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#46936 - 06/16/01 10:11 AM trying to find other guys with recovered memories
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
I am feeling so uncertain that my recovered memories from 40 years ago are real......is there anybody else out here that has experienced this process????? I'VE ALWAYS FELT LIKE I WAS ABUSED.....but have not had memories until recently.....are they real or imagined?????? I've tried to commit suicide alot of times....in January I was placed in a mental ward....I began therapy and began remembering things....I tried to kill myself again in April....another 2 week visit to the mental hospital....I went back to therapy for a couple of weeks but have not been back in over a month....I think about killing myself constantly....the anti-depressants I'm on - Celexa - is doing nothing to disuade these suicidal thoughts....I was diagnosed as having a borderline personality disorder....anybody out there in my boat....I'd really like to talk to you...especially if you have seen improvement in therapy...I want to have hope.....but it is hard to believe I will ever feel better....DO YOU???????? MICHAEL


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#46937 - 06/16/01 12:02 PM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
Michael,STAY WITH THE THERAPY. I know sometimes you feel as though nothing is commpplised,or you feel like shit, or you don't want to go. but DO GO. It does help. You are haming memories of something that happeded 40 years ago. Me, mine took place 51 years ago in a hospital, and they were a hell of a lot differebt than they are today! So hang in there, it does get easier for one to handle. bosishere.


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#46938 - 06/17/01 07:25 PM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
Anonymous
Unregistered


Michael,

I have learned to notr doubt what I remember about my abuse. When I thought about it I realized that I could in no way make such terrible stuff up in my mind and have the memories be so powerful. Where would these memories come from if they were not real?

Hang in there with your therapy. It has been a popsitive experience for me.

Peace,

Jim


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#46939 - 07/12/01 11:59 AM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I will let you know more about it when I get back from PA. I will be visiting Washington City, and the hotel if it is there.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#46940 - 07/13/01 08:42 AM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
Anonymous
Unregistered


Michael,

I too have always had that "feeling" that I was abused. So far though, I still have no concrete memories. I can't say "who" and I can't say "when" (and it makes me wonder sometimes WHY I even HAVE this feeling). I've never considered myself a hypochondriac, but I keep feeling "eaten away" inside... so far, I haven't even been able to broach the subject in therapy. Maybe I'm just imagining it.....

n_s


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#46941 - 07/16/01 08:50 PM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
I thought my life was just peachy till a week ago. I had partial memories of something (that had dogged me for years), that filled in just a little more, to a flashback of my abuse. I still don't know who, but I've got an idea of when and where.

This has been quite a week. I go on vacation in a few days. I hope that a change of scenery will be helpful. I'll be seeing one of my closest friends, and I want to talk to him about my abuse (without ruining the fun of the other stuff we're doing). The larger my support network, the less I have to feel that I'm hiding things from people I love. The family has to wait, till I get a couple more counseling appointments under my belt.

Now that I know for sure that there are blanks, I feel like I want to fill them in; trouble is, I fear what's going to be uncovered. I know that I can't truly recover from this until I face up to it. Hiding away from the truth is what the last 24 years of my life have been about, and I don't want to live my life in fear of that.

I just saw the movie "The Truman Show" again, so I feel a bit like Truman, facing down the "director." I want control of my own life dammit! And I want to find an outlet for all the anger that has built up inside me.

I've felt like I'm on the edge of crying for the last several days, and it never seems like a "good time" to just let it out.

So I don't.

And to top it off, I think I'm falling in love with my best friend (a lesbian), who is still recovering from the death of her girlfriend (and my roommate). Ain't that just grand...

She's my biggest support right now, and giving into my feelings with her, at this time of weakness, could destroy our friendship. We talked about this last night, and I get the feeling that she's wrestling with her emotions just like I am. At least we both admit it's bad news to go that way.

Well, this post just gets longer and longer...

I am so glad I found this place. Take care all. I'll be out of town in a few days, so I may not be in touch till I get back.

J

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#46942 - 07/18/01 11:47 AM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
Anonymous
Unregistered


Recovered memories are wierd. They seem like they didn;t happen but you know they did. I wasn't getting this either but I asked my therapist about it. he said that the memories can come in little bits or all at once depending on the person. different people might have different triggers like a smell or a sound of a voice. plus it';s so long ago that the memories don't seem so clear. trust them, tho, but don't focus on them. look for something good, man. I wondered why I could forget this all for years and years and then suddenly remember it and know it was true. the other thing is that some people won't want to believe you and say why didn't you tell someone sooner. Like they said, trus tyour instincts. But how these memories work is wierd and I have trouble understanding it. I ask my therapist about it, tho. I wish the memories stayed locked up.


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#46943 - 07/19/01 08:08 AM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
Anonymous
Unregistered


I thave borderline "features" as well. Its really difficult - although I don't have any real memories of sexual abuse - I was certainly emotionally.

I have been in psychotherapy for years. . . its a process of recovery with many ups and downs. . . progress for has been incredible slow - but real.

For me reading about how others cope - and understanding where borderline comes from helps. I also have "cutting" behavior - which sometimes accompanies this type of disorder.

I was extremely ashamed of the "label" and the label stood in the way of coping. I came to understand that labels are a way of understanding things - not judging me. There are many resources on the web for borderlines. Unfortunately, I don't have the URL's here - but go into any search engine - and type in borderline - and you find many resources.

Hang in there.

D.


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#46944 - 07/19/01 04:14 PM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
I think about killing myself all the time, no man wants to live after being raped countless times! My memories stated 8/15/01 with lots of flashbacks from hell. It had been 40 years since the abuse but they came back to rape me again. I was 11 when it started by more then a few older boys and men. I'm not sure when it ended. Wasted half of my life in an out law motor cycle club...got married and have a 12 YO child. Now the abuse come back to get me. I too would like to talk to a like person because I'm lost in all ways.

Eddie[EMAIL]getteddie@ yahoo.com[/EMAIL]


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#46945 - 07/20/01 12:00 AM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Gee...I hope this makes sense...I'm really tired right now, but I really felt compelled to respond in light of the last reply...

Okay...I do not know much about psychology aside from a few classes and am not as experienced as many of the posters here (see my story if you like by clicking on my profile and viewing my oldes "recent posts"). For that matter, I am very much confused lots of times and have been down on myself and on many things too often. Sometimes I too feel like I want to just die (like you and the previous "reply" before me here), but one thing I do know is to NEVER give up.

I forget this sometimes and do sometimes get in ruts (like tonight before this post). Deep down though, I am a firm believer in "blessings in disguise"--but only if you make them. By this, I do not mean to say that our abuse have been blessings--the pain, the hurt, and the people who have "failed" are a testament to the wickedness of what happened to us. Still, I do believe that whatever faults we may have can be turned into strengths.

So, okay...what is the "worst" case scenario for you here...you may be making it up? Regardless, the problem still is the same: you are NOT where you want to be in your life. (incidentally, I personally am inclined to believe you, but all I am saying is not to let this new revelation from the "experts" worry you too much--trust me, psychology is a pseudoscience which still needs some work)

The REAL reason why I am writing here is that I want to ask you and the previous poster to please remember to keep looking up and focused on who it is you want to be. I think that everyone here-regardless of their story-is truly not where they want to be. The truth is that sometimes, the abused person's pain may or may not be because of the abuse. At times, it may almost be impossible to find out if the abuse ever even happened. Nonetheless, the overall problem is the same: we are NOT where we want to be in our lives.

While it certainly is important to eventually pinpoint your problem so that you may know how to tackle it, one thing I have learned is not to get too wrapped up in all the details of our pain. Simply, try your best and focus on what you do know. Yeah, I know that might sound cheesy, but seriously, that would be the only thing to do.

There must be certain things in your life that you DEFINITELY know needs improvement or needs working on. Work on that...I have found that when everything else in my life is working, I find that surprisingly, I sometimes find another part of the solution to the after-effects of my abuse.

Sometimes, I even find that even when my life not going well, but I have helped someone else's life go well, I feel healed. This is what I meant by turning my great weakness into a"blessing in disguise." As an abused person, I certainly know pain and feel that I can empathize easily. As a result, I feel I can help people more than I would otherwise. In the process of using this weakness (pain) into a strength (empathizing with those who feel pain), I have actually found some healing and direction.

Listen...I don't know if this early morning message is making sense to you, but...well, I guess I'm trying to say this...It's a confusing path we are all on, and I certainly don't have all the answers. I do know, however, that we must never give up. By committing ourselves to choose to move on and get up everytime we mess up or feel down--to try to turn our weakness (whatever it may be) into a strength, we may find that we have already succeeded \:\)

[ 07-19-2001: Message edited by: abcd ]


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#46946 - 07/20/01 12:50 AM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
Brian B14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
abcd,

I agree with you. We all have pain and we all have difficult days. When I find myself feeling down and can't seem to get myself out of it (which occurs more that most of you would believe), I go out of my way to try to comfort someone else. This does a couple of things: 1) it helps someone else 2) it changes my focus off my own issues (UNTIL I can better deal with them) 3) In helping others I feel better about myself and 4) it helps me understand that this whole recovery thing is a "process" and that I don't have to be perfect all the time. I will have good days and bad days and even on my bad days, I can still do something positive (for myself and others).

For those of you who are saying "Sure Brian..., thats easy for you to say". I would offer the following, "NO.... Its NOT easy for me to say. And its NOT easy for me to do either. But I do it anyway." I believe I am worth the effort and I believe all of you are worth the effort too!!!

God Bless all of you,

Brian

[ 07-19-2001: Message edited by: Brian B14 ]


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#46947 - 07/20/01 07:12 AM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
Anonymous
Unregistered


I believe everything you say Brian. I read your posts and you are a big comfort to everyone here, I think. it sounds like you really got your act together.

I agree with abcd too. I know that I blamed the abuse for alot of things. I think I;m dealing with the abuse ok right now but I'm not where I want to be. I'm not the person I want to be. I was a better person before and I want to be again. everyone should print those two messages and read them everyday.


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#46948 - 07/29/01 02:37 AM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Brian and abcd,

Wow, you guys rock!

Those are powerful words, and I hope that they help some people to heal themselves.

I can definitely identify with the need (well, maybe "calling" is better) to help other people. I come from a family whose jobs are improving other people (Dad: teacher, Mom: teacher, then paralegal, Uncle: minister, Aunt: social worker), and helping others just feels right.

It is odd that I found myself in a job dealing with abused kids, because when I got into this work, I hadn't had any memories of abuse. Until about 9 months ago, I worked with probation AND social service teens. I was getting burned out doing that, so I moved to working with 4-12 year olds, and they're ALL social service kids (physical, emotional, sexual abuses, or neglect).

But before I made that move, I was convinced that I needed to get away from the population of abused kids, and work with "normal" kids; I planned to become a grade school teacher.

Now that I've found my fit with the new job, and recovered my memories, I'm convinced that I want to STAY in the field, working with abused kids, and somehow share my knowledge, and help the healing of others, so that they don't have to go down the paths that most people here had to. Isn't that how species evolve? They learn from the mistakes from the past, and move on to a future. If humans didn't have to waste so much time re-inventing the wheel, we could spend our time blazing new territory.

The agency philosophy for my work talks about "ending the cycle of abuse" by helping our kids to break out of the patterns of behavior (acting out, taking responsibility of actions, etc) that they are used to exhibiting, and help them grow to be full-functioning human beings. We provide a safe environment, and teach them as best we can right from wrong, how to play nice with others, and hopefully to trust adults again. I really love my work, and these kids' lives would break my heart, if I didn't see them growing and changing even in the short 3 months that we have them; I see hope for their futures (as long as the place they go to is as nurturing and consistent as our place).

The fact that my memories waited 24 years to show themselves means that I've had time to grow mostly into the person I wish I was. I've stumbled a few times along the way, but one of those stumbles woke me up to becoming who I wish I was: a man of integrity. That part is intact, mostly. But integrity also means "being whole," and admitting my abuse to my friends also included admitting my doubts about my sexuality, which was only compounded, due to a desire to crossdress since a young age. So, yeah, there are some new challenges involved.

I don't really know why, but I get so much more hopeful as I write on this board, compared to the fears that I share with my best friend.

But that hope also leads me to wanting to work as an advocate in the world at large for victims of abuse. I'm still working out what exactly I want to do, but I want to be a part of "the good fight." This is kind of simplistic (coming out of my recent experience at the San Diego Comic Convention), but I want to be a hero. Not a superhero, but one of the ordinary people in this world that decides that some things are worth fighting for, and fights them. Anyone see "Three Kings?" One of the best lines in that movie:"The way this works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of and you get the courage after you do it. Not before you do it." "That's a dumb ass way to work. It should be the other way around." "I know. That's the way it works."

I've worked with abused kids for just over 4 years now. The earlier we can get them out of the situation, the better shot they have at a normal life. But far better than removing the kids from an abusive environment, is for there NOT to be one in the first place. That's not realistic, but until our society takes these atrocities seriously, and we decide, as a culture, that incest and abuse are not simply taboo, but something we will DO SOMETHING about, things will remain the same.

I feel something like a hypocrite talking about breaking the silence, when only 4 friends, and therapists (and you guys) know the situation, but I hope that will change in time. I want to be one of the people that will help affect that change.

J


[ 07-29-2001: Message edited by: Just Call me J ]

[ 08-01-2001: Message edited by: Just Call me J ]

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#46949 - 07/29/01 07:03 PM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
jerunamuck Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/01
Posts: 22
Loc: Maine
40 years ago! I'm not even that old but I do have this to offer. I have no doubt my abuse happened. I have some very vivid memories of some abuse that I'm not sure really happened that way. I have vague recollections of some abuse that is coroberated by others. Though I can say the same about positive life changing events from about the same time that doesn't seem to quell my need to know exactly what abuse happened and how. I wish I put as much energy in to remembering every detail of my first camping trip(11), my first new bike(13), and who was the first girl to hold my hand or kiss me? Sometimes I wish I didn't remember so well.

Last Christmas I returned home and found myself driving through a neighborhood where a lot of stuff happened. 4 years of abuse that was coroberated by a class mate but for which I am unsure of any of the details. I only know for sure that he was with me and it happened near his house and included two local businesses and the metro bus. At Christmas it seemed easy to shake off that feeling of dread. Over the two months after returning home and to work I got worse. My boss commented on my lack of job performance. My friends commented on my emotional distance. My therapist commented on my slow deterioration. I was in denial for most of the time. in hind sight i know i was refusing to feel. I took me another month of feeling like shit and talking about it ad-naueam with my support group before I was able to put it behind me. I'm no closer to remembering any more of the details but I do feel confidant I could drive down that street again without going to pieces. more important, it's just a little bit easier to talk about.


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#46950 - 07/30/01 05:34 PM Re: trying to find other guys with recovered memories
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
my abuse began at such a young age....at about 2 1/2 that my memories are so jumbled.... a sound of a wind chime set off distinct memories but my real memories began at my grandmother's funeral.....the last time i saw my uncle....8 years ago.....the molester nightmares started......over and over and over......the memories of being 4 and not wanting to be the slave anymore.....wanting to be hercules so that my "slaves" would perform oral sex on me.......how did i even know about oral sex at 4??????? this is not an imagined memory it has been with me since i was 4......i was 4 1n 1962......not exactly the blow-job era........why have i never been able to have sex with anybody....guy or girl.....although i've had many, many opportunities with both.....why do i think of killing myself every minute of the day?????? WHEN WILL I FINALLY HAVE THE COURAGE TO JUST DO IT??????? if you'd like to talk to me, my e-mail is mikedow24@hotmail.com......if not, that is ok too....take care of yourself.....michael


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