims and not complicit in the abuse is hard. The guilt we harbor is strong and long embedded in our minds and body. It is even harder when those around you minimize the abuse, tell the victim how bad they are, telling the victim to get over it, telling the victim there are no emotional, psychological effects. We need a world with support, reminding us we are not bad, reminding us we can heal and have a life we deserve. You are doing it--it takes time and the words begin to slowly settle in. I can assure because that is how it worked for me.

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#469415 - 08/27/14 02:17 PM Re: My recent thoughts...... [Re: KMCINVA]
journey4two Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 39
Appreciate your words KMCINVA. I am the wife of a survivor and brand new to the forum. I have become (to some degree) enmeshed in my own pain. Thank for reminding me that I need to be strong and not resort to any behavior that would hurt him further. I definitely do not want to do that.

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#469442 - 08/28/14 10:53 AM Re: My recent thoughts...... [Re: KMCINVA]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 377
Quote:
telling the victim to get over it


I stepped on that landmine once. As well as many others. smile

I'm glad you brought that up.

To anyone that has ever heard that phrase, you need to understand that the person speaking (at least in my case) does not know what the heck they are talking about.

That's OK. Don't wallow in it. But, know that it is a sign that the person speaking is unfamiliar with CSA issues.

I wasn't trying to dismiss H's feelings. I was just ignorant of the subject. I suspect many other people are the same when they say that.

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