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#46929 - 06/27/03 11:02 PM Good to not be alone
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
Thanks for all the encouragment. I feel like I have known everyone here all my life. That is the strangest feeling for me as I don't know any of you and have only been here a few days, but everything you say, I know and have experienced. Until now I thought I was pretty much alone. Now I feel like you are already my friends.

I started this downward spiral about three years ago but tried to ignore it. One of my perps was arrested, convicted and sent to prison for 3 years for child porn charges. I ignored the guilt I had for not ever telling what happened to me. Those thoughts of if I would have told someone what was happening to me they would have done something.

A couple of months ago he was released and it has really hit home. I have never told anyone except one friend, my wife, and a therapist I went to several years ago. I know that with what he did to me and then the porn charge that I was probobly not his only one. I do not know how to live with this and I do not know what to do.

His brother is still out there as well doing who knows what. They are my cousins.

My life is a mess, my relationship with my wife is a mess, I think that is secondary however to the guilt.

Any thoughts?

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

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#46930 - 06/28/03 02:23 AM Re: Good to not be alone
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
BT - You mention your main struggle is the "guilt". Well, we feel guilty when we did something wrong - that's where guilt comes from. First, you were a victim, the perp did something wrong YOU DID NOT. Second, you believe you SHOULD have told, well - victims are victims; if we were strong, knowledgeable, supported we probably wouldn't be victims - BUT WE ARE NOT because the perps were stronger. Third, there is "good" guilt and "bad" guilt. Good guilt will tell us we did something wrong and motivate us in how to correct the mistake...it is a positive motivator that gives relief and we feel better because of it. However, Bad guilt tells us we did something wrong and beats us over the head yelling,"Bad boy, BAD boy!!" drilling us further and futher down into the ground...depression, hopelessness, "giving up" = bad guilt. Fourth, when we beat ourselves up because of some past event over which we have no control (because we only can do something about today), we chase our tail getting no where. The past is done - what are we going to do about that guilt today? (note: I'm not saying get over it - like anyone can just do that! But I am saying 'look at what we can do about it now' = action, direction).

I hope this is making sense BT, because I know you're feeling the strain of guilt...you are not alone...even though you may feel that way at times, it is a lie just like the ones created by our perps!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#46931 - 06/28/03 11:26 AM Re: Good to not be alone
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
BT:

Glad you're feeling like you belong here--becuz you do! You are not alone.

Whether you decide to "tell" or not, you not only are not responsible for what your perp did to you,
you furthermore are not responsible for anyone else he might sexually abuse. The responsibility, and the accountability, is his all the way around.

You did nothing wrong.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#46932 - 06/28/03 04:37 PM Re: Good to not be alone
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am sorry I do not welcome you to here, it has been some bad last couple days! I am very new here, I come just in last week or 10 days, and still getting my head some sorted out. I am sorry of the guilt you feel, and I do understand it, I feel it so much too. For me, the sexual abuse comes from a coach for my sport, a man I trained with for 8 years, until I leave 5 years ago. He told me all the time he did things at me that if I let him, he will not hurt any other boys, and I am stupid, I believe him. It is only few weeks ago I find out he lies at me, he was hurting others too, and now, of course, I feel he probably was all that time. He is still coach, and I still say nothing. I feel guilt also, and I do not know what we do to change it, other than to speak up about them, if we are able. I know I can not yet do that, I do not know what you are feeling of that. I am told that the guilt belongs at them, not us, but still, it scares and upsets me. I hope that you find some peace in your soul. Good luck.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#46933 - 06/28/03 10:37 PM Re: Good to not be alone
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
I have never told anyone except one friend, my wife, and a therapist I went to several years ago. I know that with what he did to me and then the porn charge that I was probobly not his only one. I do not know how to live with this and I do not know what to do.
BT,

You can only do what is possible for you at the time. Although it might not feel this way, it is true that you have no reason to feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong. You are not responsible for the actions of another person.


Quote:
I feel guilt also, and I do not know what we do to change it, other than to speak up about them, if we are able. I know I can not yet do that, I do not know what you are feeling of that. I am told that the guilt belongs at them, not us, but still, it scares and upsets me.
Leosha,

When you are ready to do something else, you will know. You are an athlete. You know training is very important. Right now you are training for your life. As you train you will gain strength. When you have that strength, you will be able to do more things. You will know when you are ready.

Later,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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